Scared to go to sleep,
scared of the secrets I keep.
Time to go to bed,
and visit the monsters in my head.
They day I’ve gone insane,
but no one sees my pain.
I want to shout,
when the lights go out.
These demons come out to play,
when the lights fade away.
Under my bed and in my closet,
maybe I really have lost it.
Praying for a light or spark,
because I’m afraid of the dark.

I hate to be apart,
from the boy in my heart.
Is smiles seems to glow,
I hate to see him go.
When I awake he’s the first on my mind,
his hand I wish to find.
I’m so happy I found him and he found me,
he’s the sweetest thing you could ever see.
His pretty blue eyes and his voice,
so glad I was his choice.
Still new to this,
but by him it’s bliss.
I don’t know where to start,
to explain the boy in my heart.

Falling behind in my grades,
as my mind slowly fades.
Life is hard,
and in my hand I deal no cards.
Drowning in self doubt,
as my darkest thoughts seep out.
Feeling lost, hope to be found,
as my demons scream out loud.
Uncertain and without trust,
feeling like I’ll bust.
Trying hard to do my best,
trying hard to past every test.
Grades drop,
wish my emotions would stop.
Everything would be better,
if my mom read a letter,
saying I was gone,
and that she move on.
I’m just a burden to everyone I see,
I feel both mine and their life with misery.
Why must I try so hard to be good,
when I'm never understood?
My life feels full of pain,
and like I’m going insane.

I seem to be in depression,
negetive thoughts are an obsession.
Trying hard yo get away,
but I hate everyday.
With one person do I feel joy,
but I don’t want to burden this boy.
With him my worries disappear,
and my demons I do not hear.
Not even my mom can understand,
that my heart is growing bland.
I don’t want to trouble anyone,
sometimes I wish my life was done.
Sitting here as every thought,
seems to hide and haunt.
Wishing life was just a dream,
wishing someone could hear my screams.
But I shouldn’t call for help at all,
so I’ll just hold in this call.
My life rumbling,
so I begin crumbling.

I can’t fall asleep tonight,
wanting to feel your arms squeeze me tight.
Picturing you in my mind,
hearing your voice so kind.
The cold sends a shiver down my spine,
wishing our hands could intertwine.
Wishing to feel your body heat,
and listen to your heart beat.
I gaze at the stars,
wishing to be where you are.
Tucked away in your arms,
safe from all harm.
Wishing wishes so deep,
beside you I wish to sleep

Spring break,
I’m not sure how much I could take.
Not being by his side,
together I wish we could hide.
When I see him again I’ll jump in his arms,
and gaze into his smile that charms.

Anxiety attack.
These skills I lack.
Can’t find a way to get back.
No where to go.
The stuff I don’t know.
This darkness starting to grow.
Need a bit of luck.
My mind filled with muck.
Feeling like I’m forever stuck.
Trying to climb the ladder but the bars are broken.
These thoughts left unspoken.
I feel like I’m chokin’.
My soul is a shred.
This thoughts fill my head.
My emotions left for dead.

Look at the bird,
see how it flies.
A hunter sees it too,
so it dies.
Grace and beauty in my life,
it flees.
My life is torture,
meant for misery.
Peace in the darkness,
blinded by light.
Lost my dreams to live,
and my will to fight.
Feeling ignored,
by the ones I love.
Given up wishing,
on the stars above.
My mind to dark,
and left for dead.
A dark abyss,
in my head.
Emotions out like a switch,
and I don’t know what to do.
Cant fix a thing,
cant stop thinking about you.
Nothing to write about,
but how I feel.
This darkness once locked up,
but broken is the seal.
I’m a broken mess,
both mind and soul.
A painted on smile,
its taking its tole.
Forgotten is the face,
under this mask.
To remove it,
is a difficult task.
Look at the bird,
once free in the sky.
Then look at me,
and then you’ll know why.

Skipped out on morning walks
The time I planned to talk
Feeling more than depressed
Becouse I got more than obsessed
We talked through the phone today
Got tongue tied now knowing what to say
Questions and thoughts fill my head
Feeling like I’m hanging by a thread
Not enough bricks to build this wall
My hearts been bounced like a basketball
I clearly don’t make the cut
So I keep my mouth shut
My mind filled with doubt
Thinking about when we went out
To everything I’ve gone blind
He’s the only thing on my mind
My heart can’t stop asking “when?”
All I have left is paper and pen
To go through this is hard
My heart in shreds and shards
I count to three
But it still bothers me
Not sure how much I can take
Befire I finally break
I have to hold it in
It won’t stop once it begins
Starting to take a mental dive
As this feeling eats me alive
This feeling I must ignore
Throw away the key and lock the door
I must find a way to break free
Even though this is killing me

doctors shove pills down my throat
but I stay quiet, scared to rock the boat
saying there’s no way to fix me
so they end up breakin’ me
I’m fakin’ every part of me
hopin’ someone’ll see
and maybe set me free
tired of being watched with those beady eyes
and im so sick of hearing all the lies
they tell me not to cry
but I wanna curl up and die
tryna to get by
as I silently wonder why
im losing my sanity
to everyone’s vanity
and humanity
Im stuck in a dark place
and makeup covers my face
but I cry it all away
from the pain through the day
and I bottle it up inside
until I find a place to hide
i try to remember who lives beneath my mask
but instead I pull out a flask
cuz to remember is too hard of a task
and I try to ask
what happened to my life
as they hold their steely knife
telling me I’ll never be a wife
my dreams, they don’t matter
my mind full of clatter
as I hear everyone chatter
they Say i need to be thinner
so I skip my dinner
tryna be a winner
but feeling like a sinner
trying to fit this image that everyone wants
but I feel like a hollow ghost that haunts
cuz this being just cannot
So I’ve given it my best shot
I’ve given it all I got
but I’m given in
I know I can’t win
I cut up and down my arms
feeling peace in self harm
I really did try
but I must say goodbye
for soon I’ll die
and leave you wondering why
So I’ll grab a rope or knife
and without another world I’ll end my life

Sittin in the snow
the cold wind blows
and nips my nose
i wonder how deep my mind goes
I remember those days when I felt sane
when my heart wasn’t swallowed in this pain
when I would dance instead of sit in the rain
now this change is as plain as day
how this feeling won’t go away
so instead it stays
and it laughs at the game it plays
it plays on my mind
I’m running out of time to find
to say my last goodbyes
I shut my eyes
the tears turn to ice
on this cold winter night
I’m buried in this fright
I no longer see the light
I gaze up at the sky
wishing I could fly
but instead I must die
the pain from the lies
I try to confide
but no ones by my side
so I run and hide
but no matter how hard I try
my mind won’t comply
to give a little spark
to save me from the dark
so I sit here in the cold
my heart no longer gold
no hand left to hold
my mind growing old
and my bones begin to fold
soon I’ll be buried in the snow
my death is slow
just like the wind I’ll fade
so I take this blade
and I cut deep in my skin
so I say now let the games begin

We play this game
to cause each other pain
I love to play
and take your life away
holding the knife to your throat
i don’t mean to gloat
but somehow the tables turn
and your knife is what I yearn
we play without rules
and we use some tools
once you through a chair
now is that really fair
guess it is when I grab a gun
but it makes it more fun
Day or night
we put up a fight
we love it both the same
this little game we play

Sitting here in the rain
waiting for the next train
I tried to touch the sky
but I learned I couldn’t fly
I wish I knew from the start
so I wouldn’t have a broken heart
Everyone told I would fail
but I fought tooth and nail
I can’t go back like this
there are chances that I’ll miss
I still have yet to reach fame
thats the reason that I came
I made friends along the way
so I guess I’m here to stay
So it’s time I get by
and learn to fly
Heres what I’m going to do
IM GOING TO MAKE MY DREAMS COME TRUE!

I peel the stitches from my face
I always feel out of place
Among my lips a permanent cut
Because I can’t keep my mouth shut
I know what I’m to do
Only speak when spoken to
So much I’m meant to hide
I keep it all bottled inside
Just stay quiet and all will be fine
But these words aren’t theirs they’re mine
Bit if I speak I’ll get ridiculed or worse
The human language is a human curse
For words do hurt more than we thought
Its just words are never caught

As I’m suddenly standing here,
on the edge
I can see so much clearer,
my friend
Thinking I should disappear,
it’s the end
Drowning in all this fear,
and dread

But slowly I remember
That day in December
You said things would get better
We’d be best friends forever
But were no longer together
Cuz you are gone
Where did I go wrong
After so long

I always think of you
Dont know what to do
We were better as two
Im trying by
Without you by my side
You were so kind
You’re stuck in my mind

Its hard not to see
You not next to me
After so many years
You wiped away my tears
You were my best friend
But this is the end

I look at the sky
Way up high
I think I can fly
Or at least I can try
But this is goodbye

They say love is forever
But turns out forever is never
So love is nothing
Or could it be something?
Nothing lasts forever
But we always remember
The times we were happy
The ones we called baby
Our hearts take wing
Our voices sing
The glory of love in our heart
That we’ve had from the very start

Ladies?
Who works night and day
Just to make your pay?
Who fakes a smile through a mask
Just because it’s your task?
Who struggles to do what’s right
not sure if they should fight?
Do you work to reach your dreams
ni matter how hard it seems?
Do you try to make yourself perfect
even though you’re already worth it?
Ladies, let me tell you something that is key
your hard work is pure beauty
You're strong,
You're beautiful
You're powerful
You can do anything in the world
even if you’re “just a girl”
because we have girl power!
we’re not just delicate flowers
we pack a punch
And we pack a mean lunch
we may look frail
but we can whoop your tail
so come on girls and join me now!
and show the men that girls know how!
we don’t have to stick to the gender roles
we can break free and let go
meaning you don’t have to like pink bows and skirts
you can like sneakers and dirt!
So come on, stand up and fight
at the end of the tunnel there is light!

His precious eyes
His sweet smile
When I see him my heart flies
I want him to stay awhile
When he's about to go,
I already miss him
If he likes me I don't know
Without him my life is dim
I look at him and want to hold his hand
He smiles and I imagine a precious kiss
If I'm with him I'm in wonderland,
And every second is pure bliss
He is my sky
I want to be his stars
In him I want to fly
He feels so far
Bike rides down the street
Meeting up after school
I can feel my heartbeat
Not sure if I'm just a fool

Middle of the night
Trying not to fight
Doctor gave me these pills
My mind never standing still
In the pale blue moon
On a night in June
I knew exactly what I had to do
No one understands what I'm going through
I stood up on a chair
I thought how life isn't fair
Then I thought about revenge
And how to push them over the edge
I got down and got to work
Figuring out ways to make them hurt
I took them down one by one
I found out this is fun
I knew I would meet the Devil
But I went to the next level
Everyone I saw I took their life
Practicing throws with my knife
Cuts so deep
Hearing them all weep
My clothes stained red
But this is all just inside my head

Everyone talks about the devil on your shoulder
And how their life is getting colder
But what about the angel on your other shoulder?
She's ignored as she grows older
She tries to help you out
But all she gets is self doubt
She tried to help but she's never heard
Trying to speak but you can't hear a word
Her voice a whisper, the devils a shout
Her will slowly running out
But those who chose to listen brighten her days
And to the darkness their lives don't give way
She dances in my hand
Because I understand
I am the angel on your shoulder
And I think you should listen to her
For all we try to do is help you
For its all we know how to do

In the dim light
You demand a fight
"Draw your sword"
My enemy roared
I turn my back
A weapon I lack
Years pass on by
The world crumbles from his lies
I write what I see
Maybe one day I'll be free
Paper and pen
Again and again
Soon he'll be searching
I see the vultures perching
I hear him at my door
I can't hide any more
He draws his sword one last time
But I still lack mine
I pull out my pen that taught me so many lessons
Then I realize that has always been my weapon

Stuck in a cage
Feeling forever in rage
Its like I wear a collar
It grows ever so smaller
It chokes me and holds me
It won't leave me be
So many rules to follow and I can't get away
In this cage is where I must stay
Trying to ignore this troubling pain
Trying hard not to go insane
Hiding behind a fake smile
Hope I can keep it awhile
Silly things I can not do
And this is all because of you
I get to do so many things but I still don't feel free
All because with this cage and this collar you hold me

I open my mouth just to shut it tight
I don't know how ill get through the night
The pain I feel deep inside
This I know I cannot hide
Little food that I eat
Because this I can't defeat
I can talk but I'm misunderstood
To help myself I wish I could
I thought it was a gift but it's a curse
I thought it'd get better but it feels worse
I brush my teeth and spit this bitter taste out
I can't escape this without a doubt
I try to get rid of this pain
But I can't which is that plain
I taste the blood in my mouth
But I know I'll work it out

You've been here so long,
Now something has gone wrong.
You took me under your wing,
Now you cause so much suffering.
You used to have a heart of gold,
Now all I see is ice cold.
You scream and shout,
Now I can't block it out.
You throw things around,
Now crashing and banging is the only sound.
So many questions flow through my mind,
And answers I can't seem to find.
Why must you be so mad,
Even though youre supposed to be my dad.
Why after all I've gone through,
Must you continue to say "It's not me, It's you?"
Why after I lost trust in one father,
Must you make me start to lose another?
I want to feel safe in your arms,
But you've caused so much harm.
You were supposed to make me smile,
Not act so cruel and vile.
You were supposed to help me fly,
Not sad and scared and to cry.
You're supposed to stand by my side,
Now, I just want to hide.
To you I can't do anything right,
So it's hard to see the light.
Mom tries her best everyday,
But nothing seems to go her way.
Now I don't know,
Will you stay or go?
You may be tough,
But you're going through some stuff.
Wha you went through was scary,
And you changed after the military.
No matter what you go through,
Know the following is true:
There will be times both good and bad,
There will be times happy and sad,
And even though we both will get mad,
I will always love you and I'm glad,
That mom chose you to be my dad.

This is a story repeatedly told
And to be honest, its getting old
The story of my pain
And constantly feeling insane
I just want this book to close
And to escape life woes
But instead it turns page by page
As if each chapter is a cage
I grab an eraser to delete the past
But the memories flood back fast
Is instead I grab a pen to write some joy up ahead
But all the ink is dead
I slowly wait day by day
For it all to just fade away
I wish I could simply start anew
But that is something I could never do
I have done my best and tried
But I ended up wanting to hide
I hide behind a smile
And a certain choice in style
So I can remain behind these broken walls
Because I'd rather be fake than to fall

Time to say goodbye,
I just want to hide and die,
I'm done with the lies

Dear Brain,
Why do you fill my head with crazy thoughts,
Like the ones about pandas instead of cars in parking lots?
Why do you distract my sight from what I need to see,
To looking at a lizard on a tree?
Why do you control my mouth to talk nonstop,
Where I think my friends ears will pop?
Why do you make me listen to odd stuff,
Instead of what I need which makes life rough?
Please Brain, let me know,
What I need to do to make you go.
I want to control my self without ADHD,
But then I guess I wouldn't be me.
Dear Brain, I must ask,
Can you at least relax?
No, I guess thats ok,
At least you make me have fun everyday!

Not knowing why
But I always want to cry
With every breath
I crave my own death
I have no reason to feel this way
But my demons love to play
I have friends that I don’t deserve
I wish a positive thought I could preserve
I hide these feelings so well
But when alone tears start to swell
Faking a smile that never lasts
A girl with no future and no past
A girl with a broken family
A girl who just wants to be free
Wishing go to drown or hang
Because these thoughts my demons have sang
There is no meaning in this heart beating
So my life is ever fleeting
Living in constant heartbreak
Not sure if my life is just a mistake
Im walking through life with nowhere to go
But I’ll just say I’m going with the flow
Sometimes I think about self harm
So instead I scribble stars on my arms
Tgese thoughts creep in at night
But this battle is too hard to fight
Trying to run from my mind
But in this darkness I am blind
I wish someone would hear my plea
But I know no one will rescue a girl like me

I think about you day and night
But I try to stay out of sight
I try to forget you in I can
Because you broke my heart and ran
But I can’t get rid of these feelings for you
Its like the longer we were apart the more they grew
I thought I was over you but I guess I’m not
Its like these memories I hold you’ve forgot
I’ve tried to see different guys
But my heart was whispering lies
From you I can’t seem to move on
Even though our relationship is gone
I hate you for tearing me apart
But I love you because you still hold my heart
I can’t tell you how I feel inside
So from you I try to hide
Because I know you don’t feel the same
And I don’t want to feel the shame
Of you telling me I’m not your type and I’m dead weight
But I guess this is my fate
Sometimes I cannot sleep
Because memories are thoughts too deep
First love comes with first heartbreak
But around you a smile I will fake
You may think I’m trying to make you feel bad
But I’m just writing emotions of sad
A years gone by
But I still cry
These feelings just won’t go away
Maybe you could be mine once again someday