Thursday, April 11th, 2019.

I have to stop getting my hopes up. Every sliver of attention that he shows me sends me into a whirl of happiness and excitement; until I remember his words that play over and over in my mind like a broken record. "If they're there, they're not apparent. I just don't see you like that right now. The rest of that conversation is muddled. Instead of the cold and numb feeling I'm used to getting when I hear things like that, my face flushes, I sweat, and I want to *****. I get so hot. I'm sure it's because he's the only person on this earth that I care about. Thinking about other people and whether or not I care about them makes me cringe, and I would drop them off the face of the planet if it made him happy. But after his words replay for the hundredth time, I am left spiraling down. In a burning house filled with anxiety-ridden smoke that I inhale like oxygen. I shake, and the reality of how truly alone I am right now hits me. I don't get angry, and I don't feel "nothing," but I have an unpleasant and indescribable feeling for the rest of the day. Right now, I am in the process of the downward spiral. I'm thinking of whether or not I should leave my phone at home or take it to work. I'm sure it would only worsen my anxiety at work. I think it's the biggest reason why I'm panicking right now. I constantly check it for messages from him, and when there is none like I expected, I'm sent further into flight mode. It's happened a couple times at work, and then I'm driven to impulsively message him when all he wants is for me to leave him alone. I'm not furthering my chances with him when I do that. In fact, he's clarified that it weakens them. I think I'll send him my HP link and that's how he can check my thoughts or check in. I'm spineless, I know, but I'm going to try as hard as I can not to message him first or worry about him and what he's doing. I'd like him to come to me first so that I know I'm not bothering him or annoying him. (Even with our snapstreaks, I'd like him to send it first. I know that sounds dumb but still). I asked him if he wanted me to take him to get his hair cut. Then I thought about his green bag. How I ask him if he has everything before we leave to go somewhere. That boy from work came over last week, and before he left, I asked him the very same thing out of habit. It was strange and I hated it. In truth, I strongly dislike that boy. I hate everything about him. I don't ever want to think of that boy again. Or anyone else for that matter aside from the one person I actually genuinely like. Anyway, I fear that I'll never have to ask that question as often as I do again. I just crashed onto the floor of my burning house. I'm going to leave my phone here. If not, in my car when I get to work. I don't want to ruin my 0.002% chance of talking to the only person I can tolerate later. Instead, I'm bringing my journal with me. If I have thoughts, I'm going to write them down and document them on my HP page so if he wants to access them, he can have them. (Though, I'm not sure why he would want them anyway). Maybe reading what I'm thinking every now and again will be good for him. Maybe not..

except...
my heart is as cold as the ice
on the ground...
dead as the trees come winter.
how i miss my family
in a land so far away...

Im waiting for him at coffee rush. He's probably finally going to tell me all of his feelings. It's going to be exactly what I don't want to hear. I know it is. I can feel it. It smells like earth worms outside today. Today will be the day that my life changes I think. To another course. Maybe forever. I don't know if I am ready for such a change. I don't think I want it to.

When he got there, I was smoking a cigarette. He asked me if I had smoked at all while we were together. I told him the honest truth, that I hadn't and that I was only doing it to feel something familiar. We talked about our days and our plans for the day. He's hanging out with Mariem later, and I'll be where? Home? I don't think I want to stay "home." Anyways. Then came the part I've been dying to hear. He told me he's been thinking about it a lot. It was "hard to NOT think about it." His decision was as follows:

"I talked to my mom, dad, and Austin. I haven't talked to Nick yet... But anyway, I don't think that it's in my best interest to date you again. They think so too. There's a fear of getting hurt again, but there's also the positive hope that I wont and that's something to possibly look forward to, but right now it's just not my best interest. I don't feel like I love you, so... And if we're meant to be together, then it will happen, but I don't want to give you more false hope."

We had a little more awkward conversation, and he kept looking at me funny. I knew he was going to say exactly that thing. I am not angry, nor am I heartbroken. I love him. I will always, probably. I am only a little sad. More so fearful of the lonely world I have just entered. For some reason, I am perfectly calm. I don't think it's going to be alright, but I think I just fell too far down the black hole to care anymore. I blocked him on social media and everywhere. The only thing I haven't blocked is his phone number. If he truly needs to talk to me, he'll just have to text me instead. Again, I am not mad at him. Not upset. I just think I don't feel anything. I swallowed everything I was feeling at Coffee Rush. I locked it up and put it back in a dusty old box, and shoved it on the highest unreachable shelf.

"I'm letting my one tear escape! There it is, haha!" I told him. I told him I was weirdly happy but in all truth, the remaining ruins of my old walls have been rebuilt in a matter of an hour. I hope he sees this. I hope he understands. But then again, why would I waste my time on hopes when they never come true.

"Stop wishing, and just accept it." A stranger said that to me once. I'll swallow the pill without a grimace or a thought and just accept it.

//

He went on for weeks about how depressed he was.
He told me that he didn't know what was wrong.
He felt the need to cling to me.
He felt like I wasn't being there for him.
He felt like he loved me.

Flash forward to right now.

Are you dating Mariem?

Are you stalking me?

No, but I saw an Instagram post.

Silence

Basically.

Hahaha, wow.

What?

Nothing, I hope you're happy with her.

I am, thank you.

He went on for weeks about how depressed he was.
He went on for weeks telling me he loved me and that he needed me.
If he ever lost me, he would be destroyed.
And yet,
he loves her.
So does that mean he never loved me?

//

I'm taking a break you guys. Writing on this page has recently become about the likes, and not the meaning behind the words. Gonna take some time to rediscover my love for literature. I love you. Thanks for being here for me.

There are many reasons why flowers make good gifts.
Orchids for your mother on Mother's Day
as a reminder that you never forgot that they're her favorite.
Lilies and Tulips for your grandma
because she's always loved the sweet smell.
Once I picked some of my favorite purple and yellow wildflowers
for a little bird  I had to bury.
I picked them because they symbolized the wildness of the bird.
I used to walk down south road and pick the honeysuckle
and the bee balm and place them at the ancient cemetery
to give my respect to the soldiers who lay there.
There are many reasons why flowers make good gifts.
Love and thoughtfulness,
respect,
congratulations...
But there is one reason why it isn't.
Much like everything else, nothing good ever lasts.

Sometimes,
All I want to do is run my fingers
Through your curly red hair.
To caress your face
And feel the texture of your beard
Under my hands.

Sometimes,
All I want to do is
Look into your pretty, blue eyes
Framed by your pale blond lashes.
To admire the freckles peppered across
The bridge of your nose.

Sometimes,
All I want to do is hear your laugh.
To hear your voice when you get home,
Saying, "Baby, I'm here."

Sometimes,
I miss you so much that it's hard to breathe.
I wish that we could talk.
I wish we could be friends like we were before.
I wish you weren't so stubborn.
I wish I knew why.

Sometimes,
Only sometimes,
I still cry.

I turned off my phone for an hour. I took down my pictures of him on my walls. They're in the top drawer of my tall dresser. I haven't turned my phone back on yet. I don't want to see if hes answered me. If theyre going to be what I think they'll be then I don't want to see them. He's got a rope around the last piece of my heart I was willing to give out to someone. I don't want to let it go yet. I think I have to soon, though. I just want to hang on to the last bits of good feeling I have before he yanks it away from me to keep forever. I didn't feel human when I met him. I don't want to feel inhuman again. I think im going to no matter the odds. Im turning my phone back on now. wish me luck.

It's 10:02 pm. I haven't opened up my phone yet. There's a single message from him waiting to be seen. I'm scared.

here I go

It wasn't as bad as I expected. But he didn't answer all my questions. Though, I did bombard him with a lot of them, so.

I thought I wanted to remember, but now I just want to forget.

I feel like i'm in a dream. A nightmare that I can't wake up from. I'm going for a walk. I need to leave.

i wonder about the things people would think
if i suddenly disappeared.
i wonder if it would benefit certain people
but not others.
if my heart suddenly stopped,
who would be so affected that they would grieve?
who wouldn't?
i wonder if i would be able to watch them.
to watch their feelings and their thoughts run through their heads.
"Maybe that's what death is? Forgetting... Being forgotten."
i wish i could erase my memory.
from my mind.
from this earth.
from the lives of people that i have impacted.

Even now;
Even through the heartache you're giving me,
My heart still skips a beat when I see you.
And instead of cry
I smile.
Even now;
When all you want is space
When you're near me, I can still breathe.
Even now...

I'm going to ******* run away tomorrow.
I'm going up north. Somewhere where only one person could find me.
And even HE proabably won't remember how to get there.
I need the ******* space.
I need to clear my head.
I need to not be surrounded by things that make me angry.
Like mariem
Or my lack of friends
Or brandon
Or the fact that my only friends never talk to me

I am an engine, and I will run without stopping until i fail.
Until i sputter and spit.
Until I'm wheezing for nourishment;
For proper maintenance.
I'll get you out of your holes,
And carry you up that mountain so your legs wont have to do the work.
I'll keep you warm in the winter.
I'll make sure you're cool in the summer.
I'll carry you for hundreds of miles before i need a break.
And when I break down, need an oil job,
Need a part replaced,
You'll fix it.
Begrudgingly, but you'll fix it.
And then off I go, working, working working.
Spitting, sputtering, wheezing, coughing.
Finally, I die. A bad fuel line,
And rusty pistons that don't pump anymore.
I am discarded.

I'm not a bad friend.
I asked your permission before I messaged him.
I just made a bad choice.

It'll get better.
You're young, and you still have a life to live.
No matter how deep inside a hole you feel,
You can always dig yourself out.
You can find that light,
Whether it's in music or video games,
In art,
In science...
Or even in yourself.
You will survive because I believe in you.

For 8 years straight, you've called me worthless more times than I can count.
Called me stupid,
ugly
fat
useless
An ungrateful little *****.
For eight. Years. Straight.
You told me that all my life,
Since I was a old enough to walk.
All the bad things that have happened to me,
Are all my fault.
"You're worthless."
I started to believe it, at one point in time.
Started to think you were right.
But... recently I've come to believe that
you are the worthless one.
You, are a worthless waste of ******* space on this planet.
You, deserve everything that happened to you.
Your kids getting taken away.
Your brother killing himself after you refused to go and get him.
Your failing marriage.
Your **** relationship with your family.
And it's all because YOU are the worthless one.

I have always had lucid dreams
I've had dreams that I will never ever forget
about my life
about dead friends
about the future...
I've come to understand nearly all of my
dreams and predictions.
But for some reason,
I just cant seem to ******* understand this one.

I was watching myself watch you. You were sitting on the other side of a window with her and you didn't notice me. You seemed happy. She seemed happy too. She was in a blue tank top with pink earbuds in her ears, and you were both watching something. Smiling, laughing. You saw me, nodded your head and smiled.

I don't ******* understand the significance of this ******* dream, why it was so clear, or what it was about. All I know is that it makes my blood boil. I am not going to miss you. I don't want to miss you. I refuse.

I am envious
of all the people I see laughing with their friends.
They all have a connection with each other
be it music
or love
or specific pet peeves that no one else has.
I remember a time when I felt those connections.
I felt connected to the universe.
Like I was sure about where I was and why.
I wish I could turn my ears off.
I wish I didn't have to hear
them laughing
being happy
as I sit here being a miserable little ****.