Life must be so much easier for those with a cold heart

I envy those who allow themselves to be loved
I don’t think I was born with that ability
I’m a closed book no matter how hard I try
Why can’t I just let you love me
Why do I prefer to be alone
Yet deep down I know
Part of me wants someone to hold
But loving doesn’t come easy for me
**** you solitude for bringing me comfort
I’m supposed to fight against you
Yet I crave you
But as I get older I fear that it will trap me
I fear that I will grow old never having been in love
I know that we all enter this earth alone
But I don’t wish to die alone

I just realized I haven’t shed a tear over you
How could that be
I’ve lost one of my best friends
I knew you were slipping away
And you knew too
Maybe it was the fact that we both saw it coming
Therefore, I  subconsciously began to heal my wounds of loosing you  
Or maybe it’s because we never were what I thought we were
I’ve never shared my biggest fears with you
Or had a meaningful talk
It went both ways
Looking back I realize you don’t know much about me
And I don’t know much about you
In fact you were no more than an acquaintance
You were so underserving  of the title I gave you  
So long old best friend
I wish you only the best for you
How could I not
I never wish negative on strangers

If I think about you too much
My eyes begin to water
The warm salty tears
Begin to roll down my face
If I block you from my memory
From my mind
I feel selfish
For I am attempting to forget you
Risking the loss of our memories
Yet saving me pain
I have only the fondest memories of you
Which is why it hurts so much to recall
That is when I simply rather
Turn the switch of my feelings off
So please forgive me
For not thinking of you every day
For putting the pictures of you
Far down in my drawer
The moments we shared in the back of my mind
It just hurts so much to remember you
To know those memories
will never be relived
that's all of you I’ll ever get

I could feel a set of eyes glaring through my windshield
I contemplated turning around to meet the owner of the wandering eyes
Now I don't know if I'm glad I did so
You were cute
Hazel eyes and dark black hair
A combination I had never seen before
Or maybe I had
It just looked better on you
Red lights always seem like an eternity
Only this one was an exception
And as the light shifted from red to green
We both pressed our weight onto the accelerator
Letting go of the brakes
But not of our interlocking eyes
Neither one of us seemed to want to let go
But I chuckled and turned away since It had to be done
I know I'll never see you again
It's the curse of living in a big city
But I can't help but wonder
If our eyes would have met somewhere else
Until next time or maybe never
Cute boy in the blue corvette

It’s hard to imagine
One day I’ll take my last breath
I’ll feel the sun on my skin one last time
Close my eyes
For them to never open back up

I once felt them in my bones
Now they’ve lingered to my soul
My muscles no longer ache
It’s my mind I now can’t control
It’s now the burning sensation in my chest
The sweatiness in my palms
Skin picking
Nail biting
Shakiness in my hands
I guess these are just the symptoms of getting old

If I were to die tonight
I’d exit without leaving a mark
No one would have ever known the real me
And it’s terrifying
How have I managed to fool everyone
I’ve gotten so good at it
I’ve even tricked myself

I can tell your story
With no tears rolling down my face
It’s a bitter sweet feeling

But what if time doesn’t come to heal my wounds?
Will they stay open forever?