I don’t think I hate kids
I know I say it, but when I see them smile, I smile.
Part of me thinks the reason I’ve convinced myself that I hate them is because I fear I will bleed my childhood trauma onto them as my parents did to me.
I’ve almost convinced myself nobody will stay long enough to want to marry me, why would they want another version of me around as well?
Maybe I don’t hate kids, maybe I’m scared to taint their mentality.
I know I say it, but when I hear them giggling, I start to giggle too.
I’m convinced their giggles are helping to heal my inner child.
How sweet it is to hear a mom parenting so gently, how endearing it is to watch a dad offer help when they need it.
No need to ask, they’re just there to help them.
They’re the cause of the giggles, two parents.
Part of me thinks just knowing the newest generation being raised so kindly, is giving me hope.

Life may smother my flame, but it cannot hide the smoke bellowing from me.
I reignite myself time and time again with a sliver of hope that I may once again be near you.

There are times where I don't burn as bright and I'm afraid you may forget about me.
How can one forget the trails I have treaded down for more wood for one's own fire?

I have burned bright, and I have burned dim
All the while the smoke never reaches you.
It never chokes you awake in the middle of the night; it cannot reach you whilst you are out in town, or content painting at home.

I may only dream of the day in which it can reach you.

There is not a flame encasing my body that does not remind me of your touch.

The clouds in one's dilapidated mind,
once parted ways to make room for you.

Escaping each crevice, moving faster than the eye can see.
Dusting and cleaning on their way out to make it appear more homelike to you.

I have described my mind inside as a glorious wall, built with blood and tears, shrouded by constant storms; overran by parasitic flowers, devouring all feeling one might have for the outside world.

On that day, to have described it in such a way that would have ruined my reputation as an honest person.

Internally slamming my hands on a door that was locked from the other side,
I begged for people to see me.
And though I remained faceless in a crowded room, you didn't even need glasses to see right through.

It wasn't a matter of how many times you looked my way, but how long you lingered.
I know you wanted to unlock the door.
Held back by other faces, you always ended up turning away.

I'm still sitting on the other side; my palms bear blisters and scars from the years of trying to hold your attention.
Hoping that one day, fate would bring your mind back to that night.
Those days, even.

I know that just like me, you wanted more.

A decade later, I still try to turn the doorknob.
Hoping that you may be standing on the other side, waiting for me as I have you.

Looking at my ****** hands, I know that to not be true.

Inhaling the sky,
Absorbing the sun,
An unspoken sprayer for this war to be won.

Two candles lit,
A placemat below
Representing the moon and sea, and the places she'll go.

Three cards pulled
Knight and Page of Cups, Six of Swords,
The atmosphere erupted in a downpour.

A wax sealed letter,
Adorned with red string
With no idea where this might lead.

A hopeful Pisces whispering out one final plea,
Universe this one time, let it finally be me.

Running as fast as my heart will let me
Limping, breathing heavily but still, running.
Outrunning the thought that I’ll be alone forever, but not keeping up the pace with you.

Every now and again you stop to look at flowers on the sidewalk, and though you stand perfectly still, it’s as if I’m running in place.

One day you're laughing in Durango,
Looking across rivers at rainbows
The colors so vivid, lights so bright
you can almost see the happiness jumping out of your eyes.

You would've never thought laughs,
Would become echoes - far from your reach.
The rainbows you once saw turn to stormy black skies,
Those eyes that once shined - now glossed over.

You said we'd see these rainbows forever,
I cant see them through my tears.

C.k