“Hey, are you okay?” Someone asked me
I looked at them and smiled
“Yeah, Im fine.” I lied
“No you’re not. Tell me what’s wrong.” They told me
“Okay, fine then.
Im tired
Im tired of people making fun of me
Im tired of being in debt
Im tired of feeling like my friends don’t like me
Im tired of being in love with two people who seem to hate each other
Im tired of making ‘jokes’ and no one taking them seriously
Im tired of lying to people to seem okay
And finally, Im tired of living.”
That’s what I want to say
I want to tell someone the truth
I want someone to realize that Im lying
When I say that I’m fine
But instead of telling them all of that
Instead of telling them the truth
I just lie to them and tell them that I’m fine
And I insist that I’m fine
Until they drop the topic
Then they go and talk to someone else
Like they always do
Because unless I’m faking being happy
Why would anyone want yo actually talk to me
They don’t. That’s the problem
No one ever actually texts me
They only respond to me
And most don’t even do that
“No, Im fine, I promise.” I’d say
“Okay then.” They say, as they walk away to go talk to someone else

A lot of things can happen in a little time
A little amount of things can happen in a long time
All I gave myself was 7 minutes

I set a timer. 7 minutes left.
That’s it, 7 minutes

I clean my room in one
6 minutes left

I text everyone I love saying that I love them
Some answer
Some don’t
All they’ll see is that I’m offline anyways
5 minutes left

I leave my room and tell everyone I love them
They’re all confused but I’ve done it randomly before so they think nothing of it
4 minutes left

I go back to my room and open my computer. I type the entire time, notes to everyone
3 minutes left

I put it all into an email and schedule it to send in three minutes
2 minutes left

I get everything that I need, which is already in my room. I disassemble something
1 minute left

I lay down so that way I don’t fall and make a loud noise
The timer went off
I felt the blood pouring down my skin
I made sure that everyone knew it wasn’t their fault

I couldn’t handle things anymore
I grew tired
And now I get to relive my favorite moments of my life
In 7 minutes

You touched me
But not in anyway that any:

Grandfather should
Father should
Teacher should
Preacher should
Girlfriend should
Boyfriend should
Fiancé should

You touched me
But. It in any way
That anyone should

Why did you touch me
I didn’t want you too
I begged you not to
And I begged you to stop

Your words
Your touch
Your feelings

You still haunt me
You still hurt me
You still touch me

You’re not here
You can’t be here
You’re never going to be here

Stop haunting me
Stop hurting me
Stop touching me

I don’t know what’s wrong with me
I don’t know what’s wrong with me

One thing
Takes away character

Just like one person
Can change someone else’s character

He changed my character
He caused me to change

For better or for worse
I’m not exactly sure yet

I’m not how I used to be
And I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing

All I know is that I’m getting better
I’m slowly healing

I’m slowly forgetting his touch
His voice

I’m starting to go through the day
Without feeling his hands on me

His words are out of my mind
Most of them at least

But there’s one that sticks
One word that caused me to change drastically

‘Unlovable’
One simple word

Going back to earlier, when I said one thing could change a character
One word changed my character

I hate that he changed my character
I hate that he changed me

But I’m starting to get better
Even if I still think that I’m unlovable

Even if I still think that no one could live me
Even if I think that I’m worthless

Because he told me I was
He told me that no one would love me due to me being worthless

I’m slowly healing myself
I’m slowly fixing myself

I’m starting to think that I’m loved
Even if I’m only loved by myself

He told me that I was unlovable
He told me that I was worthless

I’m telling myself that I’m loved
I’m telling myself that I have worth

Even if it’s too myself
Even if I’m the only person who sees it

I can’t sleep
I can’t eat
I can’t function

I can’t sleep
I can’t eat
I can’t function

I can’t sleep
I’ve tried to sleep
I seem to only get 3 hours of sleep at most
I can’t sleep

I can’t eat
I can’t function

I can’t eat
I can’t function

I can’t eat
I’ve tried to eat
I seem to throw it up every time I try
I cant eat

I can’t function

I can’t function

I can’t function
I’ve tried to function
Every time I try, I seem to make someone happy, and someone upset with me at the same time
I can’t function

I can’t sleep
I can’t eat
I can’t function

I only seem to get 3 hours of sleep
I seem to puke every time I try to eat
I make someone happy while making someone else mad when I try to function

What can I do
How can I fix this
Who can I help

I can’t sleep
I can’t eat
I can’t function

Maybe I’m not fit in this world
Maybe I’m not fit in this part
Maybe I’m not fit in this life

No one wants me here
No one likes me here
No one cares if I’m here

Why don’t I leave? Since no one wants me here
Why do I like being here? Seeing as no one does
Why don’t I care if I’m here? I’ve tried to care, and I’m slowly giving up

I’m towards the end of my road
I’m towards the end of my path
I’m towards the end

I can’t sleep
I can’t eat
I can’t function

Im slowly giving up
Im giving up
I give up

I can’t say this to you
Mainly because I don’t know how

But I love you
And I hate you at the same time

I wish I didn’t love you
I wish we never met one another

Yet here we are
You became a big part of my life

Just know that
I hate you
And I love you at the same time

So why do I love you
If I hate you

Great fcking question
I can’t answer that

I met you
You were new and I was trying to train you
The first person I met through work

The only person I met through work

I was stressed
But being around you helped to calm me down

I can’t explain why
But that’s when I knew I liked you

I cried over you
Without my workmom even knowing why I was crying

Then we began talking
And your voice sounded like unheard angelic music

We hung out
You’re the first person I’ve had at my house that I’ve cried in front of

I never cry in front of people
Hardly in front of my own family

I don’t even know why I started crying
But the moment I did
You wiped my tears away and kissed my forehead

Affection..something that I didn’t get a lot of
But you had no problem showing me that you liked me back

And then we kept talking
And talking
And talking

I don’t know why I never asked you out officially
Because our entire situation confused me

We were only ever ‘talking’
Until we weren’t
Exactly one year later

You met someone
Someone who gave you something I couldn’t

Now I’m 18
And you’re turning 23 this year

And I’m still in love with you
And you’re in love with another

But that’s okay
I’m happy that you’re happy

That’s all I’ve ever wanted
Was for you to be happy
Even if it wasn’t with me

So fck you
But also
I love you

Whenever I’m with you
I feel like I’m home
I can’t explain it
I wish I could

Whenever I talk to you
I feel like I’m safe
Even if you’re not here
I wish I could understand

I don’t know why
I don’t know what’s happening
I don’t know
What makes you different

I can’t say this about everyone
I couldn’t say this about anyone
Until now
Now it can be said

I wish I could explain
I wish I could understand
What makes you different

I’ve been asking myself
The same question
Since we met

I don’t understand
I can’t explain
How are you different

Maybe if I ask you
Maybe you could explain
Maybe you could help me understand

Bt you can’t
I know you can’t
But I wish you could

This is up to me
I need to figure it out

I don’t know when I will
Or how I will

All I know
Is that you’re my home

You will forever be my home

And I love you for that

I love you
But do you say it back
No, you don’t
You just say “love you”
Love you
Love you
Love you
It would take 3 ‘love you’
To replace the I
It would take 21 characters
To replace 1
So is saying ‘love you’ actually easier?
Or was it just another one
Of your pathetic excuses

I’m so stupid
The chicken gets cooked until golden brown
But this isn’t about chicken
I’m so stupid
Pink and green are complementary colors
But this isn’t about colors
I’m so stupid
Me and my family will fight
But this isn’t about family

How could I ever believe
These things were true
How could a I ever believe
The lies you made me believe
I know you could never fall
For someone like me
But I believed you
When you said that you did

This isn’t about
Colors
Food
Or even family
This is about me and you
I know you could never even like me
Yet somehow
I’m in love with you

I know it’s wrong
It shouldn’t be
But I can’t help but feel
A sense of joy when we speak

I feel happy
When I hear your voice
I get a sense of relief
When I hear you call my name
But then again
You could never fall for someone like me

So I ask
How could I be so stupid
How could I believe the lies
The same ones you told her
You could never love me
And now, I don’t love you

Not all sadness shows
Not all sadness is obvious

Sometimes it’s through crying
Or suddenly going silent

Sometimes it’s making others laugh
Or making others cry

Some people ignore it
And some people get consumed by it

Some people survive sadness
And others get killed by it

Sometimes it’s caused by the ones you love
Or by complete strangers through a screen

Sometimes it’s not shown
As often as one may think

Some people live
And others die

I’m starting to be quiet more
And make others laugh

It’s caused by loved ones and strangers
Or it’s caused by neither and I just feel it

I’m starting to be consumed by the sadness
It’s starting to **** me

The sadness is slowly taking over
Know that it wasn’t shown

I love you
But do you really love me?
Or
Is there no I when you say it?

Do you say, “love you”?
Or
Do you say, “I love you”?
Theres a difference

One shows you mean it
The other shows you’re only saying it
Because I said it
First

Are we together?
Or
Are we just talking?
Theres a difference

One shows you’re committed
The next shows you still talk to others
One shows the I
One shows the L

Are we in a relationship?
Or are we in a situationship?
Trust me,
Theres a difference

One shows that you want me
For who I am
The other shows that you want me
For the thought of having me

So I ask again;
Do you say, “love you”?
Or
“I love you”?

I want to be okay
I want to be normal
I want to be loved

But I’m not
I’m not okay
I’m not normal
And I’m not loved

But that’s okay
It’s normal not to be normal
It’s okay not to be okay
It’s lovely not to be loved

I think

I don’t want to cut myself
I don’t want to feel bad
I don’t want to get worse mentally

But that’s fine
Its normal to cut myself
It’s okay to feel bad
It’s lovely to worsen my mentality

Its normal
Its okay
And its lovely

I’m normal
Okay
And lovely

I’m stuck in a loop
I have no way to escape
I don’t know what to do
In order to break the loop

I’m stuck in a loop
I can’t escape
I don’t know what to do
In order to break the loop

I’m stuck in a loop
When things seem to get better
I end up making them worse
I’m stuck in a loop

I can’t get better
I wish I could get better
I don’t know how to get better
How do I tell them?

How do I tell them that I still do it?
How do I tell them that I feel the need to do it
Whenever one set begins to leave
How do I explain that to them?

They need to know
They deserve to know
But I don’t know how to tell them
That I’m stuck in a loop