Pain in waves...
Lost inside...
Nowhere to turn to.
Nowhere to hide.
Desperate to make things better,
Unsure about how.
Where do i start?
What do i do now?
Children are a blessing,
But apparently i am doing it all wrong!
So much keeps coming....
And i am just not that strong!
Losing the fight to an ache that overtakes me.
I know the Lord provides.....
But right now i just cant see.

My heart is so heavy i can hardly breathe, just weighted down by the loss of things i haven’t had time to grieve.
Keep moving forward whatever you do don’t stop . Tuck this in, don’t think about that, juggle don’t drop.
Ignore the pain,  just cover and cloak, tell yourself a lie. With the truth you wont be able to cope.
Too much too much and then theres more.  More days than not just breathing is a chore.
In a world of brokenness and regret there seems to be so little compassion or respect.
Carrying more than i ever let show trying hard to learn to let go.
Don’t want  to be a burden, but i need a soft place to fall. Not asking for pity but answer my call.
Hope is fading and i am drowning, but i love you i am here keeps resounding.
Out of your own pain you hold me in mine, through your own darkness a light you shine.
Though you struggle you wont  leave me to drown. With love and a smile you straighten my crown.
Without these women where would i be? I have no words for what you mean to me.

Maybe you always were a rainbow but i could only see in single shades.
Pink or blue i labeled you, but baby you were a colorful parade.
You saw a kaleidoscope pattern a beautiful array.
you tried to share it with me but i didn’t know what to say.
In my own way i was blinded couldn’t see the flashes of light.
Had to shield my eyes the colors were to bright.
See baby i was taught to only see things through their filter.
When you tried to show me something different it left me off kilter.
Still i am learning and spinning  but i promise to try.
To see and appreciate your beautiful colors painting the sky!

Minutes turn to hours turn to days to months and then to years, its hard to take time to experience the joy when your drowning in the overwhelm and tears.
Checking off tasks only to add on a few that are new. Just when you get something figured out you realize you haven’t got a clue.
Feeling like a stupid kid still learning what its all about. Until you don’t recognize the aged worn face in the mirror eyeing you with doubt.
Caught in a time warp of what is old and what is new. Trying to wrap your head around it, see what is true.
Running on empty with no refuel anywhere in sight. Ask for a lift and it just becomes a huge argument over who’s wrong and who’s right!
I just want to release it all let some one else take control. But theres no one there to help carry the rising toll.
Feeling like I’m Alice trapped on the other side of the glass. Something forever chasing me feels like a heavy mass.
Longing to escape yet not to go back to what was before, please no more chaos i need peace to the depth of my core.
Riddles and faulty logic have kept me spinning and left me drained. My steps through this fog are heavy and pained.
I feel so lost in this place both chaotic and strange. Sending out a distress call but it seems i am out of range.
Clarity for a moment clear the poison from my brain but then comes the words that tell me I’m insane.
You are not lost,  this is where you should be. Quit trying to fight it it, just stay with me.

I feel depleted and there is nothing left. I look to you and there i find rest.
My heart is burdened and with fear and anxiety it churns. Sweet relief floods me as toward your grace and mercy my eye turns.
My body is battered, breaking by the war with this world. You draw me close tell me not within your own strength can you defeat the weapons which are hurled.
I am acting out of sorts not at all the daughter i long to be. But you hold tight never abandoning me.
I have hurt and disappointed you my eyes run with tears and my heart burns with shame. I want to hide away in fear but then you call my name.
Your sacrifice to cover, to wash me clean , to draw me to yourself, to free me from sins reign. You wont let me hide or stay crippled by shame, you remind me i am yours and your love for me remains.

When my heart spoke in a whisper the world was so loud.  I didn’t hear her talking over the roar of the crowd.
She tried so hard to tell me what i needed to know. But i held on so tightly to where i thought i should go.
When my heart spoke a little louder i beat her back. Surely her words true wisdom did lack.
But no, she knew better than i ever thought, her instinct was to protect from the perils wrought.
When my heart began to scream i pushed on in robotic motion. Just keep moving ebb and flow like the tides of the ocean.
She was so loud but i was so so lost, forgive me i had no idea of the cost.
When my heart began to sob her voice in so much pain,  memories and hurt mingling together like cold and rain.
She grew cold, froze in the ice of loss and regret. And stood shivering still her words unmet.
When my heart grew silent, and i felt numb
I realized i had not been deaf to her resounding thrum.
I heard but ignored her warnings and cries,
And instead trusted in my comfort and lies.

You look at me..... but stare right through me.
Predetermined opinions you think you know me.       But..... you don’t!

You act so well. Play your part to a T!
Hugs and kisses, you say you love me.
But..... you don’t!

Pretend to welcome, while doing everything you can to shut me out. So many lies i want to scream call them out!    But.... I don’t.

How many times have i tried? How many times have i cried? How many times do i bear the weight, while silently he hesitates??
I wish i could tell you, but.... I won’t.

Colors spinning! flashes of light!
So much chaos, is it day or is it night?
Broken hearted! wounded pride!
Still i must press forward cannot break my stride.
Staggering highs, and consuming lows!
The pendulum swing how far it goes!
Cannot resist! Cannot transform!
But i must keep pressing on!
Upside down, and inside out!
Supposed to have it all together,
But i am still trying to figure it out.
3 steps forward and 2 steps back.
again and again i cant keep track.
I feel outta control tossed like the waves pulled in the tides!
A definite direction, but not me who decides!

Living in a dreamworld. Living a little out of touch.
Lose myself in random dreams, that never really amount to much.
Wishing on a shooting star like a little child.
Searching for specific pages in my story only to realize they were misfiled...
Stolen away, lost somewhere, stumbling cannot find.
Searching for a place or person. I cannot remember, have i lost my mind.
Once upon a times and happily ever afters. Did  not teach us about broken dreams and unsolvable disasters!
All those big ideas where are they now?? When never land has faded and you’re a grown up somehow.
When your no longer a boy but still a little lost. When chasing all of those things has had a high cost.
Friends disappeared, loves have left you jaded. The energy and hope you once held has faded.
Barely a whisper but still your holding on, singing out your solo but the words are all wrong.
Isn’t this supposed to be the place for your redemptive arc, but no happily ever after appears and things look a little stark.
I don’t like this story, this sad woeful tale. I don’t want to be a character, think its time to bail!
Who is writing this narrative i angrily ask ?
But then in my hand i see the pen this is my task?

Heart ache like sandpaper slowly eroding away giving up whats left of me day by day.
Memories of people and places i once knew fading, as the flow of life keeps erasing and
re-shading.
Who was i and who were they? What will be left when everything fades away?
Some people gone and some just pushed out of reach, makes me want to build a wall that you cant breach.
The ache of loss can drive you insane. Loss of others, of yourself , of hope… its hard to maintain.
Weak and weary from the push and pull. Feeling desperate to see something meaningful.
Pouring myself out like water on the ground. Feeling absorbed and not profound.
Asking myself  why? what is it all for? Trying to be less and then trying to be more.
Life is a vapor a whisper of smoke. We try to make it more and then we choke.

Sometimes i can put on a mask keep it together. No need for an umbrella its just a little weather.
Meanwhile inside my brain its a cat 4 and i am holding on. But the storm is raging and my stability is almost gone.
100 miles an hour another gust and i am done. Down on my knees no where left to run.
My heart beat so loud a thrumming in my ears it’s deafening to me but no one else hears.
Lost in this headspace the mask is what wins completely i retreat to that space within.
Dont want to lose myself but theres no fighting this storm, just dont drown, hold out, feel, wait transform.
The light will fight push back the clouds and silence the voices screaming so loud.
It will warm me and mend the heartache
Keep holding on though you break.
The light will win dispel this storm, but in the pain and pressure i will transform.
Grow stronger and softer both together. What once was heavy now light as a feather.
What seeks to destroy erase me in full only makes me more alive more real in its push and pull.

In the midst of the silence grief has an echo,
A thrumming heartbeat of a pain that wont let go.
Every heart beat is as loud as a drum
no real noise just a resounding thrum.
Then things begin to swirl moving so fast, you are caught in a current the silence doesn’t last.
Everything around you is just so loud,
to much, chaos in the midst of the crowd.
All you want is to slip into quiet sleep
But when you finally can, the grief is too deep.
You welcome the silence, the lack of the crowd. But can not stay there because your head is too loud.
A new you emerges to make room for the pain.
Holding on to the memories, love remains.

Hurt like a river floods my soul!
Heaviness, emptiness, out of control.
So much pain i long to let it all go.
But then to sever connection i just don’t know.
My mind a whirlwind i cant even speak.
Hurt and betrayal i am nauseous and weak.
What do you do when everything’s broken.
When theres blood pouring from a wound thats open.
When the ones supposed to stitch you up caused the hole,
when the breath thats left burns jagged takes a toll.
You sit in judgment while your words extoll. So much for communication let pretense roll.
So much, so little, our words hit the air.
And once they’ve been uttered we are caught in their snare.
At least now i know where i stand…
Through the tears i see the direction of  dry land .
Do i swim forward or tread water and drown.
Seems simple but the answer is often profound.
My true north was a lie, a broken perception.
But i am ok now theres better reception.

Somebody come and hold me through this terrible ache.
One more stone, So much weight i think i might break.
Your hasty angry words hit me like a mac truck
But i am being disrespectful because your tone made me buck.
The things you say leave no room for positive thoughts.
That happy family photo with lies is wrought.
Your lazy, eat to much, stupid, lost.... but in the same breath why are you sad, isolating. You don’t get the cost!
In you i am supposed to trust to be able to lean, but more often than not i feel i have no supporting beam.
I am like a building with a shaky foundation being asked to hold the weight of a nation.
Then being mocked when i crumble and fall
For the weight of this world i was not prepared at all.
So i lash out at everything in anger and fear.
Cut myself, cry in silence, try to just disappear.
You look at me with scorn as i break
all the while ignoring this visible heart ache!

Faded colors, tattered edges, memories
Love, laughter, tears, no one sees
I cant get through the pages without weeping
Heart ache , grief, and love just seeping.
People and places lost or moved on.
I didn’t know then what it would mean when they were gone.
My family those moments taken for granted
Some gone, but all in Different directions planted.
My grandparents young and full of life what id give to hear their tales of love and strife.
My mama her sweet smile and warm tight embrace. What id give now to see her face.
One more Christmas all together. One more day in sunny weather.
To hear the voices, the laughter, the songs
They sang out and we sang along.
To walk through the frame with new eyes
Appreciate the moment before they said goodbye.
Just One more hug, just one more kiss.
But it wouldn’t be enough you i’d still miss.

Shimmering energy radiating from within, haven’t felt at ease since i don’t know when.
Cant organize my life though i have tried, my heads a mess my brain feels fried.
So tired i am running on caffeine and prayer.
“Yes, of course. I will be right there. “
Pulling petals, he loves me he loves me not.
Rolling the dice, ok lets give it a shot.
Always second guessing everything in life.
Wishing my daily existence didn’t have so much strife.
“Well you bring it on yourself you know?”
Just keep moving don’t let the hurt show.
Welcome to the challenge of who does more?
Who wanted less?  who is keeping score?
Kids in turmoil, yelling out anger and fears.
Hurt and insecurities seeping out in tears.
Don’t know how to fix this i feel insane, they are hurting i feel and see their pain.
So much anger, so much strife. This is not a good life.
Pretending all is ok just smile and nod say it’s fine. It works on all but those that know the truth behind that line.
Fragmented realities where will i wake up today in the illusion of bliss? or right into the fray?

My head is spinning, and i cant seem to stabilize.
I feel the constant pressure of stress that continues to rise.
So much to do but i am held captive by my fight or flight.
Frozen in place not sure which movement is right.
Feels like a heart attack this level of anxiety! Full force panic i don’t know how to break free!
From one task to another i coast through my day.
Nothing ever getting finished my failures on display!
I go to bed at night exhaustion overwhelming me,
but lie awake antagonized by the voices i cant break free!
Sleep does no good anyway when peace is what you need.
Ask myself if you believe the smile or enjoy watching me bleed?
Look in the mirror at my eyes then quickly look away.
When did the hollow grow so deep i fall down and pray!
God i am not sure i can take another lesson…
i feel blown apart lost with no direction..
I know growth is painful and change is hard…
But i feel so shattered nothing but a shard..
Where are you God?  Please don’t leave me in this place.
Sitting here afraid and hurting but seeking your face.

I am not your firm foundation on which you can build, I will crumble under the weight of expectations that go unfulfilled.
Don’t put me on a pedestal I don’t like Heights
I don’t want to try to Balance only to plummet, when I lose the fight.
I don’t want to be your hero i cant even save myself. I am not your happily ever after you cant pull me from a shelf!
I am not your therapist, though i will hold your hand.  we all have to do our own work in order to understand.
I don’t want to be your master, nor will i be your slave, but we can grow together help each other be brave.
I cannot be your everything it will tear us both down. I will walk beside you and straighten your crown.

I am so tired…. But Its not a lack of sleep. Its emotional, mental, physical the loss runs deep.
Standing on the edge of hope and hopeless choosing between blinding pain and numbness.
My head hurts, my stomach is twisted in knots. My body has a physical response  and i am not calling the shots.
Wish i could turn it off but the damage is done.
I have changed irrevocably from the battles lost and won.
Tiny fissures left open scream out and bleed. At best i slap on a bandaid ignoring the real need.
At times i stop and survey the path i am leaving of blood and tears. But i force myself forward in spite of the fears.
Just Keep moving ignore the pain, the alarms screaming survival is the game.
Dodging bullets, walking on eggshells, being a wall and a shield. Trying not to lose myself in the mass casualties on the field.
I feel the heavy pressure of walking this line. Burdened by a choice between true peace and everything is fine.
If only i was the only one who had to pay for my choices. But i bear the weight of those other helpless voices.

3 am and i cant sleep, the time of the creative when the words wont keep.
They wake me up as they dance through my head stories and poetry weave as i lay in bed.
I give in sit up to write a few lines down, before i know it lost in the flow i drown.
Morning comes all too soon and items of the day begin to consume.
As i go through the day taking care of the mundane, I am secretly writing narratives some would think i am insane.
When i am lost in a dark place i write until i find my way out. Let the words pour and empty as i cry and shout.
I may seem disconnected in a crowd but i am just overwhelmed because the voices are loud.
Don’t know how to turn the volume down just part of me i guess. But I’ve learned to make do more or less.
Have to be careful and remember though
Don’t push, keep pace, they don’t know.

When your broken by the blow, and the jagged edges of despair cause the wounds to grow.

When the crystal hits the pavement and you can’t even imagine what the pile of glass used to be. When the tears flow so freely and last so long that its hard to see.

When your heart is so heavy it’s beating you to death from the inside. When you cant organize your thoughts no matter how hard you have tried.

When it feels like everything you thought you knew was just a lie. And you are unsure of whether to start over or say goodbye.

At that place between hard and desperate when your cheeks are wet from the tears without respite.

I Turn to the one who knows us to our very core who knit us together and desires for our pain to be no more!

I Gaze upon his Mercy his forgiveness his Grace, his unimaginable love as I see his blood and tear stained face!

He knew hurt, and suffering, rejection, and pain. Endured hardships and displayed self sacrifice again and again.

So in the midst of my grief and chaos without cease. I can run to him and find mercy and peace.

Impatient and cranky, restless and raw.
Tired of waiting, and sick of the draw.
Waiting for help, waiting for change,
waiting for something in us to rearrange.
My mind too full to find any peace.
Thought after thought needs release.
I can not process all this mess
I can not hold it,  i just need less.
Needing help, a partner, a friend,
Someone on which i can depend.
Trying to trust that God has it all,
But finding that my faith is small.
I Let it go, but then i take it back
Unwilling to allow the line to slack
Stubborn and prideful, quiet and sad
Falling apart but pretending its not so bad.
Losing days in an endless wakeful sleep
Lost in the push and pull the hurt so deep.
How do i wake up and really release.
Make the heaviness begin to decrease.

This house is a ticking time bomb a powder keg about to blow. A family on the brink of destruction but no one seems to know.
To many variables for any one path to be right for all. So which ones survive, and which ones take the fall?
So much pressure I grapple with weight… make a choice make a call before it’s too late!
That ship has sailed there is no way to flee.
All exit ramps are a cascading detonations inside of me.
Why is it my decision, my choice, my weight to bear. Why am I the one caught in grief and guilts snare.
It doesn’t matter decisions were made a long time ago , but now I see the cracks starting to show.
Maybe they were there the whole time but invisible until I changed the view like a holographic image you can’t quite see through.
Trauma and triggers memories and fears. We all see it a little bit differently through the years.
This pain this grief I feel like it will break me. But I’ll take it all if it will set them free.

A different day the same refrain echos of bitterness loss and pain.
Heart in my throat i look at you i see the obstacles, but i don’t know how we make it through.
Head down keep going moving along. But now we are lost somewhere we don’t belong.
Your frustrated, and scared, and anger and bitterness reigns. I am sad, and overwhelmed and not sure of what remains.
What we need, want, believe so different it’s Pulling us apart. If we want to be together we need to restart.
Our lives in chaos, overwhelmed, and each doing things essentially on our own. So much has changed I am just not sure its in the same direction that we’ve grown
Cant go backwards or build on what is past. We need to start fresh if we want this to last.
Figure out if we have similar vision, goals, dreams. If they are compatible or are we ripping each other seam from seam?
It doesn’t mean ones wrong and the other one right. But if there is no compromise then every moment just continues to be a fight.

Here we are you and i neither happy both living a lie!
Bitter and angry the name of the game or wounded and resigned a repeating refrain.
Both feeling more and more stuck but no common ground so guess we’re out of luck
Both living our truths out of our wounded souls. Both left feeling like empty holes.
I take a step back try to sift through the glass
Tell myself this too shall pass.
But jagged edges leave wounds that fester and grow. And sooner or later the bleeding shows.
My heart is broken,  your hope is gone. But whats the choice so we keep going on.
You feel defeated, disrespected, and used. I feel lost, unwanted, and accused!
Yet here we are no choice stuck like gravity. But if we could break it would we really be free.
Could time apart heal and help us to grow
Maybe with therapy but we will never know.

You hurl words like daggers and the wounds are deep. Bitterness festering and the edges seep.
An infection so deadly and dark, the contrast between hope and reality is stark!
Anger and bitterness mixed with sarcasm and tone. Lead to the same, mixed with helplessness and feeling alone.
Back and forth until our home becomes a battle field. But we do more damage than we realize with the weapons we wield.
Death and decay of the relationships we desire . Heart, mind, and soul fall victim and the cost climbs higher.
Where does it stop? where does it end? How do we get the results we desire instead of what the weapons rend?
Lay down your weapons, they are not effective for this fight. You can only  overcome the darkness by working within the light.

Look into her eyes and you will find traces of things shes left behind.

Not always by choice people and things fall away, little pieces of her heart lost in the fray.

Gypsy soul and the heart of a child. forever in love with magic and adventure, free and wild.

She draws you in with the depth of her soul, so fiercely loyal and loving, but wounds have left a hole.

Scars on her heart but her compassion she will not lose based off of things that others choose.

She has Strength and beauty thats hard to measure, but the trueness within her is the real treasure.

A woman who looks at the world from a different point of view, seeing what could be instead of whats right in front of you.

Seeing the best in others and forgiving the rest! Loving them no need to pass a test.

She holds it together when the rest of us go insane. with warmth and reason she changes the refrain.

Diving in and the water is deep , ripples of pain away from me creep.
All around me the absence of sound, the weight and intensity is profound.
I blink my eyes try to clear the haze, questions bubble around me creating an unending maze.
No answers to help me through the confusion. The happiness i had dreamed only an illusion
Im living in a nightmare instead of my dream. And dealing with the staggering reality that no one is what they seem.
Every heartbeat an ache and a cry! pretending I’ve got it under control but its a lie!
The pain is staggering and it makes me sway
I drop to my knees and overwhelmed i pray.
Open my clenched fists help me let go…. the control i never had, cracks starting to show.
Relax my jaw, tension making it ache, all this heaviness away from me take.
Heal my heart from the heavy blows. I feel as though i am bleeding out but no one knows.

I feel it slip over me and pull me down, the weight of their expectations and judgments about me surround.
Have you walked it? this path that i tread, have you carried this load or caught the tears that i bled?
Hurt echos in constant waves off the walls
of my mental masterpiece mess of glass lined halls.
The panes shake and they tremble and violently quake. I breathe deep and reach out to steady before they break.
Reflections of days past and windows to my soul. Are they protective walls or a cage what is the goal.
One wrong move and i will be covered in shards of glass. The jagged edges slicing me open as i try to pass.
Tip toe and take a steady breath walk away and shut the door no time to deal with shattered messes on the floor.

What do you want?
What do you need?
What makes you happy?
What makes you bleed?
What is authentic, deep inside?
The truth behind the mask you try to hide.
What is the narrative to the images on replay?
That dance in your head at the end of the day.
How long have you lived in this crazy way?
Not honest with yourself just a part you play.
Day after day the same old dance.
Lost in the chaos, caught in a trance.
Until all at once something wakes you up!
everything has changed,
though you drink from the same cup.
What you thought was true barely even matters.
Remnants of what once was hang in tatters.
A new focus emerges from the fire and ash.
But you hardly feel the pain so awed by the flash.
Blinding, amazing, completely surreal!
But the shock wears off, the pain you can feel!
The tearing away of things that you don’t need.
Necessary, but It still hurts you still bleed.
Rebuilding starts with breaking.
I know He is good in-spite of the aching.
Remolding reshaping to someone i don’t recognize.
But i don’t care turn my face to the skies!

How do i find order in the chaos, quiet amidst the noise? When my world is crumbling how do I maintain poise?
Left or right? North or south? Control the words coming from my mouth.
You created me and know me to my core! Why cant i understand what i was created for?

Balance and momentum. Contentment and drive. Passion and purpose. what keeps us alive?
Confused and trembling on the precipice of change. But i cant see it i can only feel things beginning to rearrange.
Hold me guide me do not let me stumble and fall, if its not of you i do not  want it at all!

Baby girl born into a world of confusion, chaos, and anger. Your so small my precious one, I hope we can protect you from the danger.

Born of two cultures you did not get to choose will we help you build a bridge or create a ruse.

Can we help you find love and respect for both parts of who you are.  Or will we try to force you to fit our ideas and create a scar.

Your heart so tender, so ready to receive,
All the things we tell you to believe.

May our words and actions show you love, kindness, and Respect. May you become a woman of faith with a ripple effect.

Strong and brave,  loyal and true, a champion of those who are less fortunate than you.

A righter of wrongs, a voice of truth, and a heart of compassion. May wisdom and love be given you without ration.

Its so easy to be caught in the fear of everything that we may miss. Perhaps the Lord has placed you for such a time as this.

Laying awake because the worry wont cease,
Heartache inside on a steady increase.
No way to put into words the dread and anxiety, my constant companion in your society.
Cant have a conversation no matter how gentle or careful I try to be. So much rage and venom I fade under the intensity.
I am so overwhelmed and confused a jumbled mess. Find myself accepting less and less.
Less compassion and respect,  less love and affection. I See the shadows in my eyes as I stare at my reflection.
What are we doing? playing a warped game of pretend? One where nobody’s happy or ever wins I want it to end!
It starts with me the only place it can. I must face the things away from which I’ve ran.
On my own afraid but i have to learn to stand. Do it all for myself no looking back no longer expecting a hand.
Broken,bleeding, and bare, carrying more baggage than i want to share.
It does no good to ask myself how or why?
But i might need a moment to grieve to cry.

Salty air and sandy toes , amid sunshine and waves  relationships strengthen and grow!
Late night sweet kiddo snuggles, firelight dancing, laughter bubbles.
Friends turned family that love you through it all, hold your hand when you feel small.
Puppy kisses, under blue skies, sun kissed skin, time flies by!
Warmth seeps in healing my soul, easing my aches stitching me whole.
Sound of the waves soothe away, the world so loud troubles on replay.
Losing and finding pieces in the endless sway where water meets land and pretense washes away.

I feel it when it’s beginning sometimes slowly sometimes in a rush,
Never prepared as the walls break and then the gush.

Heart beat racing, out of breath, mind a blur.
I whisper we’re safe but my body does not concur.

Not even sure what started the fear and anxiety. But my skin is crawling and i can’t breathe.

Focus, connect with what is real. What can you see, hear, and feel?

Regulate your breathing, calm your heart, let the tremors subside hit pause then restart.

Too much sound, and Too much to take in.
One step at a time control is very thin.

My heart is still to fast but the day doesn’t stop. Like Holding a ball under water hoping it doesn’t pop.

The depth of my heart is tired, and my soul is flooded with grief and pain.
No where to run, no time to cry, just swallow and shove it down again.
Being in this constant state of confusion on high alert,
somedays we are your everything somedays your destruction, it becomes a blur.
You don’t want your freedom, but you don’t want me. You think you do, but you only want the version that’s make believe.
How many times have i sat on this porch swing to contemplate. But my head is so jumbled the thoughts i cant even separate.
My brain stuck somewhere between disassociation and trauma induced anxiety. Not sure how to shake loose, do I fight or do I flee?
some days I feel like I’m stuck on pause unable to be free. By the time, I finally decide will there be anything left of me?

I feel a little bit lost today, wandering through the passages of my mind i got stuck in an alley way.
I sat trembling staring at what i have left of you. Sweet Precious memories i don’t often sift through.
Because there i get caught in the aged sun faded edges of what we had. A lifetime of love moments, treasures, the good and the bad.
A million times i ache as i yearn for your comfort your advice. no need to pretend you knew the I’m fine lies.
What would you think, what would you say? Im so sorry i wasted so many of our days.
I wish i could hear your voice, feel one more warm embrace. See the unconditional love shining from your face.
I mourn the moments you should have shared. The grandchildren who should have known that much love and care.
Someone who always showed up, who loved you even when you were wrong. It doesn’t seem right that the days just keep moving along.
So here i sit surrounded by the memories and it makes me sway. I just feel a little bit lost today….

Who are you really? What are your dreams?
Is anything i thought as it seems?
I know your favorite color and your Birthday
And what you act like in a rage.
I know your favorite foods and your favorite drink
And how it feels when your anger makes me shrink.
I know your past the people and things that have made you, you.
And i know the chaos you and i have been through.
Hard work, compromise, forgiveness all part of what i expected.
But bitterness, resentment, constant anxiety, and being neglected?
The feeling that choosing us is tearing us both apart so far distanced from the boy and girl we were at the start.

Daily Poised on the brink of chaos and disaster. liven life in tears, love and laughter.

Wishin for sunshine again and again but you cant have the rainbow without a little rain.

Missing the feelings in the memories of yesterday, but forgetting the pain that made me sway.

Grass is always greener in someone else’s yard. But we cant see their struggle just our own view of hard.

Lost in our dreaming, reaching for what we hope to gain. Losing sight of the hand we could hold, relieve someone else’s pain.

Selfish and ambitious the world seems to glorify. But its not a good look, so ask yourself why?

If its so much better forever when… why are the ones that are there still striving then?

Find something deeper meaning in the mess. Learn, grow, give, love don’t settle for less.

Dance in the rain and bask in the sun. Be happy to just live and life becomes more fun.

The days flow by like water through an open drain, cant bask in the sunshine without a bit of rain.
Trying to slow down enjoy the moment before it becomes a memory, but often i am overwhelmed lost in the overloaded sensory.
Want to live with wisdom, and act in gratitude and love. But feeling a bit jaded, lost in the push and shove!
Somedays life just feels so very hard, and we can wind up feeling like we are the ones who we discard.
Somewhere in the process of growing older we often lock ourselves away and grow a little colder.
I refuse to give in to the ease of whats known,
Or live in fear of being stretched and grown.
I know i am being refined while standing in the fire. But the pain still makes me sway as the flames grow higher.

I go so long my mind and heart ******* in knots,
Remind me God of all the things i forgot!
You are my savior, my helper, my redeemer, my king
On you i can depend, give all the struggle, your praise i sing!
I don’t have to carry the weight of the world.
It’s not my job to volley all thats been hurled.
You see me where i am in the midst of the storm.
This chaos and anxiety does not have to be my norm.
You want me to give my heart completely to you. Trust your lead. Instead i am often lost in the thorns causing my soul to ache and bleed.
You say,”Cast your cares upon me, trust, release”. You flood my mind and heart with your comfort and peace.
Help me to keep this posture kneeling at your feet, trusting in your love no need to retreat.

Drip drip drip just one at a time but those drops add up and the water climbs.
I feel it coming cant lock it inside, the weight the heavy pressure the landslide.
The storm its raging just beneath, barely controlled no sign of relief.
So much baggage so I begin to bail, but with the rate it keeps coming i am going to fail.
I stuff and i stuff until theres no space. Try not to let it show just keep up the pace.
Drowning inside losing touch with reality. I am trying , But the waters so high i can barely see.
Praying for a way of rescue, or even a life raft.
But somehow it seems they all just sail past.
Your fault you didn’t reach out and grab hold
Why are you so weak you need to be bold.
But you don’t know the anchors tied to me.
Pulling me back under where you cant see.
Cut them all loose and swim away fast.
Its not that easy the connections are vast.

Life is messy constantly in motion, up and down like the swells of the ocean.
From happy to sad in the blink of an eye. From saying hello to kissing goodbye.
Characters weave in and out in a consistent flow. Some leave when you want them to stay and others stay when you wish they’d go!
Watching in slow motion like a spectator not a player, trying to decipher, unpack the chaos  layer by layer.
Figure out how to just live in peace and contentment, so tired of the fray and leftover resentment!
Want to be one way strong, faithful and kind. But my own brokenness has fractured my mind.
I act in a way i wish i would not, swore I would do better next time, but then i forgot.
Desire to be a loving example to all of mine, but i open my mouth and i am outta line!
How much longer will i sway in this messy balancing act set on replay?
Beyond time to quit this tightrope and jump down, find true balance with my feet on the ground

I choke on thickness of it as it rolls in. A dark black cloud full of regrets, ifs, whens, and thens.
It fills my eyes, my ears, my lungs. I cant see, hear, or breathe. I taste it on my tongue.
It shatters me from the inside out leaves me on the floor not knowing the way out.
Screaming, clawing, i will not just succumb.
Feel it, breathe it, just don’t let yourself go numb.
I thought i knew my triggers but i keep finding more. This is what happens when the body keeps the score.
It holds records of all the pain…. the tears, and fears; traces of them long after still remain.
I thought I knew you turns out i was wrong. You were someone else all along.
Thought i heard the Lords voice but i think it was mine. I wanted so badly to believe our love was divine.
You and i were not meant to be we have almost destroyed ourselves trying to force opposite polarities.
Bitterness and resentment grows within each our hearts. Poison slowly killing us from our innermost parts.
How long before we admit the ruse. Quit tearing each other apart so afraid to lose.

Every time i think I’ve hit the bottom there is another hole in the floor. Searching for my way out but i cant find the door.
Unstable and unsteady again and again i fall, i am worried when its over there will be nothing left at all.
Crumbling all around me so much that needs repair. Do i keep on  holding it together not giving into despair.
I long for peace like a desert longs for rain, but here i am falling through chaos and pain.
This grief so heavy rising is a chore. Half afraid of /half longing for the day i wont rise anymore.
Just the honest truth my insides feel like a battle torn waste, but on the outside i pull it all back put a smile on my face.
Like planting roses for a structure that has been condemned. Trying to protect something precious but not equipped to defend.
Living in this pattern of hold it together, cry out, crawl, and fall. Nothing that i do seems to matter at all.
Left wondering why i keep fighting when it seems to all end in a mess. I don’t want perfect i just don’t want Aching emptiness.

Time flows by like sand through a sieve.
The  hourglass doesn’t slow or forgive.
My heartbeat pounding in my ears,
next logical step drowned by my fears.
Hard to move forward when you seem frozen in place.
Teetering like a delicate sculpture ready to break.
Shaped by my past my present rips me apart. Choose a path…. But instead i graph and chart.
Which way is best, not painful, truthful no ruse, but the answers don’t line up and so my heart i  just confuse.
Perhaps looking for the path that carries no pain,
Is what is setting me off course making me insane?
It doesn’t really exist, it’s called apathy and going numb.
I don’t want to lose myself to the temptation, i wont succumb.
But what’s the alternative this constant uncertainty, pain, and grief.
Cycle on repeat no break or relief?
Worn out by the burden of carrying it all
pushed beyond capacity becoming small.
I’ve taught myself to be less to avoid the pain
rejection, irritation, anger, being called a drain.
Careful of who i let see more than just a shadow
Hiding behind the image they want to bestow.
I find myself longing to just break free.
Release the self made constraints holding me.

Crazy, jumbled, mixed up, mumbled
Lasting, loving, pushing, shoving
Bending, breaking, giving, taking
Fast, fleeting, rebuilding, bleeding
Truth, lies, failures, trys
How much longer in this way,
crazy narrative set on replay.
Between life and death our story will rise,
amidst our yearning calling out to the skies.  
Our heart so open as our journey begins,
Wandering and searching for where we fit in.
Place after place we try on some new clothes
Uncomfortable in our own skin so it goes.
But more and more we seem to find,
If we cover up we leave us behind.
So we decide to let little parts show,
But then they tear us to shreds tell us go!
So what then everything or nothing at all,
This leaves us scarred and feeling small.
We try and we fail learning as we go,
Trying to cover up not let the scars show.
Until at last we are done with the pretense,
Time to let being who we are commence.
Broken and bleeding on our knees we crawl,
Rebuilding ourselves no longer afraid to fall

Love is a game we like to play, not always sincere with the words we say.
We dance with another drawing each other in like cat and mouse we run away again.
I love you, you love me so anxious to achieve! But once you’re there do you believe?
The words you are saying, the words you hear coming from an immature heart to a deaf ear.
The thrill of the chase of all thats new. When it settles into routine leaves you seeking something true.
You begin to push and they to pull longing for that feeling a love so full.
You yearn and you burn When it begins but then find yourself tossing and turning as it ends.
You wake up one day, feeling scarred and broken, a little bled out from wounds that are open.
You begin to heal, to focus on you, determined to find things that are true.
Sick of the games you no longer wish to play. Only focusing on you and the ones who stay.
Who bring compassion and peace, who promote safety and joy. Not dallying with those who treat your heart like baggage or a toy.
No longer seeking a love that burns. You have the scars you want one that stands firm.
Where you support each other as you grow. The pace of it steady and slow.

Shes gone i think, The girl who used to be energetic and fun. She used to crave adventure but now shes always on the run.
The girl who dreamed, who believed in magic and happily ever after. Now she doesn’t dare try because it all ends in disaster.
The girl who was creative and not afraid to dance. Now cant bring herself to try to take a chance.
The girl who was strong and had her own way of being, now walking on eggshells forever retreating.
Heartbreak has left her in pieces barely holding it all together. Really not sure another blow she can weather.
Disappointed and disillusioned seeing the shadows and feeling the pain. Used to look for rainbows but now theres only rain.
Hope is fading and i feel so lost……
in the consequences of choices made when i didn’t know the cost.
Shes screaming inside me to not let go, but how much longer i can hold onto her i just dont know.

My heart beating so fast i am aching inside. Wanting to stand firm waring with wanting to hide.
Your angry and aggressive and feeling trapped. Your words and attitude hit me like I’ve been slapped.
I take a deep breath trying to stay calm
I set up boundaries to protect myself from harm.
I try to speak calmly stay neutral when i convey
Certain things when we communicate are not ok.
You don’t have to change or feel differently
But when those things happen it wont involve me.
I am learning how to stand up how to stand strong.
How to convey a problem without telling you your all wrong.
I don’t desire to control you, change you, or tell you what to do.
I cannot dictate what you feel and believe is true.
But i am also done hiding, I’m done buffering, or giving in. I wont make peace at my own peace’s expense again.
I wont participate in a conversation or action that feels unsafe or goes against what i believe!
I am no longer willing to participate in the chaos that makes my soul grieve