I often ponder why all of the thoughts in my head won't ever repent
I sit in isolated silence sickenly sticking together my sins
Into a monster of evident evil that I cannot ever repent
I sit in isolate silence saying I'm better off dead in my head
I keep on pacing and pacing and pondering all of the opportunities
I've lost and
The chaining of wailing and screaming is muted by isolate silencing
I am repressing the screams out for help that I want to ignite and
I cant seem to expel all my feelings because I'm trapped deep inside of the dark of the night and
I just keep been praying with faithless intent for someone to shed
light and
All the self hatred, pity, and loathe builds up to a wall that I cannot subside, and I
Feel so alone in my head, the condition of pain is keeping me pressed
against, the wall i build up inside of my head, that blocks off all faith that I had
I'm alone in my head, and it seems can't ever never relax
I feel like I'm gonna crash, I feel like I'm gonna burst
Load up some lead in the back of my throat, blow out the back just to end out my course.

'' Honestly, all of this cynical rhetoric's simply absurd
  Every person has worth. All that are birthed from this earth
  shall have definite meaning, your pleading and screaming,
  I can assure, will be heard. No longer shall you feel hurt.
  Loosen the binds to your mind you have sewn to the ground,
  they confine all your thoughts and leave darkness so clouded.
  Remember, remember, through all of your respite. Every
  memory leaving a spark in your eye. Cause, in what better a
  place do we look to the stars than inside of the dark of the night?''


~ And the man sighed deeply, setting down the 9 mm pistol... ~

Eheh, so it's gonna end like this, huh?

Funny, I said it would be this way from the start.
You finally realizing how incredibly crippling and strangling my neediness gets.
You finally realizing how my insecurities hide my emotions.
You finally realizing how I can't seem to accept the fact of it.
You finally realizing just how ****** up my head really is.

And yet, you told me it would be forever, and you told me you kept your promises.
Then again, who am I to talk about those?

I told you I'd change.
I told you I'd heal my wounds.
I told you I'd express myself.
I told you I'd stop repressing my emotions.
I told you I'd let you go if you wanted me to.

And yet, I still haven't done it.
I still haven't gotten over my pain.
I still haven't figured out why I hate myself so much.

But, I did go half the way.

I showed you my ****** poems that you adored.
I told you about my problems when I was feeling like ****.
I let you go when you said you didn't think we should be together.

Well, I guess I should've done it all at once.
Maybe I wouldn't have lost my emotions and went numb all over again.

But, to be fair, I opened up to you and it ended just as I said it would.

Eheh, maybe it's a bit to late for me to say that I do believe you love me.

But, as long as you're happy, I can manage.

I was keeping my scars closed in front of you even before you cared about them.

I sit in the dark as the water drops from the leaves.
A car drives by with immeasurable speed.
I sit in the dark as I hopefully plead for silence.

I sit in the dark cause the day is so loud.
The screaming, the crashing, **** all of the sounds.
I clasp at my ears and my heart starts to pound.
I plead for release from this world so profound.
I plead for just a little bit of silence.

The quiets relaxing, nothing to take in.
You no longer analyze, you no longer sin.
But the dark is the only place it's ever found.
I sit in wait patiently waiting for silence.

The ring in my ears comes so fondly and often.
The pounding of audio leaves them so softened.
Battered by music and screaming and crashing.
Rarely ever nurtured by silence.

I'm up too **** late cause I crave for release.
The day so exhausting, to tired to sleep.
I sit and I wait, but the pain, it still stings.
The ringing in my ears won't ever ******* leave.
I just want to leave, this sound ******* *****.
Maybe I'll **** the sound with the bang of a gun.
Because what else do you hear after explosions of sound.
That rupsure your ears, make a shake on the ground.
Startles you in the moment, until you've stopped and found.
The quiet that followed the explosion of sound.
And that's all I want.
Just a bit of ******* silence.

See, a lot of people I know love to be out and about.
They love to live life by going to work, getting off, spending time with loved ones, drinking a beer or two, coming home, kicking off their shoes, heading off to sleep, and then waking back up in the morning to do it all again.
Well, not me.
Leaving my bed is a struggle, so work is difficult to maintain, and when I finish whats mandatory for me, I usually just end up going to relax again. Being out with my family exhausts me, and alcohol only dazes my senses, so, it's sort of a waste for me. I'd rather just lay back down and rest. Rest and rest without doing anything, like I've worked myself too
much and need respite from the stress.
I'm relaxing with no real reason, I suppose.
At least, that's what it looks like.
See, I stress a lot. My mind is like a gym inside a cage inside my heart, my blood races out of it, controlling my legs and my arms, forcing me to get up is like running a hundred yards. And while my mind is confined, my body sits and lies, resting idly while my mind sits in wait of a reason to stand again. I suppose it sees no reason to stand on it's own unless mandatory. In general terms, I mean.
And on the few times I'm not asleep, I sit in silent thought as my mind wanders in itself clouded with the fog of it's own thoughts, like my thoughts cloud themselves by being themselves. Maybe it's just easier to  not think at all and put my brain on the shelf, leave it at home while I head out for the day.
No, I can't take my brain out of my heart and my cage, my mind is locked far away in myself. Feels like it's always been that way, even though I remember the days when I wasn't all locked away. I guess the days seem longer when they aren't so far away. And when I say far away, I mean unreachable yet visible, like I'm stargazing in the middle of the day.
Gazing at the distant memories that were lost to the time that I wasted away laying in bed not wanting to be awake.
I'm just lazy though.