Colors spinning! flashes of light!
So much chaos, is it day or is it night?
Broken hearted! wounded pride!
Still i must press forward cannot break my stride.
Staggering highs, and consuming lows!
The pendulum swing how far it goes!
Cannot resist! Cannot transform!
But i must keep pressing on!
Upside down, and inside out!
Supposed to have it all together,
But i am still trying to figure it out.
3 steps forward and 2 steps back.
again and again i cant keep track.
I feel outta control tossed like the waves pulled in the tides!
A definite direction, but not me who decides!

Living in a dreamworld. Living a little out of touch.
Lose myself in random dreams, that never really amount to much.
Wishing on a shooting star like a little child.
Searching for specific pages in my story only to realize they were misfiled...
Stolen away, lost somewhere, stumbling cannot find.
Searching for a place or person. I cannot remember, have i lost my mind.
Once upon a times and happily ever afters. Did  not teach us about broken dreams and unsolvable disasters!
All those big ideas where are they now?? When never land has faded and you’re a grown up somehow.
When your no longer a boy but still a little lost. When chasing all of those things has had a high cost.
Friends disappeared, loves have left you jaded. The energy and hope you once held has faded.
Barely a whisper but still your holding on, singing out your solo but the words are all wrong.
Isn’t this supposed to be the place for your redemptive arc, but no happily ever after appears and things look a little stark.
I don’t like this story, this sad woeful tale. I don’t want to be a character, think its time to bail!
Who is writing this narrative i angrily ask ?
But then in my hand i see the pen this is my task?

Heart ache like sandpaper slowly eroding away giving up whats left of me day by day.
Memories of people and places i once knew fading, as the flow of life keeps erasing and
re-shading.
Who was i and who were they? What will be left when everything fades away?
Some people gone and some just pushed out of reach, makes me want to build a wall that you cant breach.
The ache of loss can drive you insane. Loss of others, of yourself , of hope… its hard to maintain.
Weak and weary from the push and pull. Feeling desperate to see something meaningful.
Pouring myself out like water on the ground. Feeling absorbed and not profound.
Asking myself  why? what is it all for? Trying to be less and then trying to be more.
Life is a vapor a whisper of smoke. We try to make it more and then we choke.

Sometimes i can put on a mask keep it together. No need for an umbrella its just a little weather.
Meanwhile inside my brain its a cat 4 and i am holding on. But the storm is raging and my stability is almost gone.
100 miles an hour another gust and i am done. Down on my knees no where left to run.
My heart beat so loud a thrumming in my ears it’s deafening to me but no one else hears.
Lost in this headspace the mask is what wins completely i retreat to that space within.
Dont want to lose myself but theres no fighting this storm, just dont drown, hold out, feel, wait transform.
The light will fight push back the clouds and silence the voices screaming so loud.
It will warm me and mend the heartache
Keep holding on though you break.
The light will win dispel this storm, but in the pain and pressure i will transform.
Grow stronger and softer both together. What once was heavy now light as a feather.
What seeks to destroy erase me in full only makes me more alive more real in its push and pull.

In the midst of the silence grief has an echo,
A thrumming heartbeat of a pain that wont let go.
Every heart beat is as loud as a drum
no real noise just a resounding thrum.
Then things begin to swirl moving so fast, you are caught in a current the silence doesn’t last.
Everything around you is just so loud,
to much, chaos in the midst of the crowd.
All you want is to slip into quiet sleep
But when you finally can, the grief is too deep.
You welcome the silence, the lack of the crowd. But can not stay there because your head is too loud.
A new you emerges to make room for the pain.
Holding on to the memories, love remains.

Hurt like a river floods my soul!
Heaviness, emptiness, out of control.
So much pain i long to let it all go.
But then to sever connection i just don’t know.
My mind a whirlwind i cant even speak.
Hurt and betrayal i am nauseous and weak.
What do you do when everything’s broken.
When theres blood pouring from a wound thats open.
When the ones supposed to stitch you up caused the hole,
when the breath thats left burns jagged takes a toll.
You sit in judgment while your words extoll. So much for communication let pretense roll.
So much, so little, our words hit the air.
And once they’ve been uttered we are caught in their snare.
At least now i know where i stand…
Through the tears i see the direction of  dry land .
Do i swim forward or tread water and drown.
Seems simple but the answer is often profound.
My true north was a lie, a broken perception.
But i am ok now theres better reception.

Somebody come and hold me through this terrible ache.
One more stone, So much weight i think i might break.
Your hasty angry words hit me like a mac truck
But i am being disrespectful because your tone made me buck.
The things you say leave no room for positive thoughts.
That happy family photo with lies is wrought.
Your lazy, eat to much, stupid, lost.... but in the same breath why are you sad, isolating. You don’t get the cost!
In you i am supposed to trust to be able to lean, but more often than not i feel i have no supporting beam.
I am like a building with a shaky foundation being asked to hold the weight of a nation.
Then being mocked when i crumble and fall
For the weight of this world i was not prepared at all.
So i lash out at everything in anger and fear.
Cut myself, cry in silence, try to just disappear.
You look at me with scorn as i break
all the while ignoring this visible heart ache!