Grief is strange and unpredictable. I’ve experienced a lot of loss. I’ve witnessed a lot of loss. I have felt the regret of peoples choices which led them to grief. The never ending feeling of longing and missing someone so much words can’t even take its place. A yearning for a presence no longer tangible. A lost hope and never ending sadness. A black abyss of what ifs, and maybes. Of yesterday’s, today’s and the unfortunate tomorrow. Always out of reach, forever fleeting like the wind.

I have looked for happiness my whole life. I’ve hurt people looking for my happiness and I have brought others happiness in search of it. The one thing I am absolutely sure of, happiness is the only thing you can give to another without having it. Happiness is intangible, unable to be measured, and found in a place of ignorance.

There is a part of me that’s broken. And I can’t seem to find it. It’s locked in a box deep inside this body of mine. Unwilling to surface. It’s like a cinder block, pulling me down to the floor. I know it wants something more. All I want is to find the cure. Or maybe just a remedy that doesn’t rot me to the core. The unmistakable grief of something that’s beneath a cloak I can’t revoke. A memory lost in my mind, that takes away my time. Self loathing only happens when I’m home. And I’m not sure why. Perhaps it’s because I feel the most guilt in this house. Of what I should have been. Of what I could of been. Of what I want to be, but can’t seem to find the strength to become. I’m stuck in this rut, that’s become a massive hole. And there seems to be no end, nor is there any light in sight. I know what I have to do, I just can’t seem to do it. There’s so much I should let go of, but I don’t know who I’ll be if I do. I’ve lived with this box for so long, what’ll happen when it’s gone? I think I’m afraid to change things because I’ll have to leave behind people who I’ve leaned on for so long. And perhaps they’re not where I belong. In my mind I think I know that, but I’ve never had many people so I’m afraid to let the few I do have go. It all got ****** up so long ago. I can’t even pin point the start of it. I’m not sure it would matter if I could. What would it change? If anything at all? I know I can change. Sometimes you just have to jump I guess. I’ll never know if I don’t try. And I’m not getting any younger. I can commit to destroying myself, but I can’t commit to saving myself.

Every day has been eternity,
Yet every year has been a moment.
The created memories just a glimpse,
that pass by from time to time
Have led us to here.
Us, we, me
Shall we say
Haven’t accepted here.
We aren’t sure what here was supposed to look like
But it doesn’t look bad.
Unless you’re standing right in the middle.
The middle of here,
The middle of there,
Getting lost in the here nor there.
The lost memories,
Of all that was,
And all that was to be.
How can we overcome?
The sorrow,
The regret,
The misplaced effort of repair.
And the darkest depths of despair.

I’ve spent so much time in the darkness
I’ve become ignorant to the beauty of light.
Spent so much time chasing the moon
I’ve forgotten there’s also a sun.
The moon has never taken from me
He has followed me my whole life,
he has been a constant.
The only thing I can count on some days.
He shows me that change is beautiful.
Without change I would cease to exist.
He taught me to love myself,
Even when I felt small.
To show up,
even if it was only for a little while.
He displays beauty and imperfection.
Glory and grace.
He’s sewn in my soul,
and him and I
will always have unfinished business.
Even after I’m long gone.

It makes me sad that there are so many people that don’t love who they are as humans. I’ve met so many good people in this world and they are all sad, all self loathing. I think that speaks volumes about our society today. How are we as humans, supposed to create a meaningful life when all society does is drags us to the deepest depths of ourselves? How are we supposed to show love and be the change when everything we see and hear tells us to settle. To be okay with being just okay. How are we supposed to live when we can’t even step outside our own door without feeling repugnance. How are we supposed to create a future that everyone talks about yet contradicts. How can we love ourselves when all society does is tells us we are not worthy. How have we come this far in technology, yet declined in our respect for humanity. I wish I could understand this. One day the earth will know peace, but no human will be around to witness it. We are self destructive and there is only so far in which you cannot return and in terror we have reached that point long ago.

It seeps through my skin,
settling in these bones.
The ache it creates,
The weight it makes,
The toll it takes.
My heavy heart
and unsettled soul,
long to remember
life before this woe.
Pondering to myself,
will the aching stop?
Will the weight become lighter?
Will the toll subside?
When will I find myself again?
How do I let go?
What will set me free?
Do I stop trying,
to fix all the broken things
inside of me?
Perhaps I can find a way,
to just be.