A goodnights rest is a mystery

Maybe heaven is a goodnights rest
Because on this forsakenplanet I can't have  one good night of sleep
There's nothing that could forgive what I've seen
I think my eyes are asleep
But my mind motions to my heart wondering if this is who I strive to be?
And my heart just responds with another question
Like,  is this really Me?
And I can't help but think
Like I literally cannot help but think
I actually wish I could turn my brain off and sleep
But I am in way too deep
I've seen way too many things that one can't just unsee
So please forgive me
For not being as good as I could be
I wish my eyes could see some kinda hope or love that's out there
But I'm surrounded by dark and I can't help it but stare
Like look at what my eyes see ?
What could all these lies be
Let's Believe all of them and see how close to death we can be

I guess it's the Thought that counts
But your thoughts don't kiss like your lips do

And im sorry I told you no when you asked for a hug
But how am I supposed to hug you
How am I supposed to comfort you
When all I feel is fear
And you told me that I scare you
And that just scares me even more
I'm so fixated on the thought that I might lose you
I'm so displaced by the thought that I might choose to
I'm just kinda enraged that this is what I'm used to
Like how  big is this fear
Why did I expect her to be able to carry it ?
Why do I regret things that haven't even happened yet
Like I can play it all in my mind
I don't need a fortune teller to tell her she's going to get hurt... that's evident
And I don't need to beat around the bush because the bush just beat me

With this fear I can't feel free.

And the thing about being free is that it's never free
I have to give up this fear that made me, me
And I'm scared to DEATH cuz I can't see
Any form of hope cuz fear is surrounding me
Like this fear is in the ocean but I'll jump in the sea
Like calling it something different is supposed to help
I'm just not sure who you want me to be
So I just feel hopeless trapped in loneliness like I have no one to hold when this gets real.

Because fear became reality
And she was my gravity

But I act like I can still stand tall like a sadducee
I'm sad can't you see
If ONLY you could see what's inside of me
I just want someone to feel bad for me.

But I guess it's the thought that counts

Her smile was like the moon surrounded by darkness yet still shining through