I’ve been punching the air,
because you don’t care,
was it something I did?

You chipped away at my walls,
for nothing at all,
in the ruins I hid.

I let you into my home,
where I water my soul,
now you’re only in my phone.

It’s just like silly little me,
to get lost in the fantasy,
and end up alone.

You were born to bleed
to please your father,
always trying to figure it out.

Raised to shine
beneath the lights,
you practiced for years,
putting in the time.

His little toy soldier
born so he could get it right.
But when he broke,
he broke you too
left you alone in the ruins.

You still carried on
singing the bluest songs,
falling in love with the poppy.
Always taking it too far
until you lost track of who you are,
bleeding out for everyone to see.

Carrying the weight
Of your families shame,
high up on your shoulders.
Never giving up,
always pushing forward,
fighting for that boulder.

I’ve lost a lot of people over time
but losing you took me by surprise.
Like the way it feels when you look into your eyes,
as striking as 1000 staring nights,
The prettiest set of blues
east of the Mississippi.
I used to float freely in them
now they can’t bare to look at me.

You’re the kind of girl
that you meet once in a lifetime.
Your passion is electric,
a goddess by birth right.

Vulnerability is not that popular,
Yet everyone has it.
We are all little kids, just waiting to be told what to do next
How to feel.
Is it safe out there?
Is it safe in your arms?

Constantly shutting people out when we feel too much
But begging someone, anyone, to listen to us.
Is there anyone out there?
Is there anyone we can trust?

I want to rip the seal from everyone’s lips
and heal all their open wounds.
Do you think, if some of us tried hard enough, the world could heal too?
Before we destroy it with all of our hate,
Ignoring its demise as we sit around and wait.

Bed rotting
As I gasp for air,
How do I always end up here?
Naturally alone
Searching for family through a phone,
Is anyone even in there?

Ever since my mom died
I’ve had life and death on my mind.
So it’s safe to say,
I’ve been feeling grateful for my life.
But if I could change one thing,
I’d still have you by my side.

Only even numbers on the radio
still because of you,
I always think of you and wonder
If you ever think of me too.

I don’t like who I used to be
Too careless and care free,
I could have fought harder for us.

If you were here today,
I wouldn’t give up as easily.

I could rip you a new one,
**** up your mind,
make you cry-
drag you to your knees
for hurting me.

And still,
it wouldn’t change,
all I want is
you and me.

I felt in my bones a love like home
that offered us shelter from life’s storm.
When the sky poured rain
and the wind picked up,
The love in my eyes kept us warm.

I built all of our fires
even when I grew I tired,
But it never was enough for you.
Our passion grew weary
I could feel you start to resent me,
Your words were like torches
blazing torture,
fueled by years of your insecurities.

I walked two steps behind
Along your dotted lines,
I broke my back
To put your days before mine.
Broken and bruised
How long could you let
me go on being a pawn for you.
How could you be so cruel?

He was my American dream
Six two with a wing span
you want to flock to.
A piano man
a man of the night,
He biked to me
every night.

He was wild and free
and loved me
like i was the only
stars in his galaxy.

But He also
loved opiates!
His first love was
and will always be
the poppy.

A dagger he used
for the sake of all
that is good and bad.
But I wanted to
fix him,
he was the family
I never had
within the mad.

A ******* shoegazy
dream boy,
he was my favorite
kind of toy.
He’d try to runaway
Every other day,
but i always begged him
to stay.
And He always stayed.

It was always
the last time,
always the last fight.
until another battle
inevitably broke out,
It got even harder
Once his family
Found out.

Everyone was mad
and had something
to say over
what we had.
They always wanted
me dead.
I could hear in the
tone of their voice
they wanted my head.

They got their way
When I moved away,
and they let
Him live in his own lies.
He spiraled out completely
Found someone else just
like me,
He still circles the same
crowds.

He’s become one of my life’s omens
And we must never speak
again.
Because according to him and everyone
else,
I was his life’s biggest sin.
Taking the blame for all the was lost,
Saving his name at whatever
the cost.

Are you sure you weren’t meant for me?
Since the day we met you’re all I see.
I feel like a teenage girl,
It’s always you and me.

I’ll be anyone you need tonight,
Just hold me under the purple lights.
Spin me around on my tiptoes
We’ll get lost in the madness
Isn’t that how love goes?

I thought i was better off alone,
Now I don’t know what to think.
I want to take you by the hand,
And runaway forever!

Read books, take walks,
go somewhere clever.
I’ll go anywhere,
As long as we’re together.

You called me crazy
So let me show you insane.
I was the woman of your dreams
You called me by your name.
You sold me a story of a fairytale,
and not a word of it was true.
I’ve had a heart of gold all along,
and that kind of love shines through.

You put me in a box and
tried to throw away the key.  
But I broke out swinging
Someone had to look out for me.
Modern romance does exist
just not in boys like you.
I got drunk in my own eyes
I saw right through you.

I just have to ask,
was I some kind of game?
Did you have bets with your wife?
Was I your ceremonial sacrifice?
You devoured me entirely
and spit me out the same.
You got the hell out of dodge
Faster than you came.

All I ever asked for was human decency,
Can you  look me in the eye?
Can you say my name?

Loves tug-o-war
doesn’t interest me anymore;
I’m too soft
I’m too kind,
I’ll not only lose myself
I’ll lose my mind.

The back and forth
always makes me feel bad.
I’ll lose my footing
everywhere I go,
Wake up lonely
Just to go to bed sad.

It’s just too much
for someone
soft like me.
Id rather be with my dog
enjoying the safety
of my own company.

Aristotle said,
“Through discipline comes freedom”.
So faced myself in the mirror,
Instead of chasing the sun.

My mother told me
If I didn’t start watching my mouth,
I was going to wind up getting my *** beat.

I grew up in a chaos that
would’ve broken you.
Had you begging a God
you don’t believe in,
While crawling on your knees.

As a kid,
I ate punks like you for breakfast
and convicted felons for dessert.
I learned to use my words as weapons,
aimed it directly at the hurt.

Some say I grew up too soon,
Others pitied me at first glance.
I say I rose from the ashes,
And made my own chance.

A man could never
be my muse.
Some might have a
golden touch,
But once the night
Is over,
It never means that much.

Maybe it’s the way
they walk too deserving,
considering all the damage
they’ve historically done.
Always pinning themselves
one of “the good guys”,
Lying to your face
when they say it
While staring into the sun.

Circling back to anything
that doesn’t serve them,
Showing up to the fight
wearing a mask.
Taking what they want,
never even thinking to ask.

I might as well be a drunken fool
it’s in my bloodline.
My father was one.

A Charles Bukowski wannabe.
I dwell in my own suffocating misery
until I pass out, falling to my knees.

Head in my hands,
screeching to the sky:
Why—why—why?
Why me?

Snarling at many,
letting only a select few
get close.

I let them in only to cosplay
their perfect host.

Searching for love
and despising it the most.

I can't help but wonder
when I am walking along,
why I'm not meant to have a family,
why I was born on my own.

Hands in my head
I pace back and forth,
The storms are long
my mind is a mess.

I screech through the night
but no one can hear me,
Asking myself
What am I good for?

I look in the mirror,
to see something familiar,
but all I can see
is hope that has gone dead.

I gave up long ago,
looking for a home.
women like me are
meant to roam.

I still feel sick to my stomach
some Saturdays.
When the light beams
through the kitchen window
just right.
I feel like I am child,
waiting, hoping,
for my dad to arrive.
Not knowing
if he will,
But used to him not.

My love still aches for him
in the form of wishes
and knots.

You said you
needed space,
After I crashed
out.
Why would
I act like
that?
What was that
all about?

I don’t want to
point the blame,
But it’s hard to
find calm words,
When you leave me
Just as fast
as you came.

Do you know
what it feels like,
to be all alone?
Like, completely alone?

I’m talking everyday
every weekend, all year.
Not just the sporadic
dry phone.

I wake up
heart pounding.
Who will I
spend the holidays with?
It’s August,
and I still don’t
have a family.

It’s still just me.
Alone.
Dinner for one,
too sad to
have a tree.

I’m not sure
when I’ll be able
to look in the mirror again.
Whenever I see my reflection,
I want to shed my own skin.

I let someone touch me
who didn’t really care.
I tried to protect myself,
but there’s snakes everywhere.

They slide into your mind
and shower you with love,
wrap themselves around you,
then suffocate you with their shrug.

They eat you alive
until nothing is left.
They were cold blooded all along,
they just move on to the next.

It was nice,
but I’m ready to go.
To go grow.
To go learn all I can learn,
and know all I can know.
To hold more hands,
give even biggers hugs.
To share more of my precious love.

I find myself
only wanting to think about you.
When I walked the streets tonight,
I wonder if youre under the same moon.

I go to my favorite place
and dream of your face.
We both run wild in my head,
twisted in the sheets of my bed.

Where we lay in silence,
Wrapped in each others skin.
I think about you never having to leave,
I sit around to dream of pretend.

Where we get lost in each others eyes,
A place where the sun doesn’t rise.
A place for only me and you,
A place I go when you’re gone too soon.

I hate when people tell me
I talk too much.
I send too many text
And they can’t keep up.

At first they like it
Because it feels nice.
I help distract them
From their life.
But then it becomes old
And I get in the way.
Just another day
And I have too much
To say.

I cried over a text,
You sent too slow.
Pouted in the dark,
All alone.
Gathered the facts
I thought it would last.
In the meantime,
I turned to stone.

I liked my days
With only you.
You said yourself
It was too good to be true.
The eyes don’t lie
And neither did you.
Ever since you looked
Into mine,
I’ve been falling in blue.

I have flashbacks of us
And all our quirks.
You always came to me
You always made it work.
We felt it in the silence,
You knew my heart was good.
We were always there
For each other,
We had each others back,
We always understood.

They say healing is lonely
But they never tell you
That the silence
will suffocate you.
Pressing down on
every square inch
Of your body.
Forcing you to feel
the weight of letting go
of who you were
For who you need to be.

fourth of july,
night sky.
sparkling lights
ands fireflies.
hands together,
and you were mine.
we smoked,
until we could fly.
i never felt,
so right.

two years later,
youre not around.
but when i look
to the sky,
it’s the fourth of july.
sparkling lights
and fireflies.
i never felt
so right.

fourth of july,
night sky.
sparkling lights
ands fireflies.
hands together,
and you were mine.
we smoked,
until we could fly.
i never felt,
so right.

two years later,
youre not around.
but when i look to the sky,
on the fourth of july,
im back with you,
in our small town.

As far as I am concerned
Your mother and father should get on their knees.
Mutter seven Hail Marys,
Repent their lives away to me.

The night you fell to my bed,
your faced turned blue.
Hitting you as hard as I could,
I knocked the life back into you.

My quick thinking,
allowed you to breath new life,
But hand to god,
if I knew what I know now,
I would have thought twice.

Remember when I asked you for space?
But what I really wanted was you.
7 nights before,
You kissed me 3 times,
Under the purple moon.
Your eyes filled with tears
And mine did too.
We left it all in the past,
When we said goodbye too soon.

did you feel like a man,
when you placed your hand,
around my neck?

taking control,
watching me fold.
i lose; you win.

I wrote some of my best poems
about you.
Now, everytime you
cross my mind,
I want to throw my pen,
across the room.

You must have decided,
it was time to get rid of me,
once and for all.
Dangled the hope of your
touch as the bait,
I fell for it so fast,
it was almost criminal.

Love is such a lie
Take my advice
And never pluck
From the same vine twice.

The beauty is deceptive
And will cost you your mind.
Piercing your skin
each and every time.

I want to start  
Relentlessly living,
Traveling the world,
With my dog and fat ***.
Finding people
Who pull out a chair,
offer what they have;
A seat at their table
Just for me
A seat at their table
Because I’m me.

They say be careful
what you wish for
you just might get it.

I’ve taken three trips
around the sun
wanting you.

This morning
You reached out.
Now I don’t know
what to do.

Do I let if flow
Free fall
As we go?
Hairs raised
Eyes alert,
Look out for
Upcoming hurt?

Stiff as board
Just say no,
Just let it go?
Stay focused
on me,
continue to grow
my own tree?

Oh I wish
I knew exactly
What to do.

To have a heart
that’s shared love
Is an awfully tough
Mountain to move.

I fell from grace
When i burnt it
all to the ground.
You told me to never
Contact you again;
Ripping me from your life
like I was your biggest sin.

But the thing
with unspoken fears,
They’re fueled by betrayal,
And burn for years.

How many times
must I think it through?
It's been three years now,
I no longer even know you.
Some may argue I never did.

But I saw it in you.
I saw it in your eyes, kid.
Two out of two, they both sat low.
Tears welled in your eyes when it was time for you to go.

If I could ask the world a favor,
I’d ask for it to be gentle with me.
I’ll be anything you want me to be,
As long as you never ask me to be me.

The purple lights hung above us,
Illuminating the impending doom.
My eyes begged, as they looked into yours,
Sealed eternally, in our lavender tomb.

I still see you in the hallway,
A nightly matinee just for me.
You hugged me three times goodbye,
As my heart fell between my knees.

A lump formed in the back of my throat,
As my mind said “just go with the flow”.
A million words circled in my head,
insecurity won, so instead I watched you go.

You can call me crazy,
You can shut the door in my face,
convince the jesters around you
not to believe a single word I say.

You can play pretend with your friends,
making jokes at my expense.
You'll laugh, while I go hide,
"It's just a joke" is your defense.

You can bury my name in the dirt, you can take away my choice.
You can try to silence me when I speak, but you cannot take my voice.

You can pretend you didn't beat me, hide it from the world
you know, the time you used your entire fist, to hit a 4'10" girl.

Remember when you knocked me down?
You hit me so hard, I saw stars.
As I fell to the ground, they circled my head round and round.

But you didn't stop there, you were feeling tough.
Lying on the forest floor, you kicked me in the gut.

I wish I could say that was the last time, sadly, that wasn't the case.
Your sinister ways always popped up,
Leaving destruction in their wake.

Running like a coward,
you never could learn from your mistakes. hurting women back-to-back to back.
Compliant friends and family,
Giving you the okay.

I know you probably think
I’m only trying to ruin your life.
But it's not as simple as that
I'm speaking up to reclaim mine!