It’s this bittersweet ending
The time I’ll never miss
After she’s closed the door
You inhale the pure bliss
Make yourself some dinner
**** it and take a ****
Finally freedom at last!
I’m laying down for a bit
The mind starts to wander
Frustration melts away
When colors should be so clean
Stuck in the scale of grey
It’s not what she felt
Familiarities at play
Hearts do funny things
When the mind knows pain
I wanna be the consoler
But I don’t know that I can hide
All this guilt I feel
I know it’s bottled up inside
From everyone I’ve lost
To everything I’ve let slide
To all of those I’ve wronged
To the ones cast aside
It’s not that you didn’t matter
What mattered was the time
Not for us, but for myself
And I know that’s the crime
But I’ve wanted for too long
Felt too short to even try
I wanted to hear those words
Of encouragement deep inside
I’ve lived so others could
So I couldn’t for myself

You wanted a perch to mount on
So here, I made you a shelf
Put it on someone else’s wall
Be somebody else’s elf

I question myself for malicious intent
Unknowingly waking the demon again
Fear I've ignored, and wants I've suppressed
I'm stuck in this world, not knowing what's left

It's hard to imagine I'm being unjust
Desires accommodate more than blind lust
I'm all that I am, not all that I was
I'm losing my mind, myself in mistrust


This is my art
I've failed to keep sharp
My tongue has been seized
Thoughts, gone dark
Holding the pen
I'm dying to know
When it starts to flow
What will it show
All I want to do is ******* sleep
Questioning my every move
Avoiding the truth
I'm trapped
Victims of insecurities
Neither awake or asleep
I can't just exist
Gotta persist
Outpace the demons
Avoiding the mist
Storms of hatred
Behind a calm breeze
I forgot how to swim
And I feel lost at sea
Alone in my battles
I carry the war
From behind the shadows
To my front door
Searching for rest
I find nothing more
Than self afflicted torture
And a yearning for more
The sand I lost count of
In trying to find
Some peace and a pillow
behind enemy lines
I thought I could conquer
And carry the reigns
To a land I once knew
Far beyond the plains
Guiding lights off
No stars to follow
I listen for whispers
From out of the hollow
They sound like my own
So callous and shallow
Guiding right up the steps
To my custom fit gallows


Is it me or is it them?

Tell me now, who is them?
An entire planet
Or a single man
But what about her
They are holding hands
If she likes you, he doesn’t
Well who the **** can
Change your disposition

Who are you?
Made up from friends
Made up from you
Made up from mom
Made up from crew
Made up of all the awesome people I speak to
And speak through in hopes I’ll hear those words reverberate through somebody’s speakers
Electrify your opposition
Only way to’s with glistening
Little voices cannot stop you
Boy you better be listening
Treat your head right
It’s not a bar fight
Dont push and shove
It’ll be alright
Don’t fret now
Man up
Use your type
Be it science
Be it words
Scream your way out
And let it hurt
Let it echo
Let it cry
It’s only for the night
The silence is what kills me
That cat had better purr
Too many times they’ve been quiet
I’ve expected that, is what’s worse
And not let it show what hurt me
Or even ask if it’s okay to feel this way
Better yet, not even acknowledge
That the struggle we feel is universal
******* this headspace
Open me up and take out the part
That forgot about you and all of your heart
I’ve grown so distant from everyone
Reserved in my madness

Make me beg
Make me hurt
Make me realize what you’re worth
Split me with your double edged tongue
And tell me it’s in vain, all for fun
Never own up to the pun, leave me broken
And on the run, tail between my legs
As I chase the setting sun

What is it that we fight for?
Who do we call when we want more?
When we feel like the broke ******
Soak up the laughter, give an encore
Repress and sneak out the back door
Do we accept it as fact, OR
consider the potential that we abhor
The mundane, the day to day, the ******* questions
Along the way, try to answer, but only pray,
That someone gets it, I’m okay
What is it that made you feel this pain?
I only ask cause I’m the not the same,
But similar in some fashion
Try to fasten the loops
But the weights too much
The chairs on its side
And that chilling crunch
It begs the question
Of what you use as your crutch
What is it that holds you up?
Suspended so high
You can almost touch the sky
But someone questions why
Were you given the ability to fly
Is it something they should try
But the suns not so kind
They don’t have the right mind
Can’t see the eye to eye
They’re not ******* listening
They try to match the tone
To understand why you’re alone
With all these hands around you
Yet it feels like noones home
Your misguided, broken trust, and disheveled throne
Where’s your king at?
Announce and make my presence known
I see you peeking from the arrow slits
Think you’re slick, but I’m your favorite bit
From day one, you’ve been all over it
Soak me up, and be reborn again
This isn’t a kidnapping, it’s a stroll to the dark
Not for the heart, but that forever spark
For the light we seek, is wrapped up in the harsh
Realities we’ve lived, and ventures we’ve embarked
Not me and you, but You, and I
I see your pain, and hear your cries
And it triggers something inside
That says ‘don’t let them out of your sight’
I never was a fan of this ride
I never wanted to see your side
Never did I intend to have your soul take residence inside of mine
But here we are, so very far, down this rabbit hole
Of broken hearts, of bitter pain, and blind rage
******* let me out of this cage
I’m over the feeling of disdain
I see it coursing through your veins
And as much you want to cut me out
You’ll see me, forever, in those stains
I’ll be the chord playing on your reins
The wind directing your weathervane
And when you try to sleep at night
I’ll be the reason you’re still awake
He couldn’t hold a candle to this flame
But that’s okay
I, once, felt the same
Embodied in the senseless shame
I only wanted to cause pain
Sharp words, but I nicked my blade
Forever stuck, without my gain
I was nice, but now it’s so hard
My innocence wrapped up in this thick guard
I wanna breathe, but lungs have this heart
Weighing down so they can’t extend far
Feelings right, but left in this car
Cause the universe has a dark part
And it resides in my desire to impart
To channel the real, dimly lit spark
Directly to the center of your heart And watch it break you
For when we break
We can create
Tell yourself
That it’s just fate
But that’s a lie
This roads not paved
It’s as rough
As our hate
Make me feel
And make it real
So maybe then
I can conceal
My urge to take this world
And smash it underneath my heels
These aren’t the words I searched for
But I listen as they come forth
A voice inside of me that I’ve ignored
I feel the yearning to try and learn more
To understand what’s going on
And maybe what went wrong
Only then will I move on
But my love, it’s been too long
You’ve struck a nerve in this dark soul
Reverberate to break the stronghold
Use your picks, and nails to grab hold
Drive this stolen car, till it folds
And I’ll repay the favor, tenfold
If we make it out alive
Inhale the fumes of all we’ve destroyed
While you wear the face of someone so coy
Tune my heart to the sounds of your joy
I turn around, and it’s just a decoy
Oh, how I wanna break you from your convoy
You can’t bear to face the sun
You’d rather 180 and run
Fight for what you stand for
Down the barrel of a gun
It’s unloaded, but you wouldn’t know this
You’re too enamored in the lotus
Do re do, let’s toe to toe this
Break the chains that keep us hopeless
Let us channel the fear to focus
And make the stars envy our lux
You realize, I hope, it’s more than two *****
We are the same, it’s not just bad luck
We give and give until we shrivel up
Because we don’t understand what’s in us
It could be rage, it could be hate
It could be all the ******* pain
Could be the children that we once were
Still crying for the previous day
Hoping to find our way
Nothing could stop our fate
Short of you and that blade
And the need to segregate
Don’t make me carry you to the gates
Don’t force me to remember a date
I’ll take the words I want to write and ******* carve them into your face
The feeling that I crave
To shine the light on your grave
In which you premeditate
And watch you crumble and blow away

I say it like it’s easy
But the thought of it makes me queasy
No rungs on this ladder
I dug the hole but I’ve gotten fatter
Absorbing hearts to balance the sadness
I wish I knew how to navigate this madness
To the side I take my spoon, digging up, but I found you
Face to face, and heart to heart, I see you screaming but you’re mute
Cancelled out by roars that bleed right through
Myself and everything I do
You heard me through the storm
I’m trying to find my way back to you
Make me beg
Make me hurt
Make me realize what it’s worth
Don’t hold your thoughts as you reply
As they’re as bitter as your words
It’s not to yourself you serve
You can’t sell me an empty urn
I’ll set you aflame and watch you burn
And watch you rise and swallow the earth
The ashes as your beacon
As you treat the empty weekends
Back to the forever spark
As you embrace me as your deacon
But my powers start to weaken
As I approach my inner demons
Incorporated to the substrate
Try to navigate my love hate
But you can’t see what I can see
I live in pain, it’s a part of me
The disconnect, I’m trapped and free
Free to walk these looping streets
Dizzy from the surroundings
Of everything I’m forced to be
Gentle yet so callous
Venom fueled by malice
These words they pose a challenge
**** it, hand me the chalice

Your conflict could be explained
by the confusion in my brain
Intense desires I’ve had to tame
I never wanted this to be a game
I foresaw the amount of shame
The mountain of suicidal blame
I scream to see you there
Without any prior claim
I fear that my aim
And intentions aren’t the same
Formulate the words, but they’re taunted by the rain
There’s nothing more I crave
Than to fill an empty grave
Carry on, my dear
Nothing more to see here

May not be home
But it’s where I’ll go
Where the wind keeps howling on
Crying out to the birds and the stones
Ain’t it time that we roll these bones
Hear me calling out to you
Turn these lights down low
See the suns not out no more
But the moon holds us close
You keep calling and calling and calling
But the universe never replies
Calling out names of these people you read about
Literature selling you lies
Think for one second
Just try to exist, don’t forget that we still have time
To rewrite the books, but not about god
To be who you want, tonight
Maybe we’re special, but maybe we’re not
Maybe I’m hopeless, and maybe you’re lost
Maybe the wine you drank isn’t the wine
You want, but you got it for free so *******
It’s not about glamour, it’s about nobility
You to be you, and just to be real to me
Tonight, I’ll say it tonight
What the **** do you feel, what’s on your mind
How’s it going? You feeling alright?
You want a drink? Is everything fine?
Asking all them questions
Why’s it so upsetting
Oh, baby, you alright?
What the **** have I done
What did I do
Why isn’t everything going as smooth
It’s ky, but it’s fire and ice
What the **** did I say that wasn’t nice
Oh right it’s all in my mind
I’m steadily losing my ******* rights
To a disease
The internal kind
Maybe depression but I call it life
Hi, how are ya?
My names Keenan
I’m just the janitor, here, see me sweeping
The floors to the ******* ceiling
With your daughter, **** stuck in her *** pig squealing

I’m sorry, back to the rhymes
The yin and the yang, in and outs of life
Gnawing away at my heart and mind
Screaming I just can’t do right
Be perfectly honest
Be balanced and humble
But if you **** up
You’re going to crumble
Your character, it doesn’t flatter me
What the ***** going on, why you mad at me?
I don’t know what to do this time
Is somebody listening, hand me a sign
Oh not my own, it doesn’t feel kind
Sinister left handed crick in my spine
I think all the ******* time
With a bottle in one hand, a smoke in my right
Which vice, I cannot decide
Which one of you will be driving home tonight?

May not be home but it’s where I’ll go
Where the wind keeps howling on
Seeding the answers we didn’t ask for
Or gave nothing more than a thought
Who do I want to be
What do I want to need
Why is everything so ******* unclear to me
Tell me now
A frontal lobotomy
It feels like something is ripping inside of me

Take it out, take two, let’s start over
Maybe this time I’ll try to stay sober
Lower the voice, and make a choice
As a boy, didn’t your mother teach you
how to outwit this noise
I can’t sift through the words left on read
It fills my head up with dread
Turn to the music, just anything soothing
While I drive into the sunset

Top the speedo, I can’t leave me though
I can’t see through the fear and the **** smoke
Can’t keep the needles in green, no
Everybody, anybody, wanna give me hope
Embrace the anger, take back the rush
They’re not worthy of this much love
All of the shame, the guilt, the blame
You made me feel when I was me though

It’s not right, I shouldn’t fight
All the words I wasted on you
(While you were) just flexing your might
Telling me I’m wrong, with your god, and your flaws
I’d given everything I knew, to try to see your side
I can’t do anything right
You said it a thousand times
Off it already
Just hand me the shovel
The worms will eat good tonight

Desperation of something I longed for
Not knowing I walked through the wrong door
Crouched down in the corner, like a bunny
Locked with the eyes of a condor
Sharp inhale, and a blank stare
If I’m not ‘me’, then I’m not there
Gotta survive though, can’t fight fair
Quick jump, backflip from the blind hare

Out for blood, I can’t say it enough
You can think and pray that you’re tough
Fueled by the words you maliciously sent through
My veins, you cut off my pride for your luck
My thoughts are now clearing up
These seas, they’re not so rough
Little salty though, and a little cold
Better than the fake love from your fake home

Peeking through eyelids crusted shut
From the venom we sprayed before bed
I awake, I’m distressed, though I wish I was dead, beyond the doors lay a demon, her sundress in red, and the flames we abandoned for rest.
Burning embers line the floor, ashes asking for something pure, something more, than you wanted before, a riddle for every promise you ever forgot you made, and to answer, you have yourself, but I don’t know how to communicate.
I feel that I’m alive, and that invokes my questioning mind, but I feel that you feel and that reminds me to stay quiet sometimes, and what I feel scares me most nights, but it reminds me that we’re alive.
Through shadows we step, faith, a skipping stone for trust, giving our eyes time to adjust, for lust, bears the reigns, and all the pain, the rain couldn’t wash it all away, it’s unjust, we couldn’t have found ourselves, just, one more day.
To grow out of the idea, that flaws require make up, our broken shattered selfs, restricted thoughts, they can erupt, into bitter better belts, that help to hold that grin up, the times they go well, when I avoid my own hell.
Empty questioning of the unknown, entertain the thoughts you can’t show, but what about the ones that hit home, didn’t tell them, what would they know. We all have a story we want to share, but would never try if you didn’t care, can’t tell it if you’re not there, I’m here, you’re there, let’s meet somewhere.
To the lady in red you scared me so, I had planted seeds I couldn’t sow, lay all alone, my thoughts a drone, for you I pined, and to you I atone, but I must continue, on my own.