I remember
I can see and hear and feel those lost days as if it were yesterday
The passion and the fire of youth burning my skin
You
How you made me wild with desire and adventure
I was bold and brave
In all my insecurities I still felt powerful
I knew there was a secret to my gaze that could bring you closer
I want to close my eyes tonight and dream of those days, I want this chance to feel alive again
I want to remember

Hollow… I follow each day grasping to the threads of survival, I can breathe and I can eat I am alive but I am only just that. There is no fire that drives these bones there is no heat for this soul, I am nothing with you.

To leave, a dream, to walk away from all this and be free but it’s not real is it it’s not so easy after all. I am trapped, in a web of my own design, because I believed all that I saw on tv, in films, it would all be so easy. They don’t warn you that every day would be a struggle to fight the loneliness to face the fear to just keep standing on your own two feet. You have to laugh and play along, there is no other option. You chose this. Do you admit defeat? No one will listen anyway, they will say it’s all in your head, you have always been the dramatic one. But you can understand those who finally escape, leave everything and everyone. Because every day is suffering and struggle and loneliness and it’s just too much.

I don’t know what to say, and yet I’m bursting at the seams with feelings, overflowing with disappointment. I have nowhere else to go I need to make this work. I try, I fool myself and my family and all those around me that we are doing just fine. But I am dying my soul leaking out little by little each day because I am confined here. I’m trapped in this beautiful gilded cage that never seems big enough to get away from him. I really tried but my eyes weren’t open to the doors slowing closing and the locks quietly turning. I’m confined here and I just need to survive

The innocent and the ignorant think it’s always just like the movies and criminal tv shows. A black eye, bruises, a battered and beaten woman crying in a shower or hospital bed. They always ask “why didnt you go to the police?!”

I can remember how it all started, even as far back as middle school. My neighborhood was the last stop for the bus which only left us the choice to sit in back with the bad kids, the older boys. They made me sit on their hands, talked about my *******, grabbed us, touched us and tormented us.

Unless she is black and blue, no one will believe she’s the victim.

He was going out for a smoke and I needed fresh air. I followed him up the stairs and somehow was at his room, he just had to grab his pack. I asked for a drink of water... I woke up, he had me completely immobilized with his body and just one hand, shirt up, pants down. I couldn’t move at all. “He knew I wanted it, that I liked it”... I tried to take control, I tried to ****** him to let me go. Finally I but his lip so hard he let me go. I left first thing the next morning.

I drank too much and I could not drive home, I asked to sleep a little at a friends house before driving home. He took that as an invitation for ***. He pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed despite adamant NO NO NO. I was a *****, a tease, what was I holding out for, he knew I wanted it... he finally got his way, I had no where else to go.

I’ve woken up to boyfriends touching me, having *** with me - somehow the understanding was that this is my duty as a girlfriend, conscious, willing or not...

These stories can go on and on. They didn’t beat me, I wasn’t battered and bruised but I was forced against my will. I knew there was no proof to support me, and who would believe the girl who stayed out too late, drank too much or gave in to her boyfriend.

Boys will be boys

I have witnessed this with many friends and was speechless to speak out... it’s not as easy as you think. It has become an expectation for women. Sometimes you finally give in just to make the harassment stop.

But there are those men, the ones that will take their time, that no means no, who realize there is time to get there if the feeling is right... we need more men like this.

Raise your boys right and your women strong.

❤️

I’m lost in the game of pretend, everything is fine. I waste time and breath and life to just get far enough away from the pain and disappointment, so it doesn’t hurt anymore. I’m fine...

It’s not about you stealing my life, precious years left of my precarious youth. You showed me I’m still weak and broken. You’ve shown me I still can’t walk away from the burning red flags you waved. I am not able to walk away from being hurt, over and over!

I made excuses for your beast, I hide from him as I did my own feelings of revolt and fear. I stayed, I should have left, as soon as I met you. I should never have let you tear away so much of me, to ruin so many precious memories.

Unfortunately now I’m still running and I’m still hiding from these feelings inside. I don’t want to admit that I’m the one that’s broken and I’m the one that can’t seem to walk away from the fire, no matter how much it burns.....

I don't think she ever knew the depths of my darkness, I think she just thought it was a phase or a mask I wore to fit in with my friends. I read pages and pages of pain and regret and anger and fear and loathing and sadness... she just laughed uncomfortably "wow, I had no idea" but she still doesn't... it's still there but I have learned over the years to tame this darkness. We must all wear our mask

I feel their pain and the tangled webs of thoughts and feelings become my own my blood flows as from their wounds my heart races for their fear it weighs on me from across the room I see your sadness through the laughter and smiles but I don't know you I don't want to break down the walls so carefully crafted I can wear your sadness dream your nightmares boil with your anger taste your fear and bear the burdens... I will carry them away with me so you can be free

How does anger turn into this crushing sadness? As if all the fights and fear were passionate memories of the love that once was. You made the conscious decision to do something you knew would damage, and destroy, this relationship. How is it that I feel bad, that I need to be the one apologizing and asking forgiveness. How did you go from being the one to the never more so quickly?

You did this...

I must remind myself, you did this, not me. My hurt is my own and now I must cry alone and I will plan alone and I will succeed, alone.

This is what YOU did

Now I must be the good one, understanding and mature and the bigger (wo)man. But really, **** him! Why am I the bad one? I am too hard to please? Because I have standards and feelings and self respect... I am too hard to please. He is drunk and he criticizes me and he laughes at my country and he laughs at me and I am supposed to take it all as just a joke... I am too serious. **** him. I would rather be alone forever, I would rather live with my cat, I would rather be responsible for everything in my life than have to put up with him. *******

I've spent 100 years inside your shadow, I've lived 1000 years in fear of your judgement. I keep you alive in my jealousy, criticism and insecurity. You are dead but these scars still burn. Every love I lose because of you, every hurt I welcome with open arms. What is love without manipulation and control. There is no pleasure without regret and self loathing. I can never be good enough because I was never good enough for you. My starvation was not enough to prove my loyalty to you. How do you still haunt me from the grave. All the walls I built you took with you in the fire. You've left me naked, vulnerable. I've forgotten how to fight you now. I'll beat my fists at the world. Maybe one day I'll finally be done.

I had just realized something... When I was young I met many a fine young boy. And we dated and time passed, but if they got too close I backed away. I remember saying I wasn't a good person, they deserved better. And I would disappear.

Later, I met many not so fine boys and how I fell for them... Then they told me they were not good people and I deserved better... And they disappeared.

I was so angry. Why couldn't I make that choice if they were good enough for me or not? How could they just disappear?!

I guess what goes around really does come around.

How can it be, assaulted by the chaos of a big city, working sunrise to sunset in the jungles to now sitting in the semi shade of palm trees staring at the bluest waters. A lifetime gone by in a matter of weeks. I feel like I've been twisted and turned and flipped around to be spit out in this tropical paradise surrounded by the people I've come to deeply disrespect.

Is this a test? The slow introduction back to the world I will have to return to in a few days time. Am I one of them, just another western tourist invading their fragile world?

These eyes have seen too much to ever really go back. My heart and mind can never forget what I've learned here.

I have to return, but not as the person I was. I hope I don't lose this feeling

I have become this
A shapeless mist
An aimless drift
A lovers last kiss
A clenched fist
A fruitless wish
An endless list
Of chances missed
To ever be his
To ever be whole
To ever want more
Than he'd ever share
Without first stripping me bare
And pretend that he cares
Though he'd never dare
To show me his heart
So I lay in the dark
And hope that someday I'll see the light

I was walking fast, the man in front of me saw me coming and pulled his wife aside to let me pass, I said thank you.....



I guess I do exist

Incredibly strange, first time going to a movie by myself, liberating and yet quite sad. It kind of makes me feel invisible. Sometimes it seems people stare at me as if I were an alien, yet at the same time I feel like I can move through the crowds, listen in on a strangers conversation, maybe even just sit down at the table with them, and they wouldn't even know I'm there... I feel like I've already forgotten how to speak, lost my voice, and everyone else is speaking a foreign language. I want to drink, I want the bartender to pour me glass after glass, and I want to be alone at that bar full of people. Maybe I'll talk to the bartender, but him alone. And finally, at some point, late in the night, I'll slide off that barstool and make that lonely walk back to my car, and go home alone.

Do not look at me, I don't want to feel your prying eyes. Peeling off my clothes in your mind. I just wanted someone to call in these far off cities, share the beauties of these foreign lands with me. But you, you just wanted a story...

Touch me
I need to feel the warmth of your hands
I need the heat of your desire
I need the weight of your body
I need someone next to me
To fill this empty bed
These sheets lay flat
From the lack of you
So lonely

There is no face to these dreams
There is no name to call out in my sleep
There is no one

And I will still desire you
The one that isn't
I need you

Come to me

I would cut myself a thousand times to drain this feeling of nothing...

Come to me in the dead of night when the neighbors are sleeping when my mind stops thinking. Come to me when the ***** has been long, and strong. Come to me when I won't remember the feeling of you stealing my heart

You
Are
Splinters
Sharp points
Bothersome
Pluck you out
But you dig in deeper
Always leave a piece behind
To fester and inflame
That's what I get for walking barefoot
My hands wanting to touch everything
Feel the grain
Feel the contours
Of you
Cuts
And scratches
And bruises
And splinters
That's what I get for wanting you.....

I do not belong here
A feeling I've had so long it is as natural as breathing
I wander through the day to day
As a ghost in purgatory
Not within not without
I try to blend in
But I am always as a tourist is my own city
As if it were a foreign land and I do not speak the language
Yet I can make my way
Know the side route and short cut
But I still struggle to feel connected to the city which has been my home my whole life
LA doesn't reject you, it just never cared

Perhaps you took it with you when you went away maybe it slipped into your bags your pockets your hands or maybe I forgot it, lost in your distractions, maybe I just left it lying there, unknowingly, maybe it just never was... But I felt that maybe, there was that something, there was ... that, and it didn't go away when you left. It lingers now, burning holes in my heart, my soul, my mind, my inspiration.....

It's creeping in that sinking feeling, where I feel you gone, where I know you were never here, when I know it was all a dream, and I should have never let you in. And to contact you, to spin the thread, keep knitting this web of delusion and deceit. Not enough not enough never enough you will never be enough I will never ever have you

*******
For your enigmatic, complicated and distant ways
******* for making me question myself
******* for making me forget what I'm worth
******* for making me cry
******* for leaving without saying goodbye
Then coming back without a reason
You had your chance
You could have had me
We could have been something
If even only temporary
You left without trying
Without a word of goodbye
And now your expect me to come running
Without any reason why
*******

I know you're there
Although I can't see your face
You’re the one that cares the one that stays
You won't leave
Emotionally, mentally, physically
If only to close my eyes
Without the fear you'll be gone when I awaken

I thought you were finally fading
But I see you in every face
Around every corner I feel you there
My heart slows in anticipation
But you are still gone
Why must I be disappointed with every time my phone doesn't ring
To hope that next message is from you
I want to throw a thousand pictures of myself online to fill your head with visions of me
I want you to be haunted by me as I'm am by you

I am a face without a name, a body with no soul, a head with no mind, arms with no feeling, hands with no need, warmth with no heart.  Somehow I’m supposed to want without need, to give and to give and to give and consider it a gift that you desire me.

There are people out there that still believe in magic, where one exists in the stars of their eyes.  What a place to be, in the dreams of one so fluid and beautiful with words.  To be more than just physical form and style, but this spirit of inspiration.  Oh I sometimes wish to move in this world with a cloak of disguise.  Maybe then the world will actually hear my words.  Distracted by lust, desire, jealousy or judgment, I do not exist.  I am a concept in their minds, I am not human.  But even a muse lacks that tangible reality of true love.  I would only disappoint, when discovered of my human flaws.  It is better that I stand afar, where you can’t see my cracks.  Even on your pedestal so high, you may notice the wear in my eyes.  I have fared well in the years, but I am not without the scars and bruises of my past.  Do not hold me up too high; it is only the farther that I will fall.

This is it, the release, and the music plays and the words just flow and somehow maybe there is peace beyond all this, maybe there is light at the end of this tunnel. And to read those thoughts from others. We all question and hurt and plan our revenge on the world. And maybe we just want to feel less alone, connected to something. Sometimes it's just a means to get it out. As much as I feel I must, I won't apologize for my ramblings. This is catharsis

I feared coming back here, to this place of darkness, angst, pain, and hurt. I've held it inside for too long I feel like I'm rotting. I have no outlet for my shame, anger, confusion and sadness. I must always carry on. And there is no room for weakness in this world anymore. I must be, and say and do and perform and it has to be perfect and believable. I have a mortgage to pay, and bills and responsibility. Who has time to feel? When did it become ok to break a heart every day, to use another, lead them on, take all they have and then leave without a word. Where has humanity gone. I miss the days when I just didn't care......

You have but hours left to haunt my mind.  There must be an end to this.  Perhaps you shall leave me with sweet dreams of closure. I ache to forget your face, your touch, your smell, the hollow you left each time you pulled away, every time I said No. My arms still feel the ghost of you. I shall regret all that wasn't said, so all i feared to share with you is here, on these private public pages. You scared me, fascinated me, entranced me, fooled me, seduced me, weakened me, opened my eyes, stirred up all the feelings of confusion and frustration and of dreams lost, love desired, need, want, that now I'm just so lost. Perhaps you're the catalyst I've been waiting for...

Tis better to have loved and lost
And lost
And lost
And lost
And lost
And lost
And lost
And lost
And lost
Than to have never loved at all???

Change is coming
It's in the air
Feel it on my skin
Behind my eyes
On my lips
On my tongue
Time to take control
My future is my destiny
I cannot wait to see what is to be

******* man
The immortal soul
Rapid heartbeat destroys all
Feel his warmth
In a pool of blood
Drain into the dark
In the center of gravity
Try to run
Defy yourself
Undo what's done
Come explore your dreams creation
This is the world of imagination

I take this to forget you
I write this to remember
You would have broken my heart had I let you in
Escape into sleep, I pray I do not dream of you

Your virtues and your victuals
Spinning circles in your room
I would love to watch you dance
The sway and movement of your body
If I could only let go and join you in your reverie

I carved a heart into my skin to replace the one I'd lost
Oh how it hurt when the blade cut in but the pain was all the same
I can distract myself with the wounds external, to hide the ones within
And maybe when they finally heal I will have forgotten your name...

I feel every minute
Scraping by like the ceaseless chafing of the tides
Each one of you that enters my life
A glimmer of hope as destructive as the crashing of the waves
And I am left as only grains of sand