I fell from grace
When i burnt it
all to the ground.
You told me to never
Contact you again;
Ripping me from your life
like I was your biggest sin.

But the thing
with unspoken fears,
They’re fueled by betrayal,
And burn for years.

If I could ask the world a favor,
I’d ask for it to be gentle with me.
I’ll be anything you want me to be,
As long as you never ask me to be me.

You can call me crazy,
You can shut the door in my face,
convince the jesters around you
not to believe a single word I say.

You can play pretend with your friends,
making jokes at my expense.
You'll laugh, while I go hide,
"It's just a joke" is your defense.

You can bury my name in the dirt, you can take away my choice.
You can try to silence me when I speak, but you cannot take my voice.

You can pretend you didn't beat me, hide it from the world
you know, the time you used your entire fist, to hit a 4'10" girl.

Remember when you knocked me down?
You hit me so hard, I saw stars.
As I fell to the ground, they circled my head round and round.

But you didn't stop there, you were feeling tough.
Lying on the forest floor, you kicked me in the gut.

I wish I could say that was the last time, sadly, that wasn't the case.
Your sinister ways always popped up,
Leaving destruction in their wake.

Running like a coward,
you never could learn from your mistakes. hurting women back-to-back to back.
Compliant friends and family,
Giving you the okay.

I know you probably think
I’m only trying to ruin your life.
But it's not as simple as that
I'm speaking up to reclaim mine!

I wrote some of my best poems
about you.
Now, everytime you
cross my mind,
I want to throw my pen,
across the room.

You must have decided,
it was time to get rid of me,
once and for all.
Dangled the hope of your
touch as the bait,
I fell for it so fast,
it was almost criminal.

did you feel like a man,
when you placed your hand,
around my neck?

taking control,
watching me fold.
i lose; you win.

How many times
must I think it through?
It's been three years now,
I no longer even know you.
Some may argue I never did.

But I saw it in you.
I saw it in your eyes, kid.
Two out of two, they both sat low.
Tears welled in your eyes when it was time for you to go.

Remember when I asked you for space?
But what I really wanted was you.
7 nights before,
You kissed me 3 times,
Under the purple moon.
Your eyes filled with tears
And mine did too.
We left it all in the past,
When we said goodbye too soon.

The purple lights hung above us,
Illuminating the impending doom.
My eyes begged, as they looked into yours,
Sealed eternally, in our lavender tomb.

I still see you in the hallway,
A nightly matinee just for me.
You hugged me three times goodbye,
As my heart fell between my knees.

A lump formed in the back of my throat,
As my mind said “just go with the flow”.
A million words circled in my head,
insecurity won, so instead I watched you go.

Love is such a lie
Take my advice
And never pluck
From the same vine twice.

The beauty is deceptive
And will cost you your mind.
Piercing your skin
each and every time.

If you wanted to tear my life apart,
tell me you always thought the future would be ours,
too.

And you did.

Hey bronze boy,
come take a seat.
Have a cup of ayahuasca
I’m all out of tea.

I can’t stop,
I’ll never let it be
until I have you crawling
Back on your knees.

Begging for forgiveness,
begging me please
Let’s talk
Let’s take it easy

Too late.
It’s gonna be a wild ride.
Your momma never taught you
there’s danger in too much pride?

You worked hard,
got the degrees
doesn’t make you more of a man
when it’s women you can’t please.

You know reading, writing, arithmetic
but you never learned the skills to be a man.
Just a little *****
playing dress-up,
telling women to get on their hands.

You like control.
You like power.
You’re a high society type of man.

I’ll teach you life lessons
I learned on the streets:
anyone can fall on their ***,
And everyone can be beat.

You’re a scholar,
you’re a baller,
you’re a tiny little man.
Will you ever get the courage
to pop your head out of the sand?

Call it for what it was.
Put a name on my hurt.
Honor my last breath,
before you cover me in dirt.

They say be careful
what you wish for
you just might get it.

I’ve taken three trips
around the sun
wanting you.

This morning
You reached out.
Now I don’t know
what to do.

Do I let if flow
Free fall
As we go?
Hairs raised
Eyes alert,
Look out for
Upcoming hurt?

Stiff as board
Just say no,
Just let it go?
Stay focused
on me,
continue to grow
my own tree?

Oh I wish
I knew exactly
What to do.

To have a heart
that’s shared love
Is an awfully tough
Mountain to move.

Your silence was so deafening
it made my ears bleed
when it got too loud.

But now that I’ve
heard you again,
I see
it was only a self inflicted wound


I once saw you as a gentle man,
until your mouth and ego
popped their heads from the sand.

Oh, how I wish
you could take it all back
be as sweet
as I know you can.

The bronze boy
who held my mind
the only man
I could stand.

I wish you’d set
your bitterness aside
and learn
to enjoy this ride.

You’re far too precious
to be a victim
of your own pride.

There’s no need for me to overthink it
Karma is best served late.
I’ll sit back as the smoke clears,
Take a deep breath, and just wait.

Did you really think
I’d never learn to fight back?
That I wouldn’t get my lick back?
That I couldn’t stand on my own two feet?
It’s just like you to underestimate me
To push me to the back,
To try and do away with me.

But I’m richer than you’ll ever be,
And not just by my salary.
My ego doesn’t warp my sense of reality.
I’m not afraid to face myself,
I clawed my way out of hell,
And I gave myself to others along the way.

I can see the good in the worst.
I broke my family curse.
I’ve learned how to thrive on my own.
My dog is my best friend,
I’ve learned to decenter men,
And I know,
Life can always begin again.

I like to think
maybe it wasn’t meant
to be goodbye just then.
Maybe we were meant
to have our lives,
to one day meet again.

Maybe on a hot summer’s day,
Under the Utah sun,
We’ll both have salt and pepper hair,
And lock eyes on the horizon.

Our hearts would stop,
and so would our paths.
Fate giving us
A second shot
to reconcile
our past.

I want to start  
Relentlessly living,
Traveling the world,
With my dog and fat ***.
Finding people
Who pull out a chair,
offer what they have;
A seat at their table
Just for me
A seat at their table
Because I’m me.

I wrote your eyes
into every poem.
Dreamt of the two every time
I got a moment alone.
I placed you up high,
on the highest of thrones.
I dreamt of your hands
calling mine home.

My eyes saw you as rare
Like the freshest of air,
the kind you feel by the sea.
Warm like a blanket,
smells like coconut,
feels like living in a dream.

With skin so golden,
your touch was unspoken
And I’ll never forget the way i felt.
Like I finally belonged,
in your Latin songs,
That said you wanted me yours.
I fell to my knees,
In you I believed,
I was your American *****.

It’s strange how fast
my heart dropped you.
Because the past thousand days
have lived in shades of blue.
Darkened by the
unfinished business of
my unspoken truths.

I relentlessly crossed your boundaries,
reaching out by text.
Multiple numbers downloaded,
I’m sure you never knew
when I’d pop up next.
On my knees, I begged
for scraps of your humanity,
feeling like the child I once was,
crying out for her family.

You punished me for being
too much,
and for not being obedient.
You said if I ever wanted your
love again,
I first must learn to repent.

You held your power over me,
like a cowardly, tiny man.
seeing past your twisted persona,
I no longer want to hold your hand.
Instead I cut the string that connected us both,
releasing the admiration I once held for you,
like my own sacred oath.

They say what doesn’t **** you,
Only makes you stronger.
Like the day my world stopped,
When you didn’t want me any longer.

You said I was just too much,
and went from zero to one hundred.
Making you feel anxiety,
And you no longer want it.

I’ve been told better by worse,
But believe what you said.
I never was very good at handling,
My feelings up against a ledge.

I like it when you walk beside me,
your shoulder always taps mine.
I do not know what kind of spell you got me under,
but it’s not that very kind.
You look at me with two black marbles,
that pierce my eyes blind.
My body melts from the inside out,
every time your eyes meet mine.

When I go out,
I make sure to take everything with me.
Nothing can be left behind,
I burn down the whole ******* city.
One by one,
I take a match to each and every building.

I inevitably end up lost in the debris.
Sometimes feeling overwhelming remorse,
For all the charred buildings.
I take my time sifting through,
Let each and every loss, run its course.

I can’t say, that I don’t know what I’m doing.
And i probably always will.
But one thing’s for sure,
I can handle life’s cheap thrills.

I know how to rise from the ashes,
Even ones created by me.
Dust myself off, learn how to breathe.
I’ve done it many times before,
Ensuring myself that in every lifetime,
I got me.

I was never able
To call you mine.
But for six months
Everyday,
At a quarter to noon,
I got a voice text
From you.

There's a lot about you
I never quite liked.
For starters,
You're way too tall,
And not very kind.

Your father taught you anger,
Your mother taught you greed,
I'm not sure you have much else on your mind
Then whatever it is you need.

It's not just what you say,
It's more about what you do
Treating people like puppets,
Just to get yourself through.

I'm glad I learned that cutting the strings was best.
I'm starting to trust happiness,
Since it no longer feels like a test.

You have free will
And what was it
You chose to do?
Emotionally mind ****
A woman who
Cared deeply about you.

I think you said
You liked me best
When I was obedient.
“Your good,
Little girl.”
You got mad at me
When I spoke out of line,
When my quiet
Passive ways
Began to become unfurled.

It’s almost like
You wanted me dead
You only came
Back to make sure
You walked off
With my head.

As you cut my Throat,
You told me
You’d have me again.
As long as I stayed
On my knees,
So you could
Live out your sins

Your message popped up,
And my world stood still.
Three years later
Your words cut to ****.
I lay there in darkness,
Professing my will.
Only for you,
To take it back still.

You didn’t mind
Tearing my world apart
You dangled your touch
Then stabbed me in the heart.
You said you didn’t love me,
And we would never be friends.
You gave me a week
To be good and just listen.

I crawled on my knees
Chasing answers from you.
As I was Losing my mind,
Your arrogance shone through.  
As you casually ignored me,
Played me for the fool.
Left me there waiting,
For approval from you.  

I promised I’d be softer
And ask you for less.
If you’d just let me,
I could pass the next test.
We could have fun together,
Like before all this stress.
You just watched me suffer,
And wallow in my own mess.

So casually cruel
With the words that you choose.
Carving your own path,
Ensuring a scar from you.
As I begged for truth.
You swatted me around,
Before your claws gave mercy
And let me loose.

You then said it was over
That it all was just a game.
I signed up for it,
You were not to blame.
But what if it doesn’t matter,
And all I want is you.
Could you let me earn back
My spot in life with you.

Because you showed me lightness
When my world was the darkest.
Your touch felt the safest,
And you held me the closest.
Your kiss felt like magic,
And filled me with wonder.
Your eyes were the only ones,
I wanted to be under.

I kneeled down below you
Told you I’d be anything for you.
You told me don’t bother,
You’ve already been through.
Taking all of my bones,
You crushed them with yours.
You told me I was nothing
Nothing More than a *****.

You taught me,
you taught me good.
Taught me the lessons
that no one else could.
You're everyone's favorite
professor,
The university's top pick.
Hiding behind your
fare persona,
and playing games
With women behind it.

You said you'd come
see me,
If I showed you what
I got.
You said maybe you'd
let me back into your
life,
if only my body was hot.
It had to be small enough for you
to conquer,
and submissive enough as to
not scare,
I'd belong only to you,
I would be only yours
to wear.

I told you I wanted
to be seen as equal,
you said I was not
allowed to object.
I was a typical white
woman,
I didn’t deserve to have your
respect.
I crossed your boundaries,
and never left you alone.
Three years of no contact,
as rust grew in my bones.
I begged for your humanity,
for the sake of my sanity;
I was looking for proof
I even existed.

You're a man of incredible cowardice,
You could only imagine to be big.
A ******* sorry excuse for one,
you’re nothing more than a
chauvinistic pig.

The last night I saw you
Still haunts my mind.
Was it a total mind ****
Or once in a lifetime?

someone once told me
before you **** yourself,
**** your life.

so I slit that ******* throat
and watched it die.

Does anyone else see what I see?
A man of high prestige;
Playing mind games with me.
A professor, a scholar, a social scientist.
He knows how to use his words,
He knows how to bait and switch.

It’s clear he gets off
At being in control.
Playing with women’s minds,
Until he crushes their soul.  
A man of great knowledge,
Who hide his tail between his legs.
The only way he can feel like a man,
Is by watching a woman beg.

Now that the smoke has lifted,
I can finally see clear.
All that’s left is a coward with intellect,
Hiding behind a well manicured beard.

He exuded confidence when he needed,
He knew how to take control.
He mastered how to play lifes games,
He never shied to walk away and fold.

His poker face deceived the masses,
All while his eyes remained stone cold.
Each play he made was calculated,
Each move he made was meant to scold.
When picking a new love interest,
He looked for those easily controlled.

I was the perfect good girl just for him;
Rhetorical and defiant in the streets,
Submissive and indecisive in the sheets.
He dangled his love like he was handing out treats,
Only to ****** them back in total defeat.

He got off on this kind of ****
Because deep down he was still a little boy.
Standing on his tip toes instead of just freely playing with his toys.
Subjected to life with cruel ways,
He gave up his innocence far before he ever had a say.

He used women to feed his need for peace,
He said I went from 0 to 100,
He never could trust me.
I fought back when he wanted me to sit,
I gave him redirection and accountability,
I made him feel things that he couldn’t fit.
I made him say things he wouldn’t admit,
I sat him down, I made him feel like the kid.
The one he buried and hid,
The one who was disregarded by life, amid.

You came in so strong,
It knocked me off my feet.
I’ve been pulling myself up,
Since you stopped my world last week.
Trying to make sense
Of how fast it all turned mean.
But if life has taught me something,
It’s I can’t force myself to be seen.

Cold as you were cruel,
You used the patriarchy against me.
The only difference this time around
I felt it all coming.

It’s just like an insecure man
To need such control.
Historically destroying lives around us,
Impressing each other Is clearly the goal.

Taking women, breaking them down
All to just feel big and free!
But surprise, *******
This time it ends with me.

I’d text you just to feel something,
Even with no reply.
Searching for comfort through a toy,
Spending every day high.
Smoking makes the anxiety worse,
But so does not finding a light.
I wake up to clouds of you,
And go to sleep to them at night.

You’re worse than an enemy,
’Cause to you I don’t exist.
So neither do the nights you walked me home,
Or the way that we kissed.
What was the purpose of it all, even?
Just to be left dismissed?

But he worked so hard
To build his career!
I think to myself
before submitting his name to smear.
Neglecting the humiliation ritual
he effortlessly performed on me.

Three years went by without a peep,
but out of the blue,
he used my vulnerability
as I hung myself with it,
so easily.

Is it just me?
To feel, as a woman
is it just easy
to give up
and hard to give in?
Easier to be as small as I can be,
to put the entire world at ease.
Release all this self-inflicted anxiety,
get on all fours,
get on my knees.
Hand over my autonomy.
Find some sort of peace
in the patriarchy.

I’ll be ******
If you’ll ever catch me again,
fighting for a man.
Parading him like he’s mine,
as proud and protective
as a mother lion.

I’ve been there before,
And soon learned,
the battle was not worth
the strength of a woman’s
roar.
It’ll only lead to multiple wars,
And feeling lonelier than before.
Ripping away my identity,
gutting me to my core.  

It’s systemic and unfair
and my heart is meant to
do more than just bare.
Bare the control
of your dominion hands,
Always at my throat
at your command.

Caged to perform
In hopes you’ll keep
me around.
You timid lioness,
You center stage show clown.

Behind the curtains
You remove my claws
one by one.
A life used as your attraction,
Losing all autonomy,
Loving as a transaction.

As far as I am concerned
Your mother and father should get on their knees.
Mutter seven Hail Marys,
Repent their lives away to me.

The night you fell to my bed,
your faced turned blue.
Hitting you as hard as I could,
I knocked the life back into you.

My quick thinking,
allowed you to breath new life,
But hand to god,
if I knew what I know now,
I would have thought twice.