Friends? I tried but hate
And hurt and pain
Remain in the ashes of our life
That life we had!

I cannot have you in my life
You have her, the itch.
Moving on from us
For me needs total split

Yes I've blocked you
On all media
I need that space
Can't see your face
Leaping out from
Every nook of cyberspace

I was in danger of doing
Something really stupid
I messaged her
Then deleted

Stalking is not the best
Leave them be
Give them space
Back off, give it a rest

What now for me?
Who knows, but I can say
For sure it will be
Better being far away

Good luck you two
I'm sure that passion
and *****
Will see you through
Life's vicious turmoil

Dead not dead
Hiding in the shadows
She is not here
But forever present

Loved ones grieve
Making the most of what is left
Not knowing
No closure
Just empty hearts and full pockets

She wanted them
To have it all
To use her pennies
For brave futures

Sitting in a foreign café
Hoping no one recognises
Her guilt ridden face
Do they know her shady past,
The pain she caused,
Her innate selfishness?

Running away turned out
Not to be the freedom
She longed for
But one long hurt

For everyone

Silver hair coloured with light gold
Streaks across her face
Brightly patterned top
Cup of coffee poised in her hand
Suddenly the other bottled auburn
Howls a laugh that is infectious
They all start now

Laughing smiling reminiscing
How they enjoy their morning coffee
catch up in the store
Who cares who's looking on
They're friends from the 60s
How they enjoy their morning giggle
In the store

One goes to ***
They laugh again at middle age's
Hilarious outcomes
All are the same no judgements here

Enjoy your morning coffee
Catch up giggle
What a tonic to witness
All of your diversity
And fun

Unconditional
Emotional
Ignored
Strange

You never text back
I know you read them
I'm not drunk
It's ok to reply

You fell, you wet yourself
You cried
You lied
Still love
Forever

He loved you
He was part of you
We were friends
In the end

You know that he sees
What you have become
He would have been so proud
Like me

My boys
My love
My life

Love

Forever

Luck

Is it floating around us
Waiting to be picked up?
Maybe inside us
Stifled by life

They said 'you're lucky'
Did they know what days of suffering
Were being endured
What guilt
What shame
Neglected kids, no satisfaction
From what seemed like heaven

Now it's clear
Beer
Selfishness
Don't talk to me as if I'm stupid
Am I the clever one?
No
I'm the fool for letting it be that way
For not seeing
For not living
Just blind

Lucky? Me?
What do you think?
Do you judge me?
Bring it on. I am strong
He has made me strong
But weak, as weak as water
No luck.

Not for the likes of us

***

*** *** ***
Why do I bother
Always right
You know best
******

Why
Do I
Bother
What
Was
The use
Of my
Education

***
***
***
Shut your effin gob

Not very kind
You are blind
Always right

Talking *****

Stark hills and deep valleys
Career past as the road
Wends it's way from
Coast to coast

Anger announced
Loud and shrill
Left behind
On the auburn hills

The road winds on
Stop for scone
And coffee cup
But don't look back, look up

Onward onward
Halfway there
A painful memory
Leave it lying there

Among the broom,
The heather and the pines
Now you're free to see
What new joy your life defines

Purity, love, sobriety
Welcome them in
To your new society
Sordidness and pain
Are things left there
High up in the hills
Melting in the mountain rain

The strength within
Will shine all through
The darkest days ahead of you
Be strong, have faith
You are where only
Growth and love take place

All along you knew but kept
The secret buried deep
Inside your heart
Its cold hard walls
Making an icy prison
For that selfish horrible truth

She took the rap and did the time
You took the cash every time
Because you needed **** and *****
Your happiness the most important fact

Hell mend you and I hope you can
Forgive yourself for letting
Others do your crime
And put it all in place
For you to live your princely life
Without a backwards thought or glance
Towards the ones in your merry dance

You utter swine
You selfish oaf
I will never run out
Of vocabulary
I will run out of your life
Shrieking and yelling
And telling the world
How you have evil
Residing in your sordid
Tainted pointless life

I feel alone
Distance is my existence
Why can't I get close
And feel warm and safe
Why do I shun
The 'one'

Evenings of silence
Nights of avoidance
The shudder of a touch
In the morning
Too much

Nothing's enough
What do I want
From this life event
Til death do us part
When?

Maybe soon
Maybe in 30 years
I cannot die
The boys, my boys
True love

Should I go
Can I leave
Him all alone
With only beer
And gambling

I will decide
When it is right
To bring it to an end
For once and all
Goodnight

This time

What have these years been
To me and you?
A dream, a fog, a drunken haze?
You tell me

Many hours wasted
Fighting that square peg
It never seems to fit
Or maybe it's just me

How many times
Have I been this close
To being honest
And true to myself?

Why stop
Give in
Another fatuous
Rapprochement

Not this time
Be strong
Be true
Space, time

Contentment

Freedom

Peace

Somewhere deep within me
Lies a strength I never knew
It's dormant power
Cooking up its hearty brew

One day a tantrum wakes it up
A what? You say
That's right, a grown man
Throwing food around
Leaving me aghast
With no appetite

No appetite for this nice meal
Nor for his drunken sorry
I have no words
My mind is frozen
Leave me be, do not come near me
Your touch and your approach are
Dead to me. It's over
Finally

Excitement building
Forbidden pleasures awaiting
Them as they find the place
Where others chase
A perfect culmination
Of secret conjugation

They sit at table
Opposite strangers
Not much longer
Until the realisation
Of his imagination
A fantasy long held

That 'kangaroo', that safe word reaches up
Through her throat
And into her mouth
But fear of rejection
Of being a disappointment
Halts its outward spill

Say it! Say it!
Don't let it slip away
You hate this
It's his wild dream
That's turning into
Your recurring nightmare

It's over at last
And once again she recoils
From all the pain
The hurt, the shame
Please no more! Silently
Cries the reluctant *****

Years of memories
Of those dark days
His touch is tainted
By the touch of others
Love, never the same
For them, for her

Excitement destroyed
Their loving trusting
Passionate world
Reality failed to meet
Its fantastic goal
Only pain and shame survive