Your name popped up on my screen
And my heart did that thing

It's not a flutter or a stop
But it's something, I don't know what

Your name popped up on my screen
And I felt the air leave

I didn't stop breathing
Only thinking.

Your name popped up on my screen
And my heart did that thing.

You curled up on my bed
and watched me work.
You listened to my queries
and helped me discover new possibilities.

When things got tough or boring
you provided comfort and companionship.
And when I pushed you away,
you came right back.
When I needed someone
You were there to comfort me.
You were there to help me

And when you needed protection from monsters
I protected you.
Because you always protected me.
Because I feed you.

i can feel the edges getting soft again
my mind is growing dull and weak

i can feel it all creeping back to me
my heart has stopped working, permanently

i can feel their eyes all over me
my head is spinning

i can feel myself become dishonest again
my heart won't allow me to speak at all

i can feel the edges getting soft again
like it did way back when

i turn to the window
don't let them see you cry.
that's what grandma told you
and her mom before her.

don't let them know you've been hurt.
a cut is only as deep as you allow it to be.

and that's what's wrong
it's not another person
there's no one yelling at me
or calling me mean names

unless you count the voices in my head.
they talk and mumble and yell and scream and cry.
too many at once.
no distinct voice sticks out.

i shut down and you tell me to **** it up.
it'll get better.
a cut is only deep as you allow it to be.

that's where you're right.
but what if i want the cut to **** me?

I wish I was as deep as you
I wish I was as stylish as you
I wish you would be my friend
I wish you were better to me

I wish I wasn't so play pretend
I wish things weren't so cut and dry
I wish I could just make amends
I wish all the tears you cry

I wish they would go away
I wish I could just do something worthwhile.

I can feel the wedge being driven between us.
But here we are.
Still talking and laughing,
Pretending it doesn’t sting when we talk
About a future where we want separate things.

But you won’t let me go
And I’m too dumb to figure out how
To grab the keys
And free myself from this prison.

Like a monkey with a math problem
I continue to sit and stare
At a blank page and broken calculator.

i don't know.
i just don't.
it's not my
fault, no it's
not. you never
told me.

well, not outright.
but i thought
maybe after a
while we would
fall in love
and you'd stop
talking about going
away. get the
hint when i
would change the
subject.

but here i
am. wondering if
i should just
break things off
now, and save
my heart some
hurt.