Alive,
is a little overrated in my head.
Yes I'm still breathing, my heart is pumping but alive isn't the word- for what I am.
I'm still here in existence, physical form but certainly not alive.
Why not? Well you see,
you and I have separate definitions of alive. To be alive is something you can feel, coursing through your veins, every curve and line.
Pulsing through your brain buzzing with intensity.
Pushing in and out of your body, one way in and one way out.
This is what being alive should feel like.
It doesn't feel that way for me.
Not today, not any day really.
Unless I go to the place where I'm numb the place I may never come back from,
who knows where I'll end up.

Angles,
Sides,
Degrees;
These are all the things that make up a shape.
People are sort of like shapes,
We have sides to us.
“no one else knows this side of me.”
He says.
Its funny how one phrase can make you believe, that you know a person.
I thought I understood you because, you said I did.
They say not to believe everything someone tells you,
I guess I ignored that piece of advice.
All I had to do was pay attention to your words…
You said “side”.
Here I was thinking that I was special,
I somehow unlocked the door hidden in the maze inside you.
As if the parts that I unlocked were supposed to be specifically tailored;
Uniquely sculpted to fit me perfectly.
I was silly to think I was the one that unlocked this side of you.
When you flip a coin, its not like you can’t land on tails twice once it’s flipped again.

In other words...

When you think you know someone you aren’t the only one.
People should’ve been made like shapes,
A square never changes form it stays a square no matter what.
People on the other hand change all the time,
Inconsistent by nature.

We both exposed ourselves in one way or another.
Except I opened myself up
You didn’t, you just revealed the surface
I showed what was inside
My heart
My mind
My soul
But you,
You never cut that deep.

I don't know how I can want something
so much that I've never had,
I've never experienced but yet I still want it...
unfathomable would be the word to call it.
I have this feeling that's yearning inside of me.

You know when you can't put your thoughts into words?
but at the same time, you can?
You're just sitting there searching for the correct word
Racking your brain of all the words you know
So, you just settle with the "almost" perfect word
but you know inside that it isn't "the" word you were looking for.

This feeling I can't shake it, it has me in a daze.
A fuzzy cloud of fog that I just can't clear.
I can't bring myself to understand what is deep down inside me.
If I could just get a grasp of it
Then, maybe just maybe I’d be able to pick at it
Understand why, why it feels the way that it does.

Instead it's like I'm running on an endless road
I will never find the ending because it's out of reach
It's something I can't touch
and if only for a minute I think I have a grasp I fall apart...
It happens all over again
I don't know what to call this cycle but
I just wish it would stop.


It's like a solid rock in the middle of my chest
It's strung in my insides hanging on for its dear life
It shreds through my body as its shrieking echo's
bounces inside of me.

Then I find myself here searching for an ending
That I'm too afraid to let happen.
That I'll get all that I want but it'll be a big letdown
Because, it's not everything I thought it would feel like.

I'll have to face my worst fears; the feeling would come back.
It'll creep silently back into my life
I don't know if I can bare the feeling again it's an ache that never goes away.
It's always there.

maybe one day you'll feel the way I do,
it'll drive you nuts until it consumes you.

Lost in the bittersweet sorrow,
Drowning in the forever light.

You let this happen… again and again.
You promise, yourself you wont let it happen again.
but it does, it always does.
Why? You ask yourself, why is it just so hard to let go?
You’re counting down the months of this year, this very year, this exact year. You put all your hope, all your prayers into this.

May,

Its almost here.
This is when you’ll find it, this is when its supposed to happen.
What you want, what you think you want.
Will it be everything you’ve wished? Will it be more? Will it be less?

Less, You don’t want less but sometime life -
Life cheats us, cuts us short of everything we want.

Life, is taking all the good I have left in me.
Life, is taking me away from myself.
Life, is the thing that passes you by if you don’t make the right choices but ends too short not giving you enough time.

Time, the very thing you have an infinite amount of but never, never, ever enough.

Enough, You’re hoping you do everything right.
Right, for the ones around you.
Do it the way they didn’t, to see if you can get further than they did.
To see if you’ll be happier than they are.

Because to be enough means to not fail them, to not fail yourself.

In the end
You're left with no more time,
Life is at its end.
Maybe you had longer than the rest or even less
Was it all worth the pain?
The same pain that gives life, is the same pain that takes it.
Was it worth not being happy?
You’d sacrifice your happiness to find happiness.