What they say must be true
That absence makes the heart grow fonder
Since these days my mind seems to wander
To the girl I said I was
Since all of this is beyond her

Tell me I am worth an aching heart
Tell me I am worth someone's letters
Tell me me this pain gets better
So I am not alone during January
Wearing no one's sweater

I am no beauty in the valley
So I hope my song compensates
And the field I dominate
With my rambling words
Each word I agnominate

Please don't laugh aloud
About the puddles of my tears
They are filled with so many fears
And genuine disappointment
When the devil reappears

Cancel my empty meetings
For the things I find pleasing
Life has come to no meaning
And all that I've loved
Is ever decreasing

I'm going to be the dirt
And maybe even the dust
That the passerbys walk all over
When the sun has set
And the smiles have settled
All will be reminiscent
Except me
The grime on the ground
For I have nothing to find nostalgic
No smile to love
No kiss to crave
And that utter terror
Of being left alone
While the crowds move along
Is what keeps my eyes open
When the sun is close to rising

Loud background
And a louder setting
My heart thumps loudly
The sound I’m forgetting

I don't want to feel this way
At least I think I don't
Why would I want a venom so toxic
It infects my neurons for months?
I don't want to feel this way
At least I hope I don't
Why would I want a sun so bright
It burns into my retina?
I don't want to feel this way
At least I pretend I don't
Why would I want a wave so large
It rolls down my face persistently?
I don't want to feel this way
At least I assume I don't
Why would I want a horrible earthquake
That sends shakes into my heart?
I don't want to feel this way
At least I decide I don't
Why would I want a buzzing bug
That follows me perfusely?

God I call apon you now
To try and help me find
A want to stop feeling
And leave this all behind

How utterly terrifying it is
To think this beast in the mirror
Will die alone
While they're all holding hands
And discussing future plans
It's a deep disparity
Deep into my denial
Deep into my hope
I'm deathly afraid
I'll be staring at books
Instead of a longing gaze
With a honeymoon phase
I'll be singing my own vows
Towards the beast in the mirror

You're like a race
A car pushing 180
But you're miles away
Driving so far into the sunset
You might fall off the edge of the world.
Every now and then
You'll drive close to my heart
Before rushing off again
Far away into the horizon.
My head spins faster than those charcoal tires
And my heart beats faster than your radio
My eyes leak like gasoline
And my mind roars like motors
Everytime your taillights become specks

Stop revving your engine
And driving round my block
If you'll never find my address

My words are filled with promise
Promise I will soon forget
To keep the Weight of commitment
Far from my consciousness
And far from compunction

Distractions are my new friend
A friend I might resent
For keeping my will repressed
And building habits
That are so hard to break

Blaming is like breathing
The remedy to my illness
Similar to lobotomies
Bloodletting
And trepanation

I take quiet footsteps
Past all my mistakes
Can't let them wake up
Last time that happened
I never talked to him again

Doubt chases me
When I am not moving
Especially when I'm feeling tired
When my hands are shaking
And it's Sunday night

There is a blade within my heart
And through my tears
I cannot see what poison lies atop it
What is contained within the green stain
Perhaps the birth givers screams
Perhaps the taunts of the children
Perhaps the pills in the orange bottle
Perhaps the heritage in my blood
Perhaps the snakes I called confidants
Perhaps the scars apon my body
Perhaps the lifelong letter markings
Perhaps the city and it's streets
Perhaps the changing temperatures
Perhaps the lonely lunch table
Perhaps the girl who shoved my chair
Perhaps the boy I can't forget
Perhaps the sisterhoods stolen
Perhaps the 7 story garage
Perhaps the food within my teeth
Perhaps the distance of disease
Perhaps the three digit number
Perhaps the tunes I have not heard
Perhaps the numbers I stare down at

There was never any poison on the blade
The green illusion a distraction

For when my tears clear
I find what I should truly fear
Is the reflection on the sword

Please hold my hand tighter
As you dangle me off this cliff
The bottom is filled with spiders
And all the poems I've wrote
All the poems with your name
All the poems stained with tears

Please let my heart go
Let me float into the sky
Up there I'll find refuge
And all the joys I wish to have
All the joys I've been hoping for
All the joys without you in them

Pale gasses
Circle barren branches
And the wind will swoon
For a beautiful quiet room

I invest my love in dark corners
Hoping i might bring them light
I am no diffrent than the sun
Rising each morning
Hoping to turn the shadows light
But that will never happen
Because the tree overhead
Will never leave
Casting it's shadow on the ground
So I rise like the sun
And fail everyday
To turn a lost cause forward
Forward And up
Forward to the light
That I find so beautiful

A goose chase
A bird with beautiful feathers
And I know he's a weak wooden match
And the farther I run after him
The thicker the forest becomes
My feet are getting stuck in the mud
And the shadows keep getting darker
But I can't escape his golden feathers
Drawing me closer
Closer than I want to be
Because the branches are scratching at my face
And the pollen burns my eyes
But the sound of the bird is so beautiful
And I can't draw my ears away
Every tree looks familiar
Yet I am so so lost
Within this horrible jungle
But all i see within the pain
Is a beautiful golden goose
Just slightly out of reach

Saturated in lies
Your hands are soaked with tears
I have held up your spine
For far too many years
You blame trust on your home
The past hurts your head
But somehow every word
Is about something someones said
Can't see your own flaws
Yet you hate them so much
Doesn't really matter
if problems are left untouched
Your fingers always point
You would die if you reversed
Its eating up your flesh
Choose which will **** you first
And I know stones are heavy
And you might not be ready
But it’d be nice if you could start
My hands will soon fall apart

All you do is sit
sit and cry
sit and mourn
sit and panic
sit and stare
You sit when your legs ache from sitting
Where are you sitting?
In the dome you've encapsulated yourself in
You have nothing better to do than sit
Sit and breathe
Sit and hide
Sit and avoid
Sit and tremble
Why can't you see what the rest of us do
That you're running out of air in there
We reach for you
So you might get up
Because you constantly sit
Sit and rage
Sit and mope
Sit and pretend
Sit and reject
What is the cement made of
Holding up your capsule
Your fears and vulnerability
Proof you built these walls
Proof youre the only who can change this
I pray you stand
Stand and maintain
Stand and relax
Stand and bond
Stand and feel
Because all you do is sit.

Creep along the lines
Of the boundaries I've made
And pound on the walls
You have no regard for these margins
That I set for protection
Against that inevitable spiral
When I think you're a beauty
And no one else is right for me
And my crys won't make a sound
When I let those barriers down
For the 100th time in a row

Is the sun setting faster in summer
Or am I just sinking below the horizon
Sinking into a metal
The color of wine
The viscosity of syrup
The taste of an iron fist
The scent of regret

Are the days going faster in autumn
Or am I just falling away from time
Falling into a space
That looks like a grave
That feels like an abyss
That tastes like tears
That smells like a storm

Do the winds die faster in winter
Or am I just fading far from the tempest
Fading into a pain
So twisted and rotten
So dreadful and thick
So bitter and distasteful
So putrid and stale

Why should love end faster in spring
Or am I just descending away from reality
Descending into an obscurity
Of light and darkness
Of heat and chill
Of sweet and sour
Of pleasant and horrid

Every solstice and equinox is like a new hurdle

Am I the spider in the corner
Weaving a sticky web
So I might catch a beautiful bug
A bug I can hold onto
Wrap up and keep
So carefully I design this web
A thread of fear
A thread of vulnerability
A thread of confidence
But the only thing the bug will see
Is the facade of my design
Never truly knowing
How trapped he will truly become

Attraction to attraction
I'm running around the boardwalk
The sun is igniting my hair
And I listen to the seaguls talk.
Some of these games cost a lot
But I brought money to spare
Some of these games win me prizes
But that's not why I'm here.
The smell of food is strong
My senses are alert
There's sand and shells in my shoe
But this place blinds the hurt.
Through my fun and games
Lies a restless cloud
But he's easily ignored
Since this fair is far too loud.
Each feature is enticing
I'm hooked on all these booths
The thunder starts to rumble
But I'm blocking out the truth.
The carousel matches the spinning storm
And the roller coasters zoom like lightning
There still so much to try
The possibilitys are frightening.
I smell the moist air
And I feel a drop or two
But it's ok for now I hope
There's still so much to do.
The crowds they start to disipate
In lines I stand alone
The gale has just arrived
But the people head on home.
Dread fills my core
But my feet they keep moving
My laughter is loud
But fear keeps intruding.
And like a dam breaking
The sky pores down a flood
Now the air is cold
And the sands thick like blood.
Now I'm here listless
With nothing to do
All the attractions have closed
And my disparity brews.
No one to turn to
No shelter or shade
I think i was just waiting
For the rain on my parade.

I think I might be broken
But not the fun broken
Where the boy puts me back together.
The type of broken that everyone avoids
The messy angry broken
The horribly guilty broken
The disgusting miserable broken.
Sometimes I can't fall sleep at night
Because im scared I'm too broken
For any toolbox
any diagnoses
And any prayer.
All these people
And all these outfits
Are ****** glue sticks
I found under my bed.
I wonder every now and then
Who was holding the hammer
When I fell to peices
Mayve it doesn't even matter.
When I broke I bled
So much blood that I drowned
And now my sheets are stained.
Nothing I do is real these days
Because all of its a distraction
All of its a problem
All of its a disease
None of its life.

You know you're in darkness
When the lights become brighter.
How odd is the night
The stars are on fire
Yet the air is ice.
The fan in my room
Drys up my hot tears.
Every electrical wire
Had a charge with a purpose
A safe place to go.
Wires are strangling cords
Given to the children of today.
There was a baby in her belly
Did she know how'd she turn up
A hideous creature.
The future is less of a line
And more like a rubber band.
I tie my hair up
When I want to feel the sun
And when the sun gets too hot.
The sun has a troubled brother
They call him dim moon.
The moon barley sheds light
Do not be discouraged
Everyone knows his name.
You know you're in darkness
When the lights become brighter.

There's a precipice I reach
Everyrime you cross my mind
Like a beckoning to be happy
But I'm not sure what lies at the bottom
Of this coaxing cliff
So I don't think I'll get any closer
Unless my heart pushes me over the edge
Which I fear it might do

I tend to follow strings
That lead no where
Sometimes even
They dangle off dark trenches
And I'm such a fool
I follow them to my doom

I lock all my doors
With bolts and keys
You're always pounding on the doors
And I always let you in
If your knuckles are already bruised
Might as well knock some sense into me

I light fires
That I don't know how put out
[  ] Sometimes I find hoses
And I'm filled with hope
Unfortunately
I don't know how those work either

I keep crashing cars
On the sides of mountains
The radio sings like molasses
Not a soul around
And yet I still always manage
To blame the traffic in the city

I forget the time
And the dates on the calender
When the sun sets on my face
All I truly know
Is another day is done
And another day is wasted

Tower over my heart
And spit onto my veins
Hold your grip on my mind
And bite into my brain
The bruises they shine purple
The slashes start to scab
My cheeks are wet like foggy air
Each tear is full of sad
The pain is like a thorny bush
Green yet full of death
I can barley breath
Yet ill still analyze your breath
I'm getting high on your cruel words
Careless and full of greed
The spiders poison still brings it fame
Your attentions what I need
Any hate I feel fades fast
The torture melts to sunshine
A fleeting storm that cannot last
Replaced by warmth I claim as mine
I am slowly burning
In your boiling sea
But the sky is just too cold
And I don't know how to be free