The depth of my heart is tired, and my soul is flooded with grief and pain.
No where to run, no time to cry, just swallow and shove it down again.
Being in this constant state of confusion on high alert,
somedays we are your everything somedays your destruction, it becomes a blur.
You don’t want your freedom, but you don’t want me. You think you do, but you only want the version that’s make believe.
How many times have i sat on this porch swing to contemplate. But my head is so jumbled the thoughts i cant even separate.
My brain stuck somewhere between disassociation and trauma induced anxiety. Not sure how to shake loose, do I fight or do I flee?
some days I feel like I’m stuck on pause unable to be free. By the time, I finally decide will there be anything left of me?

I feel a little bit lost today, wandering through the passages of my mind i got stuck in an alley way.
I sat trembling staring at what i have left of you. Sweet Precious memories i don’t often sift through.
Because there i get caught in the aged sun faded edges of what we had. A lifetime of love moments, treasures, the good and the bad.
A million times i ache as i yearn for your comfort your advice. no need to pretend you knew the I’m fine lies.
What would you think, what would you say? Im so sorry i wasted so many of our days.
I wish i could hear your voice, feel one more warm embrace. See the unconditional love shining from your face.
I mourn the moments you should have shared. The grandchildren who should have known that much love and care.
Someone who always showed up, who loved you even when you were wrong. It doesn’t seem right that the days just keep moving along.
So here i sit surrounded by the memories and it makes me sway. I just feel a little bit lost today….

Who are you really? What are your dreams?
Is anything i thought as it seems?
I know your favorite color and your Birthday
And what you act like in a rage.
I know your favorite foods and your favorite drink
And how it feels when your anger makes me shrink.
I know your past the people and things that have made you, you.
And i know the chaos you and i have been through.
Hard work, compromise, forgiveness all part of what i expected.
But bitterness, resentment, constant anxiety, and being neglected?
The feeling that choosing us is tearing us both apart so far distanced from the boy and girl we were at the start.

Daily Poised on the brink of chaos and disaster. liven life in tears, love and laughter.

Wishin for sunshine again and again but you cant have the rainbow without a little rain.

Missing the feelings in the memories of yesterday, but forgetting the pain that made me sway.

Grass is always greener in someone else’s yard. But we cant see their struggle just our own view of hard.

Lost in our dreaming, reaching for what we hope to gain. Losing sight of the hand we could hold, relieve someone else’s pain.

Selfish and ambitious the world seems to glorify. But its not a good look, so ask yourself why?

If its so much better forever when… why are the ones that are there still striving then?

Find something deeper meaning in the mess. Learn, grow, give, love don’t settle for less.

Dance in the rain and bask in the sun. Be happy to just live and life becomes more fun.

The days flow by like water through an open drain, cant bask in the sunshine without a bit of rain.
Trying to slow down enjoy the moment before it becomes a memory, but often i am overwhelmed lost in the overloaded sensory.
Want to live with wisdom, and act in gratitude and love. But feeling a bit jaded, lost in the push and shove!
Somedays life just feels so very hard, and we can wind up feeling like we are the ones who we discard.
Somewhere in the process of growing older we often lock ourselves away and grow a little colder.
I refuse to give in to the ease of whats known,
Or live in fear of being stretched and grown.
I know i am being refined while standing in the fire. But the pain still makes me sway as the flames grow higher.

I go so long my mind and heart ******* in knots,
Remind me God of all the things i forgot!
You are my savior, my helper, my redeemer, my king
On you i can depend, give all the struggle, your praise i sing!
I don’t have to carry the weight of the world.
It’s not my job to volley all thats been hurled.
You see me where i am in the midst of the storm.
This chaos and anxiety does not have to be my norm.
You want me to give my heart completely to you. Trust your lead. Instead i am often lost in the thorns causing my soul to ache and bleed.
You say,”Cast your cares upon me, trust, release”. You flood my mind and heart with your comfort and peace.
Help me to keep this posture kneeling at your feet, trusting in your love no need to retreat.

Drip drip drip just one at a time but those drops add up and the water climbs.
I feel it coming cant lock it inside, the weight the heavy pressure the landslide.
The storm its raging just beneath, barely controlled no sign of relief.
So much baggage so I begin to bail, but with the rate it keeps coming i am going to fail.
I stuff and i stuff until theres no space. Try not to let it show just keep up the pace.
Drowning inside losing touch with reality. I am trying , But the waters so high i can barely see.
Praying for a way of rescue, or even a life raft.
But somehow it seems they all just sail past.
Your fault you didn’t reach out and grab hold
Why are you so weak you need to be bold.
But you don’t know the anchors tied to me.
Pulling me back under where you cant see.
Cut them all loose and swim away fast.
Its not that easy the connections are vast.