Shadows
I met a girl at the subway station
Face as daring as a constellation
I talked to her free of the anxiety I’m used to
Like we are childhood friends remembering a better time

To talk to her is like singing the lyrics to your favorite song
Effortless as you can imagine
It is as if my insecurities have fled and been replaced with the confidence of a thousand men

She makes me feel warm and safe
As if I am enough
She is like a boulder tumbling down
Breaking down the walls I have put up to protect myself

Protect myself from the failures I have come to know
The failures with which I concern my sleepless nights and haunted dreams
The failure that have been with me on my darkest nights and perilous days

Am I to allow her to see the shadows with which I have allowed to control my life?
The fiery fear that has consumed me
Yet with every word she casts a beautiful spell
Letting light into hollowed heart

She has taken me to the chained gates of my soul
And is shaking on the bars
For her smile is what dreams are made of
More than a thousand luxury cars

If I open the gates,
Her love for me may cure my darkened soul
Be the faint candle in a dark room
Illuminating all that is around it

But what if she rejects my soul?
If it is too much for a soul even as pure as hers
How can I live knowing I ruined my chance at salvation?
My chance to find eternal love?

I heard a poet once say that “To become presence, means accepting the risk of absence”
Words that universally prove true
Yet have given me an unbearable sense of dread

I’ve studied Wilde to Morrison,
Hemingway to Lamar,
But none can capture me feelings
None can describe how terror is born from happiness

I lack the ability to communicate these feelings
Having to ignore them to maintain our relationship
Yet I feel we are drifting apart
As the currents of our lives pull us away

My inaction has resulted in my greatest fear
I have not burned the bridge
But instead let it fall apart
Too full of fear to do anything

I’ve allowed myself,
In fear and inaction
To become like a shadow
Existing in the background, letting life be as it is.