I feel it slip over me and pull me down, the weight of their expectations and judgments about me surround.
Have you walked it? this path that i tread, have you carried this load or caught the tears that i bled?
Hurt echos in constant waves off the walls
of my mental masterpiece mess of glass lined halls.
The panes shake and they tremble and violently quake. I breathe deep and reach out to steady before they break.
Reflections of days past and windows to my soul. Are they protective walls or a cage what is the goal.
One wrong move and i will be covered in shards of glass. The jagged edges slicing me open as i try to pass.
Tip toe and take a steady breath walk away and shut the door no time to deal with shattered messes on the floor.

Heart ache like sandpaper slowly eroding away giving up whats left of me day by day.
Memories of people and places i once knew fading, as the flow of life keeps erasing and
re-shading.
Who was i and who were they? What will be left when everything fades away?
Some people gone and some just pushed out of reach, makes me want to build a wall that you cant breach.
The ache of loss can drive you insane. Loss of others, of yourself , of hope… its hard to maintain.
Weak and weary from the push and pull. Feeling desperate to see something meaningful.
Pouring myself out like water on the ground. Feeling absorbed and not profound.
Asking myself  why? what is it all for? Trying to be less and then trying to be more.
Life is a vapor a whisper of smoke. We try to make it more and then we choke.

When your broken by the blow, and the jagged edges of despair cause the wounds to grow.

When the crystal hits the pavement and you can’t even imagine what the pile of glass used to be. When the tears flow so freely and last so long that its hard to see.

When your heart is so heavy it’s beating you to death from the inside. When you cant organize your thoughts no matter how hard you have tried.

When it feels like everything you thought you knew was just a lie. And you are unsure of whether to start over or say goodbye.

At that place between hard and desperate when your cheeks are wet from the tears without respite.

I Turn to the one who knows us to our very core who knit us together and desires for our pain to be no more!

I Gaze upon his Mercy his forgiveness his Grace, his unimaginable love as I see his blood and tear stained face!

He knew hurt, and suffering, rejection, and pain. Endured hardships and displayed self sacrifice again and again.

So in the midst of my grief and chaos without cease. I can run to him and find mercy and peace.

When my heart spoke in a whisper the world was so loud.  I didn’t hear her talking over the roar of the crowd.
She tried so hard to tell me what i needed to know. But i held on so tightly to where i thought i should go.
When my heart spoke a little louder i beat her back. Surely her words true wisdom did lack.
But no, she knew better than i ever thought, her instinct was to protect from the perils wrought.
When my heart began to scream i pushed on in robotic motion. Just keep moving ebb and flow like the tides of the ocean.
She was so loud but i was so so lost, forgive me i had no idea of the cost.
When my heart began to sob her voice in so much pain,  memories and hurt mingling together like cold and rain.
She grew cold, froze in the ice of loss and regret. And stood shivering still her words unmet.
When my heart grew silent, and i felt numb
I realized i had not been deaf to her resounding thrum.
I heard but ignored her warnings and cries,
And instead trusted in my comfort and lies.

Pain in waves...
Lost inside...
Nowhere to turn to.
Nowhere to hide.
Desperate to make things better,
Unsure about how.
Where do i start?
What do i do now?
Children are a blessing,
But apparently i am doing it all wrong!
So much keeps coming....
And i am just not that strong!
Losing the fight to an ache that overtakes me.
I know the Lord provides.....
But right now i just cant see.