I'm not my poems.
I'm not sad and miserable.
I mean, I was but not anymore..

I'm not better or happy,
I've found new things to be sad about.

I thought it wasn’t fair.
Wasn’t fair to hate on every guy that I meet because it didn’t work out the first time,
Wasn’t fair that I closed my heart to people who really care about me
So I thought I should give it one last try
So I opened up
I haven’t opened up in a long time and it was weird
I told him about my fears and showed him my scars
He said things I wanted to hear and I loved every second of it
For the first time in a long time I was genuinely happy
For a few hours I was a different person
A happy person
I wasn’t in pain and I was hurting
I know it may seem as if I’m exaggerating but the feeling was amazing
It was a feeling that I wanted to feel often
He has issues himself but I thought at that moment nothing mattered
Now he is nowhere to be found
He gave me a taste of heaven and he left
Just like that
I don’t know where he is
He’s silent and the feeling of love is leaving me
I’m starting to think that there was no love
No connection
I called and texted and nothing
Now I don’t feel how I wanna feel
I don’t wanna admit that I’m hurt
I don’t wanna admit that love has once again failed me
Now I’m starting to think that maybe I’m the problem
Maybe love isn’t for me
The sad part is that I’m deep in it
The sad part of it all is that he told me to fall
He said he will catch me
I believed him and I fell
Now I hit my head on the ground
Now I’m dead again
Now tears are rushing down my face
I’m hurt again
I don’t understand though
WHERE IS HE?
Maybe I’m just too quick to judge the situation
Maybe he is just as scared as me'
Maybe he doesn’t have data
Maybe he’s busy
Maybe he went home
Maybe there’s something wrong
Maybe he’s just waiting for the perfect moment
I don’t know
I don’t wanna text him because he 'blue ticked' my last message
But that’s not how love works
I just gonna get rid of my pride and ask
So I’m gonna ask
I can’t believe I’m going through this AGAIN
This time I’m crying
This time I don’t know why I can’t just say '**** IT'
This time my heart is heavy
Listening to Ed Sheeran doesn’t help either
Maybe that’s why I’m really letting it out
I’m scared because I think this time I can’t pretend to be happy when I’m really not

When first times turn into last times. Its a sad story that nobody should know

**** all those other things
I LOVE YOU .

No introduction needed. We all know what pain is. Not the kinda pain you feel after falling but the kinda pain you feel after trusting, loving, caring and compromising and getting betrayed. We all know how hopeless pain makes one feel. And how one loses himself in it.

I on the other hand didn't know pain until it happened. Until nothing and everything happened.

Now my hand aches from the long nights i spend making love to my paper. Writing not because its artistic but because its a way of life. Survival.

I now know what pain is and I can tell you that its painful. I can tell you that it makes one feel hopeless..

My pain has turned me into a dark void. I push it down everyday assuming that I'll someday get relief from it.

Lost in my own mind that has nothing but haze that clouds every corridor. Pain that represses every form of feeling. I'm sitting in the middle of it all.

No conclusion needed. We all know that pain kills.
I know too....

She's sometimes afraid of him.
Afraid that he'll shut her out.
She is deep in it and she is willing to do anything to make sure that it doesn't happen.
This feeling of feeling so into him isn't gonna leave her anytime soon.
Every time she tries to forget about him,
she finds herself remembering all the good he has said.

She's afraid of being replaced.
A part of her believes she wouldn't but reality tells her a different story.
All the strings in her broke and she is losing her mind.
She is losing her mind over some guy.
A guy who teases her for being in love with him.
A guy who to me doesn't know what love is.

She's not gonna force anything.
Whether what she wants to happen happen or not,
she will be okay.

She knows that she has to somehow forget about him but she can't.
She is feeling alone and lost.
Broken.
She should be feeling love.

But I guess she's afraid of that too.

Can't move on. Everything reminds me of him and the love we could have had.
I smile to hide the pain but my cheeks hurt.
I'm going nowhere.
Writing makes things better and only makes things worse.
It takes the pain away and it escalates it.
Emotions getting the better of me.
Hating everything and everyone except for him.
He is proud of himself for getting me all worked up.
And I'm disappointed in myself for getting all worked up over a stranger that introduced me to darkness.
That introduced me to pain and anger.
I wish to stop allowing him to **** me over.
But it's like I'm enjoying the pain.
I enjoy getting hurt.
That's the only way to explain why I still love him.
I somehow found pleasure in pain.
That's the only way to explain why I still try.
I'm addicted to the pain.

Would you help me if you knew that I'm dying inside.
If you knew that I cry myself to sleep every night.
Its not about the attention.
Its about a 17 year old girl who is really asking for help.
I didn't know loving hurts so much.
I didn't know people could be so cruel.
I didn't know.

Would you help me if you knew that a sometimes I write with silver?
If you knew that life doesn't excite me anymore.
In all honesty its not about the attention.
Its about a 17 year old girl who is tired of hurting.
I didn't know loving you could bring me such pain.
I didn't know you could be so cruel.
I didn't know.

Your the only one that can help me though.
Your the only one that can put me out of my misery.
Your the only one that can end this.

I may write to you all the time.
I may write about you too but don't
ever think I'm nothing without you.

My dear stranger your nothing to me as
I'm nothing to you too. Read my pieces and
read them carefully. Don't ever think everything
is about you.

I may write about being hurt.
I may write about pain.
But trust me when I say all is okay.
Trust me when I say I'm not troubled.
Trust me when I say you haven't broken me.

My dear stranger remember that not everything
is about you....

Regrets flow in my head like a river.
My beating heart reminds me of what pain is,
It projects sadness in every beat.
I have a lot to say but
I don't have the voice or the courage,
I don't even have the heart.
Silence is what i say and
Silence is all that you'll ever hear.
Regrets and aren't even regrets.
My beating heart reminds me of what love is because I felt it.
You restored my faith in love,
You have given me something to be happy about,
You have taught me how and you enlightened my soul.
You have guided me out of my dark hole and I thank you for that.
I now see the light,
I now have the voice and the courage,
I now have the heart,
All you have to do is listen

They bleed forever and I don't wanna spend my forever hurting.. I've always imagined it to be fairytale like.

Now all I see is the  darkness all around me that is about to consume me. I don't mean to, but i'm allowing it more time to work, more time to brainwash me into thinking that its normal. I can feel it turning my heart to stone.

At least it wont bleed.

It will just be heavy and dark but it wont bleed. I pretend to be strong and I pretend it doesn't do me damage. You should know by now that I don't like showing weakness.

With no one to talk to my heart hurts from its cage. Cant talk to anybody because I have nothing to say. I don't even know how I feel.

Open wounds don't heal.

With my heart of stone I still cry out with the same heavy tone. What is now real is the darkness that is turning me into a loner. An Introvert.

I guess I should've paid attention to the wound sooner 'cause now I'm about to bleed to death.

You may say that I have trust issues. But do you really blame me? I mean, we live in a dark world so excuse me for having trust issues.

We live in a world were desires rule the hearts of many. People looking out for themselves and making others feel less important.

What happened to loving your neighbour?
What happened to helping each other?.. I'll tell you what happened.

All the good people are turning into bad people because of the bad people who were once good people. All the good people are tired.

I'm tired. Tired of always being more selfless and less selfish. Tired of being more considerate and less considerable.

But I have been redefined. Redefined by the pain, hurt, sadness, anger, depression and being too good.

I have been redefined because I kept everyone out and that one in. Redefined because I trusted too much. Redefined because I'm tired.

All the good people are turning into bad people because of the bad people who were once good people.

So excuse me for having trust issues.

Love is word people use to get laid
But lately I've been feeling it
And lately I've been feeling lost
I've been feeling alone.
He makes me happy but only for a while.
He makes me feel hot and steamy but only for a while.
Everybody likes him and he likes that,
Its so easy for him to forget about me but so hard for me to forget about him.
He uses it to get laid,
I think i should let it be ,
Maybe then he will see how much he means to me ,
Maybe then we'll be happy together
Maybe then we'll be happy forever
Maybe then. Not now, cause
Now we are walking in the now
And now you never know what ugly things about love decay behind back walls, because what i saw was unimaginable .
Second best ,
Words I never knew i could use directly at myself ,
The idea of them together is as distant from my mind-as unrealistic- as a moon that resolves around a non-existent black hole..
There is nothing I can do.
Second Best thats me
Separated from the rest