My words are failing me
I write and write
But nothing makes sense.
The rhythm of my pen seems to be off key
The melody is incomplete
I fail to fully express myself
As if I’ve lost the authenticity of my old writings
As if i lost myself trying to fix my brokenness
It hurts.
It hurts like paper cuts and my toe stubbed against the hard white wall
It hurts like me falling asleep on a pillow dampened by hushed cries
I
Am
Blocked
Cut off from myself
It hurts like the reality of my nonexistent relationship with my father
And how I fill that void with breaking boys’ hearts
It hurts like my mother’s never ending stress, bills that pile up
The material things I want vs necessities , her shoes giving up on her after years of use
It hurts like the pills I swallowed in the hopes of breathing my last breath and the disappointment upon waking up to a mental incarceration
It stings like the words my grandmother throws around unintentionally
And the laughter of kids who didn’t approve of my silent ways
It hurts like the recurring visions of the shack and the baggage I dragged with me afterwards
It hurts like me being scared of water, fearing it pull me under
and crash over me like the promises that were never kept
It hurts like me being unable to speak because I fear no one will listen
It hurts like my heart beating hard against my chest and the doctor not prescribing anything

I am the kid in the back
with the afro so black
My first name is Amandla
Although i never knew it was mine
Mind over matter
Grandfather had lost his in the mines
Put me through school, hoping my poetry would rhyme
Time and time again, i lost my power to a mime
Trapped in a box, society’s ills been intertwined
Swallow a pill, hoping that we would never rewind
We’re begging for signals, searching for things we already hold deep inside
How many times
Asking for signs
We closed the blinds to our eyes
The wise are dead
Or instead we ignore their words, like the Ts and Cs on our TVs
The songs i wish our hearts would sing
Desires a shooting star can’t bring
The mocking bird that never used it’s wings

Baby girl
I love your wide hips, thick lips and how you try to cover up your weakness
See it's only a matter of time till you realise that you **** this
And my eyes are blessed to witness
Your brown skin, your crown Queen
Girl you're sure to win
And in your direction blows the wind
Paying homage to your every single thin'
Your smile isn't a sin
And though you hide it, it is always what I'm seekin'
Blessed at every moment you are breathin'
Darling i adore your sweetness
You're a sweet mess
Your queerness
How i wish to die in your wilderness
And well los’ the rest
You're my princess
But you will never be in distress
And if you are, you'll be able to deattach
Free at last

How long does it take to fall in love? With you it took one chorus to one song about drugs. The short lived sensation when my fingers briefly brushed upon yours as you passed me a glass of gin was enough. We lost contact. I forced feelings for people who couldn't see me for who i was. You carried on with your life.

You ask again how long does it take to fall in love?
With you a double tap on Instagram. I was hoping you'd remember me. After all these months it seems i imprinted on you. The shy girl with the blonde braids who didn't say much but laughed a lot seemed to have lingered in your prefrontal cortex. I wasn't sure i could love you. But here we are

How long does it take to fall in love?
With myself? It's nearly been 17 years and i still haven't fully learned to love myself. I quarrel with feelings of inferiority, struggles of immaturity and the notions that loving myself is rooted in immorality because the bible said beauty is vain. I can not answer you but should you ask again how long did it take to fall in love with you.
I'll tell you it took one hug, stolen during times of self isolation. It took one trip to buy bread and an appropriated kiss. It took one conversation about ambitions. It took another conversation about life's hardships. It took however long it takes for your pinkie to hook into mine to seal promises we make to each other.