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196 · Oct 11
The Cost of a Breath
K J McCarthy Oct 11
Money has separated man from its humanity.  Materialistic things are what defines the value of people now, not the quality of their character. Finances take precedence over life itself. Such a shame you can't even die without paying a dime. The significance of existence is neglected for the fabricated actuality built upon the greed of men. The world would rather see it's own end, as the need to free the lost from the hold they have on themselves grows. Vaults lined with emerald papers folded, locked away from the empty souls from which they were stolen. This incessant race only ends in tragedy, as blank stares neglect compassion.
104 · Oct 27
I Loved Love
K J McCarthy Oct 27
I loved love
The feeling of it
The idea of it
What I was hoping you would be

The fairytale in my head
I wanted that for us
I really wanted to feel it
Something more than only lust

I loved love so much
I tried so hard to make it real
I wanted to love you so bad
For once, I just wanted to feel

I wanted love so much
I'd get on my knees and crawl
But no matter how much I forced it
I just didn't love you at all
68 · Oct 11
One Mind
K J McCarthy Oct 11
The man hes shadowed and thinking
how the rocks go around their stars
He stands and watchs, he links
everything together in existance
His mind he applys to the heavens
Celestial land, man may never see
Of our own universe we find ourselves bound
Blind to all, but three dimensions our eyes wrap around
To see with the mind is the answer to the asking
The very elixur of our escaping the planet
Thriving not just on Earths soil
but of the plains from planets amongst other suns
Extradimensional beings, they manipulate life
Human mind, behind in time
we may as well be in the dark
Agressive organic beings can never get themselves together
and obtain the greater picture as one mind.
64 · Oct 5
Diametric Coalescence
K J McCarthy Oct 5
A dream without effort is just wishful thinking. Sure, the first step starts in the mind, but action is the true driving force in manifesting your desired reality. The devotion to staying consistent doesn't come easy, your determination will be tested every step of the way. What you draw from your failures will depict either your rise or your fall. Adversity is all apart of the path. Appreciation for the beauty of the destination is realized in the ugliest parts of the journey. Learn to embrace the harshness of the trek the same way you revel in the glory of the summit.
K J McCarthy Oct 5
Am I human? Alive or
just a speckle in an eternal sky a mere note floating in a bottle on endless ocean,
vast crashing waves, casting shadows of an alien future
thriving for eyes of reciting
words spoken upon amputated ears
just another child of death, swept under the floor, feed for worms, and
bloodstained soil
sound drained and empty, can you hear the sound of previous skin?
shouting and calling like the hungry serpent who's eyes dilate with its stomach, as it sheds its skin
and stands to compfort the clouds
will you love me?
willing as death, not taking!
but giving as birth!!
touch me
my senses quiver with your fingers
love leaves my lips as they grasp yours
as the talons of the hunting hawk
who's thirst for life is forever
K J McCarthy Oct 5
Ive built a wall around my heart. Dont mistaken the guard I have up for strength. The ability to allow yourself to be vulnerable is true strength, and what I have grown to become is quite the opposite, shut off and distant. From all the pain Ive witnessed, Ive created a maze, to confuse and throw off anyone with intentions of getting to the core of my emotions. Ive let others in too easily in the past, and am not sure if Ive grown weaker or stronger as a result. All I know is Ive become a challange that not many can or are willing to conquer. Maybe Im pushing people away, maybe Im filtering out those who are undeserving, Im not sure. All I know is Ive become intentionally difficult. Maybe its fear of being hurt again, maybe Im wise enough to spot a threat to my mental well being before they breach my thoughts and feelings. Am I strong or am I weak? Again, Im not sure, but all I know is that Im still that child of old, filled with fear and skepticism, through being exposed to great depths of turmoil. These experiences have caused me to take up defenses and bear an armor, for Ive found that most of my distress has been caused by the most trusted, and seemingly sincere. All of this has left me in a state of disarray as I second guess, and over think. Maybe Im the problem, and one day I could unwittingly be over bearing, and over protecting of my love, and push away the one Im meant to be with. My true phobia is that my own fear will imprison me, and Ill be responsible for my own solitude. I would then be the one self harming, by refusing the chance at real love. Ive become my own worst enemy, blind to my own self sabotaging ways, while actively redefining it as precaution, in order to remain in a comfort zone built with overwhelming denial.
43 · Oct 19
An Addicts Awakening
K J McCarthy Oct 19
For a lot of years, I held on to so much resentment. I let the way I was treated by others define me. The sickness in others infected my self worth, and I let it consume me. Eventually depression and self loathing became my reality. This darkness I carried with me grew into self mutilation, suicide attempts, and landed me in institutions. I was lost, and I didn't want to feel the emotional pain anymore. I found a way out in pills. I had no clue how serious my actions were, and how much worse my pain was going to get. As addiction progresses, boundaries become non existent, and all the 'I would nevers' evolved into normalcy. I justified all of this by giving blame to the way I felt hated by those who were supposed to love me. When I overdosed it didn't even scare me. My mother found me with my lips blue, not breathing, and I laughed about it. When even death isn't enough to wake you up, you know you're in a very low place. This low place was the best thing that ever happened to me. Every bit of my life was necessary, though at the time I didn't see it that way, I didn't understand at the time but one day I would.

It took time, but I've learned valuable lessons, my wisdom was earned in scars only I could heal. I made an effort to stop being so **** selfish, not everything is about me, and the way people treat you is a reflection of how they feel about themselves. This realization was an eye opener, because I was letting my trauma bleed on to everyone around me, just as the pain of others impacted my childhood. This is when I realized I was feeding the cycle. I was another tortured soul passing on pain, and I refused to let that happen. I stopped being a victim and started holding myself accountable. I started looking more at myself and the part I played in my own suffering. I'm responsible for only myself, and the quality of the relationship I share with myself. That's the thing, most people are so distracted and focused on building relationships with others, they forget the most important one. The relationship with the self. We wonder why our relationships fall apart, and its because we don't take the time to create a healthy one within us. I turned my effort inward, and spent months soul searching. At one point in my life, I totally lost all self identity, I was a stranger to myself. In losing, I actually found myself, because instead of avoiding, pushing things down, and not addressing my misery, I chose to face it head on instead. I used to be so afraid of being uncomfortable and facing my harsh realities, and admitting to the pain I caused others. I didn't want to think about myself in the same light as the people who abused me. Ignorance is not bliss, ignoring the elephant in the room doesnt make it go away. Bliss is only temporary when you ignore the facts. The truth never goes away, it is constant, and fear only exerts energy that attracts more things to be afraid of. Fear does not cancel itself out, it only multiplys until you start looking at the root cause of it. I didn't even fear death but I feared the unknown, I feared what was outside of my comfort zone, until I got sick of it. By throwing myself into the deep end I noticed my fears were irrational, as I discovered swimming was easier than I thought. This gave me confidence, challenging myself to face uncomfortable truths. I couldn't truly be honest with myself until I stopped accepting the lies I fed myself. I had to be brutally honest with myself if I wanted to make real progress.

Take it easy on you. You'll never be perfect and that's okay. Your flaws are what make you human. The goal isn't perfection, the goal is to find yourself in a constant state of growth, becoming a better version of you every day. Being teachable was something I really had to work on, there's a lot to learn when you aren't busy thinking you know it all. You can learn something from everyone and everything, if you get out of your own way. Finding a way to enjoy the journey despite the redundancy is a must. It's easy to become bored, and dissociated, when you aren't feeling fulfilled in the present. The little things go unnoticed, as we grow out of touch, which can lead us back into old habits. Do something you love once in a while. You might not feel inspired as you're grinded down by your daily life, and that's okay. This is all apart of the process in gathering life experience, an existance worth expressing. Sit back and let life happen. In the moment it's hard to focus on anything else, besides the ****** way you feel, but eventually time will provide you with alternate perceptions, and other ways to look at things. It's okay to feel negative, it's apart of the process. Understand that the way you feel isn't the ultimate conclusion. Try to learn to love you, or nobody will. Don't become the people that have hurt you. Hurt people hurt people, and the only way to unburden yourself is to let go, and forgive. Not for them, but for you. Forgive them because if it wasn't for the pain they caused you, you wouldn't be where you are now. There are positive take aways in everything that happeneds, you just have to look for the good that can be derived from your shortcomings. I learned way more from my pain than I ever have happiness. This is why I wouldn't change one moment of my life. I might not be this person I am today, I might not have the wisdom I have today, if one moment happened any differently. That's why I wouldn't change a thing.
42 · Oct 20
A Walk in the Park
K J McCarthy Oct 20
Humming city of whizzing cars
Speaker phone conversations
White noise voices echo from afar
Subway car vibrations are felt from below
Over stimulation and anxious
I need a moment of tranquility
Maybe I'll take a walk in the park

Demand of the daily grind is exhausting
The postman brings outstanding bills
I'm behind on
My stress is making me go grey
Life seems overwhelming with no happy ending in sight
And this city doesn't do me any favors
I just need some serenity
I cant take it anymore
Maybe I'll take a walk in the park

Being in nature is my remedy
The soothing silence is therapeutic
As a breeze passes through the trees
This is what I needed
A moment to clear my thoughts
To reset and recollect
No matter how hard life gets
This place makes me feel like
It's a walk in the park

— The End —