Lonely

It is easy to feel alone
But that is selfish

Seven billion
people around me

But not a single one
is next to me

I guess i've beat the odds

Lucky

The sun
is teasing me

It peeks out
kisses my eager skin
then hides again

behind grumpy clouds
who like to
drink my soul

Commitment
is hard
to come by

Unnatural,
I suppose

I don't want
promises

*I just want you there

Things feel heavy right now and
my body wants to be free
I met you and then things took a new turn
I began to see through new eyes

I take host within the body
of those I grow new love for
the eyes of lovers are my identity
I am fluid now and can see my unease

I do not understand how
to carry the weight of
all these eyes at once

but I did

Now I can feel
That I loved them all
not one the same
yet each made my heart twist

My body is too small

Is it bad that
I just looked at
a concerned looking
elderly person on
their phone and
expected them to
say *im here for the crack

Blurred vision from
moving fast
Traveling to nowhere

I trust with no
discretion
love too easily

Love is only
easy in the moment
But a moment

is just long enough
to remain forever
in the past

A touch like honey
You left me with my eyes
closed and heart open

I followed you till
new orleans
Where you said

held your happiness
"Every night's a party!"
Where you'd get

drunk and tell me
you love me
But I dont

hear it much anymore
while you're
stuck next to me

Daydreaming
about where you'll
end up tomorrow

the universe has a
wonderfully sadistic
sense of humor

it brings to you
the unexpected at
inconvenient times

drags dead mice
onto the white
rug of your existence  

and looks up
at you with
innocent eyes

and all you can do
is clean the mess
and ignore the stain

In a dark leech infested
swamp I found you yet again
haunting me behind the
cage that is my eyelashes

I find no peace within
my own darkness
The sacredness of my solitary
mind has been corrupted by

the demons which have
infested the remnants of
some flesh I once loved

In the swamp I am
choked
and
thrown
and
******
and
drowned

I feel it all but am paralyzed
by the curl of your lips
which seem to conceal a
glimmer of hope

There's a feeling that settles
into the comfortable silence
accompanied by a shared meal
that was too spicy to
finish  
sort of like the feeling you get
with a sturdy cat buzzing
in your lap. The warm steam
gathering on the tip of your nose
from a shared hot drink
as you hear the oration of
an equally warm book
taunting us to
laugh
deep in our bellies

Intimidated
by your
poise

An impression
which left me
struck

But first meetings
always fade

and

things change
with familiarity.

disillusionment

I
   can
          see
                your
                         fear
                                now

You are a riddle
but I have solved it

Found the key
to your insecurities

I accept you and
I love you

I wish I had the power
To lift this weight
from your shoulders

This weight which
pulls you
like strings

This weight which
likes to
push me away

I am weak
to its unusual and
discouraging strength

With time, I will gain power
you
        can
               be
                    freed

I often wonder
where you travel to
when you disappear

Do you float
through orchards of
ripe fruit

to say hello
to the spirits
who wander like you

Or do you travel
to the Mongolian times
with fire in your eyes

to fight the battles of history
as you wish to fight
your mind

Or do you just disappear to
see
me
suffer

pine needles naked bodies and golden hairs
you belong on a silver ship
                                               that goes
                                                            ­   to nowhere
                                                         ­               but
                                              ­                 sometimes
                                                    stops
      ­                                   near
                        paradise
storms blowing at stubborn desire
   filling lungs with memories we thought were lost

we die when the soul is exhausted by the torment
   it has swallowed
                                 like honey
                                                   ...and your skin
when it is next to my skin

A flash of light
and then the boom
Liquid warmth pouring
over tired eyelashes
dark stickiness
coating every inch
of tired skin
the throbbing pain
which only goes away
if you sit
and wait for
another injured soul
to come along and
share their bandages

Wind caresses and
the delicate movement of
critters
always forward
always traveling.

No worries
or faults
no bouts of insanity
or loneliness.

How I wish to be
a creature
perched upon these
blades of grass.

But then
I wouldn't feel
the intensity of you.

My friends
are not people

I spend my time
with memories

Memories don't know
how to hurt me

All they know
is to stay

is there a word
for that feeling
where you know
it shouldn't be there
but you let it
sit inside you
because the sting
reminds you
of love

Vibrations turn into
eclectic sounds
A symphony that plays
feebly in the tangles of
my clouded mind

There are scarce moments
in which I can hear clarity
Am able to separate the
clutter of instruments and
settle into my peace

most of the time I
hear just an overwhelming
chaotic unnerving
wrenching rattle of noises

make it stop

My peace comes when
I see glimpses of humanity
Kindness that comes from
a precious resource
human selflessness

be kind to me
I can be your joy

You are silent
comfort and
koala bears

Wrapping human limbs
around tree limbs

Let's both melt
into this bark
so I can

feel your warmth and
forget about
my troubles

Like the tortise came to
finish last you appeared

During a quandry where
I was already cornered
Looking up into the
hollowed and pale face of
failure, pereptual dissatisfaction

I felt you like the sun
wraps its arms around
a body dripping in frigid
lake water

after a jump into the
cool blue which seemed to
stop time

just so I could reach out to
grab your heart
before it could fall out  

I have you now
I've tied you into me

Where the time stopped
our souls got to sit together
for eternity
they would dance into each other

in celebration of our union
they saw the meaning before we did
and we didn't need much time to
notice it too

In this moment
I feel no fear

For the first time
I looked down into
the water and
it's *clear

Young and hopeful
we did not understand
the price we would pay
in the end

We could not
grasp the concept
that what feels
so warm

like the Autumn sun
on our backs
the summer I
came back to you

In the cloudy
lake water where
your desire turned
into my fear

and I yearned to
satisfy you so
badly that I
never said stop

could turn into
the unintelligible
anguish which still
feels fresh

you are the blue and golden valleys
glistening in solitude

unexplored and solemn
frozen in dark fabric

I want so badly to reach my hands
feel the way you curve

But temptation is fatal
and you are my death

heavy weights pulling                  your
                                                       ­      mind into dead end streets
                                                         ­    that once looked like happiness
illusions made to keep us moving
                                                          ­    false hope
patterns we like to contrive for comfort
             but comfort is only the brief graze of
                                                          your  ­hand
                         or the flutter of eyelashes
                                 that dance into my heart
                                           *like morning birds

You are back
You embrace me

"It's okay to feel"
"I've never felt this way before"

I am intoxicated
You love me

I am intoxicated
You make love to me  

The night is gone
It has taken you away again  

But you still remain
A part of me

You are a smooth
stone Warm
under a setting sun

Radiating a heat
that draws me in
to hold you

with a scent
that lingers
in my hair and

reminds me of
the comfort
that is you

Tell me you want me
under your sheets

I'm a bit hollow these days

let's talk about it later
just take off your clothes for now

I want to swim
    in lakes with you
      and stare at stars
        and climb up mountains
          and sleep in tents
             and play with bugs
               and wrestle in mud
                                               and
                                               also
                                             maybe
kiss you

The smell of stale cigarettes and
the moons reflection off a damp street
Somewhere in Europe
Dead, hopeless with
beggars staggering along alleyways

You are lost like those beggars
yet wish to be in their place
i'm stuck here

Darling,
nobody's holding you down

an unfamiliar place
filled with darkened
people with minds that
seem to understand so
differently than I or you

preoccupied with  
how short her dress was or
if she danced too much or
if she had a sip of alcohol or
if she'll ever find a husband

what about him? I wonder

but anyways it can't be much better
in a society that propagates
male privilege in the form of
a different set of accepted
social standards

No matter how familiar
or unfamiliar the place
I am followed by this
****** UP
petty judgment which
shackles me with guilt

But when I look up
and see the natural beauty
which sees no standards
I scream out in gratitude
and the guilt evaporates

*I am free

What happened
to all of your
love

Did you lose it
in new orleans
buried

Beneath that sweater
you were looking for
when I built up

The courage
to call you and
tell you how i've been

I understand
why
people feel a god

Intensity of feeling
confusion of being
wonder of surroundings

how can it be explained?

convenience of a      Book
comfort of a                         group
acceptance of                                   ignorance

but
this
is
not  
explanation

                                                    these are vices

Sometimes
I wish I did believe

Then I remember
I  like to think.

You are the smell of
Freshly blown out
Birthday candles

On a cake
Littered with
Wax droppings

We waited for you

And your arrival
Brought memories
To the better times

Way back when
It seemed like you
Came around more often

where I pushed you away from me because I loved you too much

but now I see you love somebody else too much and

I can't help but wonder

There was once a time where
I felt so strongly
Within me was an eagerness
cradled by a fire that only
inexperience could kindle

I plunged blindly into
the depths of feeling
unaware that death lied ahead

but o the death did come
with it's menacing smoky
pain. Paralyzed me like a shock,
electricity unexpected and cold

Left me dumped in the stagnant
waters of struck-down lovers
who hadn't quite learned yet

Here I float
face down and
all the wiser