Pain in waves...
Lost inside...
Nowhere to turn to.
Nowhere to hide.
Desperate to make things better,
Unsure about how.
Where do i start?
What do i do now?
Children are a blessing,
But apparently i am doing it all wrong!
So much keeps coming....
And i am just not that strong!
Losing the fight to an ache that overtakes me.
I know the Lord provides.....
But right now i just cant see.

My heart is so heavy i can hardly breathe, just weighted down by the loss of things i haven’t had time to grieve.
Keep moving forward whatever you do don’t stop . Tuck this in, don’t think about that, juggle don’t drop.
Ignore the pain,  just cover and cloak, tell yourself a lie. With the truth you wont be able to cope.
Too much too much and then theres more.  More days than not just breathing is a chore.
In a world of brokenness and regret there seems to be so little compassion or respect.
Carrying more than i ever let show trying hard to learn to let go.
Don’t want  to be a burden, but i need a soft place to fall. Not asking for pity but answer my call.
Hope is fading and i am drowning, but i love you i am here keeps resounding.
Out of your own pain you hold me in mine, through your own darkness a light you shine.
Though you struggle you wont  leave me to drown. With love and a smile you straighten my crown.
Without these women where would i be? I have no words for what you mean to me.

Maybe you always were a rainbow but i could only see in single shades.
Pink or blue i labeled you, but baby you were a colorful parade.
You saw a kaleidoscope pattern a beautiful array.
you tried to share it with me but i didn’t know what to say.
In my own way i was blinded couldn’t see the flashes of light.
Had to shield my eyes the colors were to bright.
See baby i was taught to only see things through their filter.
When you tried to show me something different it left me off kilter.
Still i am learning and spinning  but i promise to try.
To see and appreciate your beautiful colors painting the sky!

Minutes turn to hours turn to days to months and then to years, its hard to take time to experience the joy when your drowning in the overwhelm and tears.
Checking off tasks only to add on a few that are new. Just when you get something figured out you realize you haven’t got a clue.
Feeling like a stupid kid still learning what its all about. Until you don’t recognize the aged worn face in the mirror eyeing you with doubt.
Caught in a time warp of what is old and what is new. Trying to wrap your head around it, see what is true.
Running on empty with no refuel anywhere in sight. Ask for a lift and it just becomes a huge argument over who’s wrong and who’s right!
I just want to release it all let some one else take control. But theres no one there to help carry the rising toll.
Feeling like I’m Alice trapped on the other side of the glass. Something forever chasing me feels like a heavy mass.
Longing to escape yet not to go back to what was before, please no more chaos i need peace to the depth of my core.
Riddles and faulty logic have kept me spinning and left me drained. My steps through this fog are heavy and pained.
I feel so lost in this place both chaotic and strange. Sending out a distress call but it seems i am out of range.
Clarity for a moment clear the poison from my brain but then comes the words that tell me I’m insane.
You are not lost,  this is where you should be. Quit trying to fight it it, just stay with me.

I feel depleted and there is nothing left. I look to you and there i find rest.
My heart is burdened and with fear and anxiety it churns. Sweet relief floods me as toward your grace and mercy my eye turns.
My body is battered, breaking by the war with this world. You draw me close tell me not within your own strength can you defeat the weapons which are hurled.
I am acting out of sorts not at all the daughter i long to be. But you hold tight never abandoning me.
I have hurt and disappointed you my eyes run with tears and my heart burns with shame. I want to hide away in fear but then you call my name.
Your sacrifice to cover, to wash me clean , to draw me to yourself, to free me from sins reign. You wont let me hide or stay crippled by shame, you remind me i am yours and your love for me remains.

When my heart spoke in a whisper the world was so loud.  I didn’t hear her talking over the roar of the crowd.
She tried so hard to tell me what i needed to know. But i held on so tightly to where i thought i should go.
When my heart spoke a little louder i beat her back. Surely her words true wisdom did lack.
But no, she knew better than i ever thought, her instinct was to protect from the perils wrought.
When my heart began to scream i pushed on in robotic motion. Just keep moving ebb and flow like the tides of the ocean.
She was so loud but i was so so lost, forgive me i had no idea of the cost.
When my heart began to sob her voice in so much pain,  memories and hurt mingling together like cold and rain.
She grew cold, froze in the ice of loss and regret. And stood shivering still her words unmet.
When my heart grew silent, and i felt numb
I realized i had not been deaf to her resounding thrum.
I heard but ignored her warnings and cries,
And instead trusted in my comfort and lies.

You look at me..... but stare right through me.
Predetermined opinions you think you know me.       But..... you don’t!

You act so well. Play your part to a T!
Hugs and kisses, you say you love me.
But..... you don’t!

Pretend to welcome, while doing everything you can to shut me out. So many lies i want to scream call them out!    But.... I don’t.

How many times have i tried? How many times have i cried? How many times do i bear the weight, while silently he hesitates??
I wish i could tell you, but.... I won’t.