Sad and alone,
I stare into the stars.
There are millions, and billions,
All connected by the dust in which they were formed in.
I'm told that all things in the universe start from the same beginning,
That we are made from the same dust as the stars....

But I don't feel like a star.

I feel like a black hole that takes all these wonderful and magnificent wonders in life and swallows them whole.

I feel like the dark side of the moon,
cold, untouched, and deadly.
My heart feels frozen
And I can feel every crater in my skin,
Reminding me of all the harm I've inflicted,
And all the wrong choices I've made.

I never lied when I told you that you were my sun...

You are warm and give life to all things.
Without you, I'm just a cold, damaged moon
Causing the tides to rise and destroying the world with every move I make.

When your depressed,
Sometimes you have to
Scream and be angry
So you can get things off your chest,
Because there's no point in feeling
Sad and dead inside.

I just want you. Intimately, of course, but in every other way possible, too. You see, I've learned that there are very few things in life that consistently make me happy - my art, my words, my dance, and you. It's like I have this hole in my body, like I'm hungry. All my life I have been starving for happiness and love.
Now, every time I'm with you, every time I talk to you even, it's like there's this whole plate of endless joy right before me, but I always just get a taste of it. I never get to dive in and devour the whole thing.
I am this child starving for you; and it really aches on the inside because I see what is placed before me and I never get to have it all. What makes it worse is that I know you will fill me up and I will never grow hungry again.
And it's been like that for years.
Ever since the first time I saw you, and I mean really saw you, I knew that there was something different about you, and that you were going to change my life. You might think I'm crazy, which I probably am, but I can just sense these things out. My heart can sort of predict how someone will make me feel in the future.
When I laid eyes on you I was truly stunned. I had these flashes of emotions, and it actually kind of scared me. They were so intense I didn't know what to do. I still get these rushes all the time, except I understand them now. Not completely - but for the most part.
Do you believe in soul mates? Do you believe in twin flames? I think about it all the time. I read quotes, and theories, and myths, and lores, and when I think about you they all makes sense.
You see, I recently read something about connected souls. They don't understand what time or distance is, they just feel the others absence, and they ache and yearn for them to come back. It doesn't matter if they just left the room or they are in another state, the soul just thinks being away for five minutes feels more like a week.
How do you think my soul feels when you are gone for days? It feels like you are missing from my life for months, years even. I haven't seen you for three or four days and it seems like a weeks time has gone by. It misses you; I miss you. All I think about is how to pass the time until I am in your arms again.
I am not one who believes in reincarnation, but I feel like our hearts have been missing each for years. Like they have been wandering the earth for centuries searching for its other half, and now they have happened to stumble upon each other. Throughout my whole life, my soul has felt like it was missing something, and when I am with you it's like the waters become calm. The storm is over.
And I know I don't get to have you all the time, and any type of relationship we try to have is a battle that we usually end up losing, but I always try to think of the bigger picture. I tell myself, "you don't have to win the battles to win the war." At times it is easier for me to listen to my own advice than others - but I always do my best, and this is why.
I read a quote that made a lot of sense even though I didn't agree with all of it.
".... But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you every thing that is holding you back; the person who brings you to your own attention. So that you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you will ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. ....Souls mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave..."
I always try to convince myself that the reason you come, and break my heart when you leave, is to rip down my walls and to show me another layer of myself. It really only makes sense if you think about it.
Every time I am with you, I, at first, try to be tough and mean but I can never go through with it. I know that I love you and that makes the whole act crumble to the floor. I am too comfortable with you to be like that. I get so use to the feeling of happiness and comfort and love, that when you're gone I feel like a different person. Every time I find another way to sustain myself while you're away. I discover a new part of me that I didn't know was there. I think I am going to be devastated when you go missing, but I surprise myself with the ways I find to push myself through. And then of course - the cycle starts over.
I know that one day, the cycle will end. It will be you and me, and our kids, and our house - just like you planned. When you talk about our future together, it assures me that it's worth the fight, and that things will be okay later in life. After these rocky roads together we will be laid our in our spot in the forest listening to the creek and feel of the cool breeze.

Darling, I love you more than the fish love the sea, and I know you love me too. No matter what we do or where we go in life, that is a fact that will never change. As often as out bodies are apart, I know our souls never will be.

"I'm here. I love you. I don't care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. There is nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than depression, and I am braver than loneliness, and nothing will ever exhaust me."
*-Elizabeth Gilbert

O, how I long to lay by the sea.
The calming sound of the waves
The tides washing away my worries.

O, how I long to run in the field.
The sun nourishing my needs
The breeze enlightening my senses.

O, how I long to sit along the cliff.
The edge causing adrenaline rushes
The view relaxing my mind.

*O, I wish to be anywhere but here.

You abandoned me
Love don't live here anymore
Just a vacancy
Love don't live here anymore
When you lived inside of me
There was nothing I could conceive
That you wouldn't do for me
Trouble seemed so far away
You changed that right away, baby
Love don't live here anymore
Just emptiness and memories
Of what we had before
You went away
Found another place to stay, another home
In the windmills of my eyes
Everyone can see the loneliness inside me
Why'd ya have to go away
Don't you know I miss you so and need your love

*Bastille

It's the feeling that
you aren't just sad about one thing.
You are sad about everything.
Little things.
Big things.
Everything makes you upset.
You end up crying,
And don't really know why.

You can't go to school.
You can't pursue a job.
Not because you are lazy.
Not because you're worthless
Simply the fact that
You can't handle the stress,
Or you're scared of failing.
It makes you scared to do anything,
Really.

You just stay cooped up in your room.
You sleep.
You eat,
on a good day.
You take your meds.
And you just sit.

You lose your social life.
You lose your love.
You lose your passions.
You start to believe dreams are completely
unattainable.
You eventually lose your feelings.

It just makes you feel like
You're going insane.
It's literally the most painful thing in the world to experince.

You want to think better.
Act better.
Be better.

The horrible part is,
You know how to fix it all.
But no one seems to be able to help.

It's really simple things
That would make you happy.
It really is.
But it's like those things are miles away.

Then the vicious cycle begins again.

I am done with the chains that seem to bind me to your feet.
No more broken promises.
No more lies
I wont give you a chance to deceit me again.
I was there every time you were in need.
But where were you when my soul cried out for you.
I thought what we had was true.
But I can tell you only used me for the attention.
If you cared for me,
where were you when I hit rock bottom?

It could be that I expected too much from you,
Or that you weren't who I wanted you to be.
If everything you ever did was sincere,
If everything you ever said was true,
Then this will break your heart.
And I hope it does.

You say you don't know what you want,
But I do.
You say you don't know what you want to do,
But that doesn't matter.

My heart is tired,
And I'm taking it for a rest.
I just hope if you are going to realize what happened,
I hope you do it soon because if I'm too far gone,
You won't be able to find me.

Maybe later we could start from scratch.
Otherwise,
Our journey ends here.
Maybe when we're old,
We will think this was just a dream,
Or a well written song.

Frozen toes,
Icy nose.
Rested eyes,
Curled up spine.

Light the hearth,
Open a book
To read in
The warmth.

As the tree is fertilized by its own broken branches and fallen leaves, and grows out of its own decay, so men and nations are better improved by trial, and refined cut of broken hopes and blighted expectations.

*F. W. Robertson

I've always been able to feel how people are.
As strange as it sounds,
my sixth sense is stranger.

I've known you for years.
Your almost jet black hair,
chiseled jaw with a scruffy beard,
and those beautiful eyes to die for.

You have two personalities,
but you aren't insane.
The one people see every day,
So charismatic
and brilliant.
So illuminous you make
my eyes burn.
Talkative, fun,
always the life of the party.
But,
You know,

I see through it.
Through those glassy eyes,
they tell it all.

I see your kind heart,
the generosity you give.
Yet you are sill afraid
they will take advantage.
You have this hard, happy shell...
but this scared, secretive inside.

I commend how clever you are.
I really do.

Some how you convince everyone
that they know the real you,
but they have no idea.

And I,
I saw it in an instant.*
It's crazy how I feel how you are.
It's crazy how I can't explain it.
But I know you,
and I can
read your heart.

I know your fears,
But I will
never tell.

Bright sun.
Sunkissed skin.
Cases of beer,
and cigarettes.
Blue ripple water,
heated by the rays.
Me and you
on the day
that lasted forever.
Wet hair and
wide smiles.
Laughs,
and love,
and affection.
Skipping work
and faking sick...
****,
Those are the days
**I miss.

The last
Single
Golden
Thread
Seems to hold the whole
Weight
Of the
World

Once was a
Strong
Thick
Cable
But over times my
Troubles
And
Vices
Cause it to
Slowly
Wither
Away

Oh, How I depend on that
Single
Golden
Thread
To keep this
Tired
Worn
Soul
Stitched together in
Such
Great
Fear
That this all will
Quickly
Crash
Down

I invision it all to
Suddenly
Catch
Fire
And unfortunately
Burn
Me
Alive

There's something
So
Beautiful
The way words fall upon paper.
Each sentence a
Heartbeat,
Each comma the pause in between.
Every thought written in the life line.
Each expression
A breath
Of
Fresh
Air

Together
are we in blackest of
night. Is it because our souls are
attracted to the darkness? Maybe it's because the
dim lighting helps us be ourselves, but not totally be seen.
Whatever it may be, it's the most alluring time of the day.
I look forward to the sun setting, Because
**I know of what comfort
is to come.

I feel like the past few days we spent together,
I have grown to love him more.

With every look,
and every word,
He seems to light a fire in my heart.
I love him more than I will understand.
But - the catch is
he is not mine to have.

Talk about having your heart lit on fire.

And you know what?
I'm not jealous of her.

I am jealous of what she gets to have.
There is not one person in this whole world that
deserves his affection and support more than me.

And look at where we are.

Sometimes, I am completely confused by your lingering presence.
Some how you managed to tattoo yourself onto my heart,
and it was the most magnificent thing I have ever experienced.
But, I feel like you labeled me yours
so that I may always run to you,
but never handed your whole heart to me
so that you may run from me.
I'm bewildered how our time has never come -
but maybe you've played you cards so that it may never be.
I rip my heart and soul open, and pour it out to you freely, when you lend your ear;
Yet you can't even explain how you feel when I lay next to you.
How does that work?
How is that not dysfunctional to you?
Do you really know what's going on?
I give every thing I have to you on a silver platter -
I even feed it into your foul mouth.  
But no decision is never made.
Your words are becoming a broken record,
and I've grown tired of the piercing noise it lets out.
You say you love me - but can't leave her.
But heres my realization....

*If you are to love two souls, let the first go.
If you loved the one so much, your heart wouldn't long for the other.

You said I was the most exotic flower
Holding me tight in our final hour

I don't know how you convince them and get them, but
I don't know what you do,
It's unbelievable
And I don't know how you get over, get over
Someone as dangerous,                                                  
   tainted
                                  and flawed
                                                       as you

One for the money, and two for the show
I love you honey, I'm ready, I'm ready to go
How did you get that way? I don't know
You're ******* up and brilliant,
Look like a million dollar man,
So why is my heart broke?

You got the world but baby at what price?
Something so strange, hard to define

It isn't that hard boy to like you or love you
I'd follow you down down down,
You're unbelievable
If you're going crazy just grab me,
and take me

I'd follow you down down down, anywhere anywhere

One for the money, two for the show
I love you honey, I'm ready, I'm ready to go
How did you get that way? I don't know
You're ******* up and brilliant,
Look like a million dollar man,
*So why is my heart broke?

I feel so numb,
but tears continue to stream down.

You know,
I don't really think I ever asked too much of you.

You say that you love me.
You say that you care for me.
I just need to you to help me believe it.

If what you said is true,
how is that too much to ask?

Because what you do now..
It's blatantly proves opposite.
How we can be so perfect for a week,
and then next you are long gone.

How can we go from being so attached,
to being so distant.
That's not how you show you love someone.

Saying you are scared of what will happen,
That won't work anymore.
I'm scared too, but I have always been willing to take the risk.
I would gladly take the leap if I knew you were there to hold my hand.

But where are you?
I just need you to show me I can trust your words.

*Is that so much to ask of you?

You told me it would be better if
I didn't stay.


I told you it would be better if
I didn't leave.


But in the end,
Your wish is my command.

When I talk to you now, I feel you slowly slipping away.
Was it too much?
Maybe I shouldn't have shown you how I felt,
but I don't regret it.

Not one bit.

I know you hate the act of sharing feelings.
You were never one to open so widely.
Maybe I shouldn't have shown you how I felt,
but I don't regret it.

Not one bit.

I'm sorry,
But sometimes you just need to know these things.

I don't take back what I said



But I regret how it made you feel.

I am a lover without love.
I am a dreamer without dreams.




Only because I don't think I can cope with the failure of one.
Sometimes we are more frightened by the outcome
than the actual thing.

Where ever you go, may I be beside you.


What ever you do, may I do it too.


What ever you feel, may I feel it with you.


But I pray to god that I never weigh you down.

My lids lay heavy upon my eyes.
Nestled in my bed,
not a light in the room,
yet I stay awake.

How can I be in great comfort,
but be uncomfortable at the same time?

Tonight the coldness of the sheets
give me chills.
So much room, I feel like my mattress never ends.
As lovely as my bed is,
I toss and turn,
pondering what would help my slumber.

It's you.

You reek of cigarettes, whiskey,
and regret.
You try to drink away
the feelings,
the thoughts.
But no matter what you do
the feeling you could've done
something different
lingers in your head.

Why did you wait?
Why did you run?
Why were you scared?

Now you lay there
half alive
seeking your answers
from the bottom of
the bottle.