Every person I've known and loved,
knows of you too. By name.

Its not that I remember you
cause I never forgot,
but when I actually think back
I instantaneously get lost.

I get lost in the current,
tension in the waters,
wondering your distance,
the sloshing in my stomach.

The waves of each emotion
crashing the time thats still passing
starting to feel slow motion,
the regret still amassing

and its never a regret of you.
its my disturbance,
the ripples I sent before I could've stayed.
So I've remained at bay.
Sitting. Waiting. Wadding.
treading. dreading. debating.

I cant send blame when I sent you away.
I send out a line.
ring once. twice. stop trying?
Know i've been attempted to do whats best
even if its putting this to rest.
Ive disturbed the peace.
once. twice. more? before.
I settle on the sea floor.
I have found peace in the still
counting krill. growing gills.

I can breathe now.
Head under water.
Find peace now.
though my love has never faltered.

I could live this way.
I just don't want to.

Showing up to speak yet having nothing to say
bleeding all over the place,
dropping seeds and moving away,
arguably complacent,
counting down each second of the day.
I have no time to feel sorry
and all time to never stop trying.
to never stop fighting
even while crying,
to feel my feelings and grit my teeth,
process the trauma, practice belief.

I went from regression to progressing.
Back to where I first hid and was
pawned to the highest bid
afflicted by inflictions
pained by inflections
ignored by the witness
so I tourniquet the burdened kid
I'm no superman if not for my own life
just a guiding light for those whose will is fight
and a narcissists kryptonite.

first time I ever wrote a real letter
6 pages
ill never send
it holds the truth
mine.
and sending it would likely only benefit me
so ill keep it.
but if you come across this.
I love you.
always have.
always will.
my distorted sense of saving was to our detriment.
I will always want you.
It was always you, even when I lied to purposely push you away.
my doors always open.
im sorry. for everytime ive left. and every bit of pain I caused you.
youre brilliant. strong. beautiful.
I wish things couldve been different.
I wish we couldve really tried.
Id give you forever.
I hope youre happy and if youre not, I hope you get everything you ever wanted, even if it isnt with me.

Chemistry but lacks poetry.
Is it in the worth on the other side
or am I better off not trying?

Is poetry abrupt or slow building?
Is that the quiet difference
between poetry and prose?
Like the subtle, sometimes unknown
reason behind the colors of a rose..
Subtle still doesn't negate the fact
that there IS a difference...
Even if it's only known by
gifter and/or the beholder.

and I think thats what I'm getting at.