It's two in the morning,
The end of December.
I'm staring at the abyss that is my ceiling.
Pondering my own death,
Which I've been contemplating often
As of late,
Not in a suicidal or sadistic kind of way,
But rather,
The fear that comes with embarking
On that journey.
This chapter is coming to its finality
And not where I wanted it to end.
A cliffhanger of majestic proportions.
Tomorrow will be the last day for many,
The first for others.
I'm broken
Physically,
Spiritually,
Mentally.
I dream of a lady every now and then,
She always appears the same,
Resting on a wooden rocking chair,
The smell of pinewood fills the air,
A lady bug lands on her right index finger.
She stares back and smiles,
Sunlight reflects on her pupils.
Perhaps it is my grandmother,
Telling me she's in a better place.
I think I'm the lady bug searching for somewhere to rest.
I stare at nothing, and see my reflection.
At first there was nothing but darkness,
Then God said "Let there be light."
My wife turns on the bedside lamp,
Passes me a pillow and tells me good night.
Lights out once more.
My dog begins barking,
Or a noise between a bark and a whimper,
He does that often.
I caress his back and he grunts,
but at last, his nightmare is over.
I stare at the ceiling and the weight of the darkness is heavy on my eyes,
So I close them and ponder some more.

Because at the end of the chapter,
It wasn't what I did that I regret,
but the things I didn't do.

I never published my poems,
I never did get that promotion,
I never finished that model car,
I never completed that assignment,
I never hung that painting,
I never approached her,
I never spoke up when I should've,
I never learned to play the piano,
I never sang in a band,
I never picked up Italian,
I never fixed that window,
I never watched the entire trilogy,
I never told him I would miss him,
I never apologized,
I never pulled that trigger,
I never did shut my mouth,
I never liked Bob Dylan,
I never understood Cohen,
I never danced tango,
I never finished that bottle,
I never put it down,
I never became a nurse,
I never won at poker,
I never did half of the things I wanted to do,
and I will never finish this poem.

No te culpo por lo que pasó entre nosotros.
Nuestro amor náufrago se había quedado varado en momentos vacíos.
Como páginas rasgadas en libros que compramos y nunca leímos,
los colocamos tan alto en libreros ahora cubiertos de polvo.
Las mismas canciones tristes suenan una y otra vez en el fondo de mis pensamientos,
pero no hay un acorde secreto que levante y encienda el fuego que una vez ardió tan brillantemente.
Llegó el invierno y con el se llevó el calor de tu cuerpo,
la luz de mis ojos,
el sabor de tus labios,
el mismo aliento de mis pulmones,
y hasta el sonido que produce tu boca cuando me dices
"Te amo."
Las estaciones cambiaron,
y la primavera llegó sin sus flores de cerezo.
Los barcos que contenían nuestras esperanzas zarparon,
mientras todavía estábamos a kilómetros de darnos cuenta de lo lejos que estábamos.
No queda nada,
mas que el silencio ensordecedor de nosotros,
cara a cara,
sin nada que decir,
Solo el recuerdo de nuestro amor caído,
lo que una vez fue, lo que pudo haber sido.
Tú y yo, no más.

I don't blame you for what happened between us.
Our castaway love had become stranded in empty moments,
where silence rang louder than the echoes of us,
torn pages in books, we bought in garage sells,
but never read, and placed so highly upon bookshelves,
Now covered in dust.
The same sad songs play over and over in the back of my thoughts,
but there's no secret chord that will lift up and ignite the fire that once burned so brightly.
Winter came and with her she took the warmth of your body,
the light in my eyes,
the taste of your lips,
the very breath from my lungs,
and the memory of the sound your mouth makes when you'd tell me
"I love you."
The seasons changed,
and spring came without her cherry blossoms.
The vessels that contained our hopes sailed away,
while we were still miles from realizing how far apart we were.
There's nothing left,
but the deafening silence of us,
face to face,
your ever loving eyes now filled
with tears and the memory of our fallen love,
what once was, what could've been.
you and I, no more.