I can’t write this poem
I can’t write this poem because the last time I opened up to someone artistically they told me it was pretty dark and I should keep it to myself.

I can’t write this poem
I can’t write this poem because I was raised in a culture that was anti love and pro meaningless ***. I saw endless commercials about movies that glamorize a lifestyle in which your body is fulfilled but your heart is ignored and at that impressionable age I learned my heart came second but my allure came first and the less I cared that happier I would be and I carried that belief around with me the way I used to carry around a Bible as a child.

I can’t write this poem
I can’t write this poem because of the time that I opened my father’s phone to reveal a family secret I would hold to this day against my own moral instincts unraveling miles of insecurities wondering if I’m not a good enough daughter or if he stopped loving my mother or if true love was never real and although I had been taught marriage was my purpose, it was what I believed would make me happy, maybe rings aren’t enough to stay in love and maybe people’s feelings change and maybe no one actually has a “one true love” and that this purpose I had been taught was really an endless wild goose chase that only lead to broken families and lost souls.

I can’t write this poem
I can’t write this poem because sometimes I still wonder why I fell into an abyss of toxicity at such a young age. And when I say wonder I don’t mean a trivial ponder, I mean I contemplate every possible reason why the person who I once believed held the universe in her eyes would lie to my face, why she never kissed me in public and our love was always a secret, why she valued girls with blue hair but my blonde hair was not good enough, why I had to hide bruises from my family when I was still in high school or more importantly, why at the time, I thought I deserved them. These thoughts, this lingering paranoia that I am undeserving of healthy love, they muddy my interpretations of real life and distort reality and effect my relationships. My doctor would call these intrusive thoughts, my best friend would tell me they’re symptoms of PTSD, but I have come to realize that I’ve been burned and I am damaged and I hope to god I can recover.

But you,
Oh god, you
You can write this poem. You can be my safety net while I’m free falling in love. You can be the one to listen to my mental tilt-a-whirls, you can be the one that introduces my body and my heart, you can be the one that calms the storms in my mind when I’m questioning the love I’m deserving of. You are the one who makes sure I fall asleep in my bed after drunk nights, you are the one that still sees my value after acknowledging my flaws.
You can write this poem.

i welcome u to the depts of this chaotic mind,
enter at ur own risk, its not for the weak hearted this time.
i have a method to this madness, a remedy for the sadness.
i use my tongue as a weapon, my words as a blade,
i spit out my emotions, use my lips as an aide.
the mind throbbing begins,
as i filter my emotions.
the pressure erupts to a near mind explosion,
as i release these feelings outta my mouth i taste the corrosion.
sadness,madness, anger and pain,
resentment of emotional heartaches ive had to sustain,
used and confused, violated and betrayed.
thankful and greatful for the true friends that i have,
hateful and worried for those that did me *****, hope they never cross my path!
death and abandonment, how do i handle it?
searching to find the spirit of forgiveness,
but my mind and my heart cant give this.
my mind is about to explode, i cant deal with it,
this is all going on in my mind its my real life ****!
i worry for my kids stressin how ima do this,
by myself gotta get it together, get my mind right and handle this ****.
im spittin so many emotional razors my toungue is bleeding,
**** it, its my therapy, this what my chaotic mind was needing.
i **** back my mind, take the saftey off this time,
pull the trigger on my thouts,
and spray these bullets of words gotta get it all out!
there... now my mind is coming back together,
after i murdered your ears i feel a little bit better.
if i anialated your brains i  do apologize,
but that was my therapy session,my mind, my chaos, my life!

i try not to live with regrets,
ive made alot of bad choices but ive learned from them.
day to day struggles but i grind for mine,
i live and breathe for mine,
ride or die for mine,
would **** or die for mine.
a teen mom no help from the father,
did my best to transform into a mother,
had help from my mother and brother.
til God thought it was better to take them both,
left here alone to figure it out.
grew up with my son tried to raise him right,
busted my *** day and night.
motherhood doesnt come with an instruction book,
but its the hardest job i ever took.
having to learn as i go,
make mistakes as i grow,
taught myself everything i know.
multiple personalities i had to take on,
disiplinary, friend, teacher, dad, mom.
another child born into my quiet storm,
here we go again, dam shame fatherless children are becoming the norm!
it dont make no dam sense,
dont care who takes offence,
once a week phonecalls dont pay your childs rent!
hold up im not done let me ****** vent!
donating the ***** dont make you a parent!
dam shame, i, yes i, a woMAN, has to raise these boys into MEN!
With no help from these so called MEN!
a vicious cycle of fatherless fathers,
acting like your protegees are stress and bothers!
welcome to the world of  the woman, the single mothers!
Having to pick up the roles as you so called fathers!
but ima do my best, to raise
my boys into men,
real men !
and if i cant break the cycle i tried my best,
at least i tried to raise these boys into men!
so there kids dont feel the fatherless stress!
so baby daddys, ask your selves, did you try your ****** best!!!

Truedom

This is a word that you never heard,
But its all good cuz its my word.
Truedom-to release yourself from your own emotional, mental and spiritual prison,
To break out of your pain,
To really live life, you escaped, you did it!
Truedom-to soul search and find your inner most peace,m
To find yourself, to find your release.
Smile..you found you, be real about it and express your escape,
Have a welcome home party and celebrate your release.
Truedom- your free...free to live!
A new journey to start with your past and your pain carried over ypur shoulder in your bookbag,
Only looking forward and never looking back,
But your pain, your loss, your past is all a part of you, its what made you YOU, its yours,
But the new you, the true you...
Every heart break, mistake, a friend that was fake, you know the one who turned snake?
Every love lost, every found lust, broken trust, pain and anguish, its all apart of us.
It made you into the most educated, most dedicated, most perceptive woman that you are today,
So carry that bookbag of burdens proudly,
Cuz without it youd be an empty mind...probably!
Youve been born again into a world full of a bunch of *******,
But now your smarter and more on point wit it, so now you see it,
So you reverse the ******* back to the world and release it!
Let it go.. Carry it with you but only in your mind as lifes lessons,
But take this journey, on a new path, and live and recieve all lifes blessings.
They may have always been there but you were blinded by hurts, betrayel,depression, aggression, death and deception,
That maybe you didnt catch the blessings.
Truedom-the truest form of freedom a person can feel or relate to,
The new you,youve always been you, but uou found you, the new found you, the proud you!
So smile, take off the emotional, spiritual and mental handcuffs keeping you from freedom,
Let your mind run free and find your truedom! Truedom!

THE DARKSIDE NEVER SLEEPS
as i slip out of all awareness, i go deep in my subconsious mind to the point of unconsienceness. the nite entered me. the night was in me i was possessed by the nite stressed by the nite blessed by the nite carress by the nite even when the nite seems to hold me away from goin home and knowing i am entering the unknown, i still enter the darkside or should i say the darkside entered me.
he worked his growth of darkness deep inside my damp love cave,
i tried to scream but the shadow of darkness suffocated my screams of pain, my moans of pleasure.... faceless, but his kisses of passion left me breathless... but still i     fight ,but the more i fight,the darkness tightens his grip on my wrists,my spine begins to twist, deeper he lunges his darkness into my pulsating abyss...then the passionate kiss, roughly biting my lips, as i ****** my hips against this unseen force of darkness...i search for light...something, anything ...i gasp for my breath as the darkside engulfs me whole.
the darkness is inside of me but i now become one with the darkside.
i try to open my eyes to escape the darkside,
my mind wont allow awareness, im scared of this....

im screaming inside dont just sit there and watch me fall, just be there to catch me before i hit the ground. dont just sore with me when i fly high on top of the world but run away when we have a rough landing. dont turn your back when i have nothing, but be there to collect my all, and give me nothing when ive given u my all.
how do i find the light when my light has dimmed to the point of non iexistance. unflammable. darkness clenched its rough grip around my soft heart, betrayel begins to harden this once loving vessel,broken trust slows down the rythm of my beating heart, lies and deciet slowly clogs my main artery,a layer of ice from dishonesty and unloyalty glazes over my beating ***** of existance. can this same vessel that beats life into my own being ever beat the emotion of giving and feeling real love to and from another being?trying to fight the incoming feelings  recieved from these new found beating hearts..they speak all the things my mind warns me about, i fight, but my beats continue to weaken as i listen to the rythem of theirs. they try to ignite this flame that i used to beat so strongly just to keep lit, but i fight their attempts at softening my hardened icy sheild, i have tunnel vision.. only seeing... hurt! mind is now trying to stay alert! telling the heart dont go there u been here before! dont love again.. u know what ur in for! sleepless nights and silent tears, broken hearted and wasted years. broken promises and bonds broken, seperation of emotion no more promising words spoken, alot of damage i had to help u repair, ask ur self heart do unreally wanna go there, to you pumping your agape love thru your very own veins,to only recieve aches and pain? i would hate to mend you all over again, but as strong as i am you always win. beat cautiously friend, soften slowly, love with precaution. listen for an idemtical beat, a heart worthy enough to coincide and colide with your beat of life! tread lightly for you are my dear friend but also my worst enemy! when u fail we all have to tend to you, we zap you back to life when you allow your teammate slash apponant ,well call it,to  seize you and squeeze you into a threatening stroke, draining all feeling to the rest of us, i,yes i,your mind had to find the time to quickly analize and decide to ressesitate you one last time, to gather the rest of this being to work togeter to get u up and beating... again... we are so very tired, so again frenemy.. think of u but think of me, u break and seiZe again, im officially done, next time a triplr bispass will need to get done, when that massive attack of heart break happens again then again my friend youll be on your own then. this excitement of recipricated emotion and hopefullness at a paralell beating of two hearts is only pumping this damage vessell harder while the fear that the mind instilled , reminded me still ,to continue to beat at a slow, careful, steady, lonly pace... so do i love again and let my heart race or keep this whole being safe and beat at a lonely, regretful, but safe pace.. to be continued..

i feel the need to vent about the world today,
a quick assessment of thoughts i feel the need to say!
where the hell did our rights go?,
we dont live in communism though?
freedom of speech is ****** *******,
express your thoughts verbally but youll probably be punished for it!
pigs using their authority to ****** our peers,
as i watch the news i can barely see through the tears!
i saw a video of a man being shot 5 times for not paying bus fare,
how the **** is that fair!
a mother loses her son while the killer cop gets desk duty and gets paid to sit there!
People are fed up so they react with looting,
Undersand the frustration but your only losing!
Its a set up for everyone to **** eachother off,
While Big Brother sits back, hands clean,  your just doing THEIR ***** work!
Dont fight violence with violence or hate with hate,
Form together and think of other ways!
The most sickening part of this is peoples views on these killings,
people saying if mike brown never stole from the store this never woild of happened!
So basically by stealing a dutch is a reason to be fatally shot,
a life lost too early because he stole a blunt?!
how stupid do you sound, what if it was your kid,
to be gunned down because they shoplifted?!
cant even finish , my thought running wild,
ill leave this alone but just ask yourselves, "what if it was your child?" smfh!