I had a habit of just sitting down on the white plastic floor and letting my thoughts consume me.

Words filled my head like a flock of bats, others burrowed under my skin like ticks.

Others bore deep into my bones, hurting every piece of fat and worming through every tendon and muscle and….

I felt my head hit the back wall, my eyes snapped open.

TW!!!! - panic attack description

Pressing
Fearful
Panic-stricken
Terror
Paranoia
And shifting eyes
Scared of who- or what- might be around the corner
Not even daring to look out the window
Afraid you’re being watched
A crawling sensation on your skin
A dark feeling
Suffocating
Feeling a weight on your chest, like you can’t breathe
You’re scared
You want to run
You want to hide
You don't feel safe anywhere
They’re going to get you
They’re hunting you down
They know where you are.
You can’t hide
You can’t run
You’re going to die.

A bitter taste lingers on my tongue,
A metal flavor from the scarlet beads
From my split lip
Scabbed, broken knuckles bruise over and ache
A sinking feeling in your stomach
A numbness in your hands
And a chill that never goes away
Bundled up, layered coats
But still feeling like the wind blows right through you
Hopping over snow banks, lining entrances to sidewalks
And melting in your shoes
A tingling in your feet
Your flesh screaming red from the cold
Ears and cheeks rosy coloured
Hands aching from the cold metal
Swinging your feet back and forth
At the park, chains imprinting on your palms
Freeing
Rhythmic
Feeling like you’re flying,
If only for a moment

We continued to talk until midnight, when I got tired of social interaction with this particular person.
We said our goodbyes. I plugged in my laptop, shut it down and let my thoughts take over, like a wave of seawater spilling into the room, filling up the large empty space with aquamarine.

I floated off my bed, around my room, and towards the window. The world was pitch black. I narrowed my eyes, and sat on the floor as my loose clothing swirled  around me. I watched as bubbles came from my mouth, drifting to the surface of the warm blue .

I wanted my room painted blue. A very pigmented blue, to be exact. Blue calmed me down. I watch as my hair floats up and around my head. I laid on the ground, and let all the air from my lungs out.

My body was moving in slow-mo, all I had to think of was the warmth of the water around me. I closed my eyes, as my body sunk to the floor. I breathed in. The warmth flooded my lungs and my chest.

I let my mind wander. I let my thoughts take control behind my eyes and I sat and watched as scenes played through my head.

TW!! : Anxiety attack/panic


Panic hit me like a bus,
a weight suddenly dropped on my chest,
crushing my lungs and cracking my ribs.

I felt the tightness in my throat,
a sour taste in the back of my mouth
and I tried to breathe.
It felt like i had been punched in the throat,
my head started spinning.

My stomach twisted up into knots,
Sharp jabbing pain up my sides.
Nothing caused this.

Let me tell you what was happening when this happened.
Today, I was sitting in history class, 6th period.
It was 12:22 pm and I was writing about the Declaration of Independence.
I typed out the name “John Locke” as an answer to a question and then

All of a sudden my heart started racing.
My breath was trapped in my lungs, in my chest
beneath my bones that made up my wiry frame.

it felt like being hit by a crashing wave.
Like a thousand tons of ice cold water towered over me,
Only to swallow me and take the fleeting breath from my lungs.

TW!!- skin picking, sh, anxiety

4-12-21
My skin itches, the feeling of
A thousand needles dances across my skin
Bleeding from pits on my face
Where my nails dug too deep
Into my flesh
In an attempt to lessen this heavy feeling
Or at least ease it a little.
A constant worry, a pressing feeling, a weight
Like there's someone sitting on my chest at all times.  
It makes my breaths shallow
And my stomach grumble, twist and turn.
My head aches, making me dizzy
and tired.
I'm so worn out
From always feeling like this..

The sunset I watch alone,
from the roof of an abandoned building
The sky is painted with many different hues,
Bright red, crimson and scarlet
Orange like a bonfire’s flame
Yellow like sunflowers on a summer day
The horizon is brightly lit
But the darkening sky above it is deep navy blue
And violet with a hint of pink
And the grey and white clouds
Stand out against the mural of colours.

The sky is like a canvas,
colourful and yet empty
open space I look up into
wondering where it starts,
and where it ends
Wondering when I will be able to visit
that land above the clouds
hoping for a dream to visit me
In my final hours

Red signs
Red flags
Red doors and red cars lined up
Red hair, that's barely red
A red mug of cold tea
Red and black pants
Of a boy who never speaks
Red streaks in her hair
And red lines on his wrist
Red bricks
Of the buildings on market street
As to not catch fire as easily.
Red like a furnace, a fireplace, like glowing embers
Like stop signs and fire trucks

Fire alarms
And blood
That I imagine pooling from my arm
Onto everything
One continuous wave of red
Swallowing everything
Covering my clothes, my skin
The floor, the table, my hands
A stream of scarlet flowing from my nose,
A sharp pain growing from the spot I was hit
With a red gatorball
In gym class
Three years ago

You with your red eyes and
****** noses
that powder and those colds
red nails you trailed across my skin
blood beading up under a needle
you stuck in me
a piercing pain
a throbbing pain
growing from the rubbed raw spot on my skin
where you touch me too many times

I have all but forgotten you
with your shifting eyes
and silver tongue
telling a million lies
attempting to find a truth.

A light powdering of snow
White contrasting with the black
Skeletons of the trees against the hill
A untouched field of snow
No footprints or sign of life
Just me
Laying on the powdery snow
Cold against skin
Bare flesh
Reddened
Biting
Stinging
Cold
My chest feels heavy
The rush of the moment
Adrenaline fueled brain
Time seeming to slow
As my breath comes out in shallow puffs
Mist fills the air around me
Hot breath
Against cold air
Clashing
Contrasting
The warm on my cheeks and lips from my scarlet blood
The warm leaking from my eyes
Running down my face
Tears warm on chilled skin
Sweat beading on my palms
My hands sticky with red
Warm
Tingling
Shaking
Pulling the blade out
Standing
Scared
Terror coursing through my veins
And yet
Fearless
Hot
Energized
I run
I can catch him
I can fight
I haven’t lost yet
They surround me
Laughing,
Grinning
Evil smiles
Sadistic
Powerful blows
One after another
Metal comes in contact with flesh, muscle, bone
Snap
Broken
Bruised
Pain
I fall
A whoosh
Metal and silvery
Baseball bat flying at my face,
My eyes widen and shut just
At the last moment
My chest explodes
With hot breath
A scream
As the dark comes and hits me
Spikes of pain
Shooting up my side
All over
Pain
Pain
Pain
I feel sick
It's overwhelming
My head spins
Gut wrenching
On my knees
I cough
And blood splatters onto the snow
The cold
White
Pure
Untouched snow
Of the football field around me
Accented with red and black
Contrasting
It's dark
It's so dark
It's cold
The warm seeping out of my body
Out of my nose and chest and eyes
Evaporating
Into the cold around me
Pressing
Stinging
I lay on my back
In the dark
In the cold
Relishing every breath
Replaying every moment
My mind spins and spins and
The exhilaration
I grin wildly
I laugh
They’re already gone
They’ve been gone
When I first felt the spikes of pain
From the silvery blade in my side
From the blood and bruises
And the broken bones
Crushed fingers under shoes
And broken nose
Arms broken by a baseball bat
Rib cracked
Steel-toed boots..
The rush the pain the warm the cold
The contrast
It was fast
It was painful
Blood and sweat
And fear
The most I’ve felt in forever.

I grin their evil grin.

I loved it.

Black birds
A flock of them
Small birds
Looking like a collection of airborne dots
Black track
Black trucks in the parking lot
A black sweater on the back of a chair
Long black hair of a girl
diagonal from me
Black roads
Black chairs
Black masks and black hoodies
Crows with midnight feathers
Flying over the town and under the stars

As if a dream
I live in this false reality
I have created in my mind
In attempt to escape your prowling eyes
and the disease
of the earth
called humans

I keep in my own little world
a complex, and delicately woven reality,
strung between the insides of my skull
Where i spend my time
bidding, until it's safe to exist outside.

I never believed in love
Until I met you
I was always skeptical
Of meeting someone
And just falling for them at first sight
I never expected it
I have things about you embedded in my memory
I have your voice, the things you say
Playing through my mind
I never thought I would feel things
Like warmth
Or that I would miss someone’s touch
When so often I flinch away from others’
I never thought I could love someone
Or be loved
Until I met you.

A white bird
White hills
White ground
White dusting the pine trees in the Dark Forest
on his hill
White on top of cars and trucks
White fog creeping down the sides of the hills
A vacant, white sky

All I do is hurt you
All I do is bleed
All I do is want you
But all I have is me

All I do is need you
But I really shouldn't be

All I do is miss you
But you're not missing me

Dark green
Pine trees
Clustered on the hill
Tall and surreal

Olive green eyes
And an olive green hoodie
A trench coat a size too big
Chilly house and
Stained glass windows
Carpeted stairs
Victorian style chairs
Sitting under a tree at the park
across from your house
Your arms wrapped around me
Watching the sun set

6 o’clock
When I ran down your street

This morning the sun reminded me of that house
Waking up at 4 am
The gold cutting through the clouds
The subtle breeze
The birds calling in the distance
The quiet, rhythmic sound of the waves
As the tide comes in
The crunch of the sand and small shells under my feet
The cool water around my ankles
The warm sun streaming through the window
The ache in my heart when I think of waking up in that room
Although it's winter in New York
When the sun was blurred by the foggy clouds this morning
It gave me a sense of longing for Summer
For Maine
For that house and the beach
For those sensations and that all-too familiar ache
The tide pulling at you
The chill of the water
The crashing of the waves
The serene and perfect-ness of it all.
I miss the beach.

Purple
Nail polish that's almost completely worn off
Purple marker
Hard to erase
Purple shoes
Not the entire shoe, just the laces
A magenta coloured car
Watercolour paint on students art work
Purple eyes and dragon scales
Notes passed in the back of class
After lunch
Dark curly haired teacher
Loud and energetic

Purple pen ink
Seeping into the cracks and uneven surface of my skin
Running down my arm
Like rainwater running off a roof,
Dripping into the gutter and
Flowing down into a stream
Bubbling, churning, crashing
Getting more and more violent as the rain continues it's relentless downpour.

What is love?
I think it's a feeling in your chest, a compulsive feeling
You have to say it, don't let the moment go to waste.
Let them know
Before you never get the chance again
Because you never know
When their line will end.
I think it's a warm feeling
Like that moment a mother holds her child for the first time
Like looking at someone and just loving everything about them.
When you feel safe, and at peace,
When they love you too
It's not something that makes you scared
Something that makes you hurt
Or something that makes you cry, or miss, or long
For something else
Have you ever felt love?

The water drops run down my face,
Into my hands as I watch the sky fall
Magnificent towers once stood
Now those tall guardians lay crumbled,
Whispers of the past

Vines creep up the side and over buildings, covering them like
A bright green blanket of intertwined leaves and stems
All vehicles are gone,
And not a person in sight,
Only me and the one I want to be with
The last two people on earth

Happy with no one to interrupt
Our serene peace and
Time spent together feels like eternity.
The burning in my chest makes my heart hurt but
I continue to long for the embrace

Roots
Leaves, branches
Tall trees stretching to the sky
Shadows cast onto the field
Where we would lay,
Tracing the patterns in the stars
Chains of silver and gold
Flowers I would weave into a crown
Or just simply tuck behind your ear
I remember holding your hand
Cold metal from
Rings that gleam
In the dim light

Yellow
Like the walls of the chemistry lab
Like the wood of the cabinets,
The floor,
The legs of the tables
And the bricks
Of the school building, in the courtyard
Out the window
Like buttercups in the spring by sides of roads and
Like my mother’s yellow dress at the beach
Like daffodils at the supermarket
Like gold chains and figures of jesus
Like sunflowers along the road
And the flash of light off a koi’s scaly tail

Like the light in children's eyes
Like the moment of the last goodbye
Like the last thing you ever see
Like the last time you thought of me.

Feathered eyelashes
And sharp eyebrows
A scar above your eye
I miss your touch
I miss your subtle language
In the way you moved
In the way you laid your head on my chest
The beating of your heart
Pressing against my body
Warm, comforting
Melting warmness that made me drowsy.

My hands are bare, cold
The edges of my hoodie sleeves only barely drape over my wrists
As I sit in this mind-numbing room
Chills in the air
My knuckles are reddened by the cold
And not even looking out the window
To my right
Could help me feel better
Or even more at peace