Well the numbness hasn't quite subsided,
But it lingers there beautifully.
It haunts me in it's ominous glory.
The world freezes for a minute , maybe a while
It's what gives me a chance to breathe
But then life whispers in my ear and there I am back to square one.
I yearn for that numbness I once owned
The more it happens the quicker it all fades
I need the fix again
You taunt me with your absence
You're the fix but not anymore

I don't want to talk to people that were there
I want to talk to people that are there
Even the comfort of a stranger

It's my version of self medicating that's the worst

I go down hill at full through an almost I finite tunnel of numbness
The melancholy sweeps over me paralyzing me I can't move.
I'm stuck in this rut.

Then the poison is the only way to make me feel alive again.

We all want to feel alive

We want that adrenalin

I'd **** for the rush, while risking myself

Then it happens, it's the all time high,
nothing can be better for a night
and then you're left with your head between your knees on the next train home with the over sized glasses  feeling like you've just survived a plane crash.

But it's my remedy

I become reckless to prove a point to myself
That I can do and be whoever I want

When I look back I call it idiotic and stupid and lie and say its a regret but it's really not

I put the facade of hate towards my actions
But really it was a thrill that is now etched in my veins.

So I slither back into reality until the next problem or coldness hits
and I'm back at square one

It's a fever I can't sweat out
They're becoming my roots
It already has a pattern

It's attempting to form a routine

It's in the essence of the sadness that I wallow
Deep in the depths of the melancholy valleys
Each breath a patient arey countdown awaiting such an urgent end
It's the great escape
It's the oxycotton
They're the air bubbles in the drip
They're the spiders in my veins trying to break free
It's the remedy for now

Step 1
Isolation
Step 2
Self discrimination
Step3
Ventilation
Step 4
Self medicating
Step 5
The end

At first we start off happy but than life,our maker begins to chip away at us ,moulding us into the people we currently are.

At first we are entirely oblivious as to how things got so bad
We blame god. We blame people We blame nature. Why do we always have to have somebody to blame?

We need someone to blame because we don't want to admit that we failed our hopes and dreams  
We sit there and accuse anything and anyone for our life being ****

When we are young we truly beilieve that we can be that astraunat,that doctor.  That vet that princess that prince but the truth is 90% of us will never get there.
The small 10% that get there are the believers the striving the ones who aren't afraid of hard work, the ones who aren't afraid to fail

Hopefully I become part of that 10% failure has never scared me because I look at it more as trial and error and constantly question myself What have I got to loose?

She pollutes the starry night skies
with her aspirations,
its her imagination
the only thing pushing life forward
Her dreams and her hopes
They're  her motivation
They're the coal to the fire
They're the oxygen to the living
They're the land to the sea
It's the optimism in this pessimistic hell hole