Early spring, 2017
with a concrete slab chained to my ankles
I jumped, 10ft underneath the ocean surface
water flooded around me, surrounded me
you watched, and waved me over to join you at the bottom, smile stretched across your face.
At first it felt warm, and comforting
but the deeper I fell, the colder it got.
The heavier the pressure began to weigh down on me.
At the bottom, I was greeted by sharp rocks in which began to dig into my sides. Wounding me deep inside
You? You were no where to be found.
All I had to do to free myself was swim
I had the key to release my chains.
But I was scared, too scared, to swim from you, or the memory of what you were.
Scared the wounds you left in me wouldn’t heal.
Scared the scars would stay and remind me always.
Remind me of how you infiltrated me, how you uses me to foster and test your anger.
And even after I broke away,
after I pulled every rigid piece you left buried deep inside me,
even after I freed myself of your intense pressure and removed my chains.
I can still feel you and hear you dragging and scraping behind me. The sound of rigid concrete sliding across the pavement.
Reminding me of my pain, my fear, and my anger.
My wounds may have healed,
the scars faded away.
But the way you butchered my heart,
butchered my mind, never really went away.
I no longer crave you, I think I hate you.
But no matter what I do, I can still feel you lingering, dragging, and scraping behind me.