I treaded lightly,
Not allowing myself to feel,
Afraid of what might not be,
Afraid of what is to come.

But now I let myself sink,
Now I let myself breathe,
Deeper than before,
Feeling all I can feel.

A slight taste of hope,
It's a secret, will or won't
Keep me close enough.

A stab in the dark,
rising, beating in my chest,
I've thrown myself out

Look around in awe,
As Shades of day turn to night,
Slowly passing by

Nights slowly grow cold,
Days no longer what they were,
I've been changing too.

A pair in silence,
Share a moment together,
Discover oneness

Leaves brush together,
Where once they had not before,
How close we have grown!

A hue of darkness
Shines on what we hope is there
Defines hidden wants

Leaves fall before me,
But foolishly I stare past,
I'm lost in a dream.

I'm frozen in place,
Afraid of what might not be,
Closed before I see

I knew what you'd say
By the way you felt in my
arms, I feel it too.

Awaiting it all,
These two hearts that move so slow,
Come and dance as one.

Sure before I know
Decided before I try
Is it really me?

Sorting through my thoughts,
Finding meaning in my words,
Finding what is true

Budding in summer,
Hearts open to each other,
They're caught in a spell

Hoping for more than,
Just this. Who am I to be,
Anything to you.

Moments pass by us,
If they stay we do not know,
Others go by end

Two meeting in stream,
Consumed in whisps of life,
Like old friends again.

What if I had said,
Everything I meant to.
Who would I be now?

You really pulled me,
In, I wasn't expecting,
You to be the one.

Thought I was complete,
It took meeting you to see,
All these holes in me.

You make me feel like,
I'm in a 90's Romance,
These never end well.

It was the last time,
I looked out of my window,
Just to watch you go.

Not knowing what is
up ahead, we roll along,
like pebbles in stream

Flocks flown together,
Reaching new heights and new skies,
Will we meet again?

Always out of reach,
When will my dreams of me be,
Who I am today

Memories linger,
While I grasp at the future,
It slips through my hands.

As we count, it slips
Away, A breeze that lingers,
Soft, cold on my skin.

Whispers from the stream,
Trees gently caress and guide,
Air and life to me.

Hills rolling like waves,
The air leaps through me, its voice
Calls and shows us free

Cherished friend, when we
meet, intertwine, suddenly,
like river and sea

Seasoned sun, my heart
Breaks to see you go, I can
Not stop chasing you

We are always moving
Towards and away from places
Towards and away from people.

Sometimes we don’t have much control
Over where we live
Or who we can love.

And now I have to find a new place to live
And a new person to love
And I’m not sure my heart can take any more

But as I look around and deep inside
And although it hurts
And sometimes I cry

I am happy to have somewhere to miss
And someone to have loved
Rather than having nowhere and no one at all.

Happiness
Is not a competition
Neither is Life
So easy it is
To compare
The more we do
The sadder we become

But that should not stop us
From trying to find our happiness

Let us run
Our own happy little races

People always say they are going to be better
We’re going to make them regret it
We were the ones who were right
And that our lives will be better without them

But the pain is paralyzing
We don’t get up
We don’t do the things we told ourselves we would do
We bathe in our sadness

In the dark, illuminated by a screen
We watch them live a life that we don’t want to admit
Is better than the life we gave them and better than the one we currently live

I told myself I’d be better
I told myself I’d have fun
I wanted to show her what she was missing out on
That she was in the wrong

But as I cope by swiping on a screen
Drawing out the pain with meaninglessness and failing
I have to admit
She got the better end of the deal
I needed her more than she needed me

You don’t smile the same way anymore
I look at the pictures of you and it’s just not the same
They don’t make you smile the way I did

I know no one other than me knows that I was the one behind the camera
That I was the one who got to love you for so long
That we were so happy together

I can see you now with your new half smile
You do it for the camera not the person behind it
I see through your facade

But when I look back at your smile when we were together
I see a girl without a care in the world
Of whether or not anyone is looking
Of anything outside of the love between the boy and the girl

I don’t doubt you’re happy
And I’ll be happy one day again too
But I know **** well I made you happier
Than any of these fools ever could

With the side of my head against the cold glass,
(There is really no comfortable position to rest your head in a car)
I listened to the sounds of the eighties,
And gazed out of the window at a pitch black sky.

Driving through a desert,
The twinkle of the stars blended with the twinkle of thousands of red lights flashing,
Only on the way back did I realize these were wind turbines,
With lights to let pilots know that they were there.

I thought of a girl back home.
Inspired by the love and romanticism of “The Ultimate Rock Ballads,”
I wondered when the love that these people described would appear in my world,
And I lived in a fantasy that was bound to never happen.

I hated these car rides,
It was hard to sleep with my mom’s singing,
Despite the lullabies she sang to me as a child,
I sat in my annoyance and angst.

I hated the fact that I had to stay sitting for so long,
I could feel the blood getting trapped in my legs,
I hated the fact that I wasn’t with my friends,
I wasn’t with her.

And now, as I live apart from my family,
Constantly surrounded by the possibilities of love,
I miss the love that I felt from my parents and sisters,
A love that I failed to recognize.

As I sat in that car,
Waiting to be let out,
I was creating timeless memories,
That I will forever treasure.

Hearing my mother sing songs that came out when she was in high school,
My foot beginning to tap and the words beginning to form on my lips,
A smile came across my face,
As I heard my father’s voice harmonizing with her’s.

My sisters in the back,
Singing with little effort,
But singing still to entertain each other,
Their laughter overpowered the song.

I now realize that this is love,
These are the things that shape who I am,
Not any girl who didn’t even know my name,
And now I don’t remember her’s.

Now that I have grown past my phase of dreaming of love and forgetting about the present,
I try as hard as I can to recreate the past,
A past that I spent dreaming about a future that never came to be,
A present, left unopened.

I think deeply about the love that my parents showed me,
A love that I failed to repay,
A love that I took for granted,
A love that they sang to me.

Despite the hate I felt for sitting in these long car rides,
These are the moments I remember,
These are the moments I miss the most.

-Inspired by the song “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now” and memories of listening to it with my family.

Friends come and disappear, some more than others,
Some leave town, some even farther,
It is not the distance that was added to an insignificant relationship that is significant,
It is the slow departure of one still so close, yet you know they are soon to be gone.

It is sad to see a relationship end,
When you see the person right in front of you during the process,
You can say so much, yet nothing can be said,
The present is alive but the future is certain to be dead.

For pain doth cometh when must I confess,
that I am not discernibly the best,
despite efforts, exhausted then, unless
soon I surrender this eternal quest.
And what is a road less traveled by, if
thou dost not get to a destination?
And so often do paths end at a cliff,
that I’d rather accept my damnation.
But what is life without being alive?
T’is a song, sad without word or meaning,
and even if words come, those which that I’ve
lusted for, light, shining on my being,
I contrive, nothing of this world hath worth,
For in the end, we all turn back to earth.

Cherry Chapstick on chattering lips,
That feel the chill of loneliness,
A thin layer left by the lips of another,
I can still feel her kissing me.


I can still feel her laying on me,
Breathing softly on my skin as she caressed me with her fingers,
Falling asleep as I caressed her,
I could feel our hearts beat as one.


The feeling of being with her,
The feeling of being with you,
Chiseled into my memory,
I see your face before me,
As I once did.


A night without sleep,
Not spent thinking of you,
But being with you,
So beautiful are your eyes.


Forever lost within their silent gaze,
Unable to be seen in the dark,
But surely felt,
Never forgotten.


Laying in the darkness,
Immersed in your voice,
You were the entirety of my being,
You had full control of the beating of my heart.


How swiftly did you fill my heart with love,
After a life of pain and emptiness,
Promptly did you break it,
Your honesty stings.


If I had only known that how close we would become would push us away,
Unable to see you, feel you, as so briefly I did,
I would have never dared set my eye upon you,
As you dared me to do.


I close my eyes and I am with you,
I feel your lips on mine,
And it makes opening my eyes to the reality of you not being there all the more painful.


Now I wait in pitiful hope,
That what you said was not true,
That your feelings will change,
And again I shall be with you.

I am her chauffeur,
I take her here and there,
We spend a lot of time together,
You could even say we’re friends.


My job is to take her places,
I know where she is and where she needs to be,
I never know why though,
I never see her outside of my car.


I have only seen her reflection,
She has only seen the back of my head,
I wonder if she even looks at me,
I wonder how tall she is.


She has a lover,
She talks about him all the time,
I know a lot about him,
Maybe even more than I do about her.


I like to hear her speak,
Sometimes I drive slower so she doesn’t stop,
I can only see her lips move,
I can only imagine how beautiful her eyes are.


She sits in the backseat,
I’d tell her to sit in the front,
but then she’d think I’m odd,
Why do I have to be so insecure.


She is the highlight of my day,
Her words never leave my mind,
All my thoughts are of her,
It is turning into an obsession,


She doesn’t know it,
But I love her,
More than that piece of meat she calls her lover,
More than anyone ever will.


She doesn’t know who I am,
She hasn’t even seen my face,
I only know her by her words,
Yet it feels like fate.


Through the rear view mirror I see,
A past that I had only dreamt of,
A future that will never be,
A secret and unfulfilling love.


I am her chauffeur,
And I am in love with her.


Pt. 2


She chooses the radio station we listen to,
I keep it on even when she's not in the car,
I learn all the lyrics to her favorite songs,
I'll sing them to her some day.


Today I took her to the park,
Tomorrow I'll do the same,
Only she'll ask me to come down with her,
And things will be different.


We'll have a picnic in the sun,
I'll set the blanket while she holds the basket,
She'll laugh at my jokes,
I'll watch her smile.


One day I'll tell her how I feel,
Her love for me will be just as real,
As mine for her has always been,
And things will be different.

I opened up to you more than anyone else before,
My trust in you so incredibly deep,
You told me that you would love me more than I would know,
More than I would ever love you back.

But now that it is inconvenient for you to see me,
And you have different people in your life,
It is like you don’t even remember the times we had,
And becoming close to you was a mistake.

I gave you everything I had,
More than I ever wanted to give,
But now it is like I was never part of you,
And now I am missing a part of me.

You asked for so much and I gave it to you regardless,
With no consent or thought of my own good,
I ****** my own soul for you,
I get no thanks in return.

I am a changed man for good,
The lessons I have learned immense,
But a rut is what I have stuck my head in,
My old self is never coming back.

No gratitude would be enough,
The scars will never be covered up,
What I gave will not be remembered,
What I gave will never return.

But I will remember you,
Through the scars in my tissue,
The hole within me,
The chain that will never set me free.

Let this be a warning for anyone who supposes,
That new doors will open when another closes,
And that their mistakes can be redeemed,
Happy endings only happen in dreams.

There is no turning back now,
I would change what I had done if I knew how,
But alas there is no return,
Forever, my soul shall burn.

I clung on to the thought of you coming back to me, but now in disappointment I find it only just a dream. I looked for a hand to hold but found nothing in return, I expected the same from you but instead I watched it all burn. I thought it would be different. Why am I always the deserted lover. I was always your's, but I guess you were never mine. I thought you felt the same as me and maybe even a little more, I tried to fall in love with you so hard to even up the score, but once I fell too deep you were already over it. I tried so hard to love you and find the words I'd want to say, but really you never felt anything strong enough to see the light of day. When I closed my eyes I saw you gleaming, and you closed your eyes pretending you couldn't see me.
Do my eyes deceive me or am I in another trap, it's been so long in these bars I don't know whether it's the present or the past. Thinking of life without you, it seems so very plain, but life with you has caused me too much pain. I once said that you were my life, but now there's no life left in me. All the pain wouldn't have been worth one kiss, but the scary thing is,
Despite all the pain, I'd do anything to relive it all again.