For a lot of years, I held on to so much resentment. I let the way I was treated by others define me. The sickness in others infected my self worth, and I let it consume me. Eventually depression and self loathing became my reality. This darkness I carried with me grew into self mutilation, suicide attempts, and landed me in institutions. I was lost, and I didn't want to feel the emotional pain anymore. I found a way out in pills. I had no clue how serious my actions were, and how much worse my pain was going to get. As addiction progresses, boundaries become non existent, and all the 'I would nevers' evolved into normalcy. I justified all of this by giving blame to the way I felt hated by those who were supposed to love me. When I overdosed it didn't even scare me. My mother found me with my lips blue, not breathing, and I laughed about it. When even death isn't enough to wake you up, you know you're in a very low place. This low place was the best thing that ever happened to me. Every bit of my life was necessary, though at the time I didn't see it that way, I didn't understand at the time but one day I would.
It took time, but I've learned valuable lessons, my wisdom was earned in scars only I could heal. I made an effort to stop being so **** selfish, not everything is about me, and the way people treat you is a reflection of how they feel about themselves. This realization was an eye opener, because I was letting my trauma bleed on to everyone around me, just as the pain of others bled on to me. I was becoming those people I despised. This is when I realized I was feeding the cycle. I was another tortured soul passing on pain, and I refused to let that happen. I stopped being a victim and started holding myself accountable. I started looking more at myself and the part I played in my own suffering. I'm responsible for only myself, and the quality of the relationship I share with myself. That's the thing, most people are so distracted and focused on building relationships with others, they forget the most important one. The relationship with the self. We wonder why our relationships fall apart, and its because we don't take the time to create a healthy one within us. I turned my effort inward, and spent months soul searching. At one point in my life, I totally lost all self identity, I was a stranger to myself. Losing myself would eventually show me in vivid detail exactly what I wasnt. The mistakes you make, the trial and errors of life do not define you, what you do with them does. Instead of avoiding by pushing things away, and not addressing the deep rooted trauma, I chose to face them head on instead. I used to be so afraid of being uncomfortable and facing my harsh realities. I had to start acknowledging the pain I caused others. It was time to stop minimizing the hurt I caused and finally own up to it. I was afraid to think about myself in the same light as the people who abused me, but the person I let myself become was no better. It was time to stop justifying the pain my actions have caused. Trauma doesnt excuse your actions. I couldnt point the finger anymore. Ignorance is not bliss, ignoring the elephant in the room doesnt make it go away. Bliss is only temporary when you ignore the facts. The truth never disappears, it is constant, and fear only fuels energy that attracts more fear. Fear does not cancel itself out, it only multiplys until you have no choice but to pay attention. I didn't even fear death but I feared the unknown, I feared what was outside of my comfort zone, I feared change. I knew it was going to be a painfully difficult process facing my fears because I could no longer hide behind excuses and blame. I got sick of this life of lies I created, sick of going in circles doing the same thing, expecting different results. Stuck in a web of woven Insanity. I didnt know where to start, so I just threw myself into the deep end and I noticed my fears were irrational, as I discovered swimming was easier than I thought. This slowly built my confidence, challenging myself to tackle uncomfortable truths. I can do this! I couldn't truly be honest with myself until I stopped accepting the lies I fed myself. I had to be brutally honest with myself if I wanted to make real progress. I couldnt change the past. The things I did will always be there, forgiving myself was the true test. Finding a balance between holding myself accountable and calling myself out on my ******* without hating myself even more wasn't easy to do. If I wanted to heal, I had to look at the positive outcomes aswell. Self loathing and being ******* myself wasn't going to help or change anything. I knew plenty about ******* up that could be used as a blueprint and a compass to help build and guide me towards becoming the best version of myself. I went so far off path, I completely lost touch with myself. I became someone I wasn't, someone I didnt recognize, someone I hated. I had to become that person to truely understand the spectrum of my life, in the many lives I lived within it. I had to see the worst interpretation of myself to fully grasp the potential of my best. I lived through some dark moments, I refused to let it be for nothing. Everything you witness happens for a very important reason. Your perception is one small sliver of the greater reality. Open your mind up to every angle and aspect to see your life experiences in many different lights. The extensive amount of subject matter that exists in every moment, of every experience we endure in our lives, is vast and filled with knowledge and wisdom. You can either use it to your advantage or disadvantage. Just understand whatever you're going through is exactly what you need.
Take it easy on you. You'll never be perfect and that's okay. Your flaws are what make you human. The goal isn't perfection, the goal is to find yourself in a constant state of growth, becoming a better version of you every day. Remaining teachable was something I really had to work on, there's a lot to learn when you aren't busy thinking you know it all. Humility is important for growth. You can learn something from everyone and everything, if you get out of your own way. Finding a way to enjoy the journey despite the redundancy is a must. It's easy to become bored, and dissociated, when you aren't feeling fulfilled in the present. The little things go unnoticed, as we take them for granted, which can lead us back into old habits. Do something you love once in a while. You might not feel inspired as you're grinded down by your daily life, that's normal. This is all apart of the process in gathering life experience, an existance worth expressing. Sit back and let life happen. In the moment it's hard to focus on anything else, besides the ****** way you feel, but eventually time will provide you with alternate perceptions, and other ways to look at things. It's okay to feel negative, it's just as important as positivity. Understand that the way you feel isn't the ultimate conclusion. Try to learn to love you, or nobody will. Don't become the people that have hurt you. Hurt people hurt people, and the only way to unburden yourself is to let go, and forgive. Not for them, but for you. Forgive them because if it wasn't for the pain they caused you, you wouldn't be where you are now. There are positive take aways in everything that happeneds, you just have to look for the good that can be derived from your shortcomings. I learned way more from my pain than I ever have happiness. This is why I wouldn't change one moment of my life. I might not be this person I am today, I might not have the wisdom I have today, if one moment happened differently. I might not love myself today, if I hadn't known hate. That's why I wouldn't change a thing.