they tell me i'm broken
then don't try to fix me
they tell me i'm dying
then walk away quickly
and what a hard truth it is to find
that mama doesn't love me
and daddy said goodbye
grandma doesn't care
and now i'm going to die
they can't see that i'm drowning
to them i'm already gone
but here i am floundering
i can't carry on
i've lost all sense of hope
i can't live a lie
pills or a rope?
what's the best way to die?
but now you've come along
with those beautiful eyes
your words like a song
you break through my disguise
your hand against mine
gives me a thrill
you make me realize it's not me
that i want to ****
you pick me up
and carry me through
and now there is something that i need to do
do i tell you i love you
and wait for the pain?
or do i keep on pretending
and open my veins?
i need you
i miss you
i'm longing to kiss you
because you said i'm not broken
but you still tried to fix me
you said i'm not dying
and stayed around even though i am sickly
and you say that you love me
and you'll never tell me goodbye
you tell me you care
and you won't let me die

images flicker on a silver screen
frozen in time for all the world to see
captured moments stored away
taping every step you take or word you say
movies are much more than they seem
they're not just a monotonous series of scenes
they're beautiful memories and works of art
that have captured our history, and stolen our hearts.

when i confessed to my mother the sins i had unleashed onto my own skin,
the zigzag scars crisscrossing my milky white thighs
as we sat on the couch sipping tea
i have many regrets of the things i repressed,
and my answers to the questions she asked

when we sat crying on the couch that first night,
i wish i'd said,
"i'm so depressed that everything takes up too much energy,
even breathing."
instead of,
"i just feel really overwhelmed."
maybe then, she wouldn't have decided that the road to recovery needed only a math tutor
and a 24-hour suicide watch

when she asked me, gently
if we should tell my grandmother
i wish i'd said,
"no, because she's always been part of the problem."
instead of nodding my head yes,
even while my eyes screamed the word no

when she forced me to go to therapy,
and asked me if it was helping
i wish i'd said,
"no. i'm broken so irreparably that a kind hearted, naive woman could not begin to put the pieces back together."
instead of,
"yeah, mom. she's nice."
as i started to dread the thursday afternoons spent sitting on her couch, trying to distract both her and myself
from the manic depressive elephant in the room

you don't even see me
you look right through
you've made up your mind
about what i'm going to do
i have no choice
you don't hear my voice
you decide it's a lie
and can't hear me cry
there's so many things
that i can't tell you
you ask me to speak
then condemn me when i do
your secretive ways
taught me that lying pays
and i'm learning to deceive
as you're yearning to receive
the secrets that i keep
the lies that i tell
the truth that you seek
and the way that i fell
you don't even care
so leave me alone
i'll whisper a prayer
and dive into the unknown

your thigh, pressed tight against mine
the shared heat of our bodies travelling up to the blush on my cheeks as you recited poetry,
your voice, nothing more than a whisper,
i could feel each syllable of beauty on the crook of my neck as you inhaled and exhaled each word,
the letters tangled together in my brain, paying no attention to what you were saying, but how you said it,
the way the words consumed you, the way you spoke as if you didn't say these words right now they might somehow cease to exist

and this poetry you quoted in my ear must have been murmured in a hundred different ways, between a thousand different lovers, but it seemed like it was meant only for me
your voice the soundtrack of my mind, as i closed my eyes and soared to different galaxies, fantasy images of you and i, exploring the night sky and filling it with laughter and passionate kisses
to me you were the only person alive
the hitch in your breath bringing me crashing down to the reality of the school building, and the many people that filled its halls

you finished the poem, a little smile dancing across your face
and you told me how much you loved this poet, and as i watched your eyes shining with admiration, i prayed to whatever god would listen that someday you may learn to love me just as much

keeping secrets, telling lies
hiding behind this disguise.
nobody knows, i steal and sneak
wouldn't you love to take a peek,
at the private life that i lead?
i want a lot, but it's you i need.

i wish i could tell you, what is and isn't true;
i know that i have to, but i hate to lie to you.
you are the one with whom i share all of my deepest fears,
and you are the one who i want to wipe away my falling tears.
of all the friends i've had, you're the one i want to keep,
and it's only you that can put my anxious mind to sleep.
so i'll man up, and take any punch they throw
just for the chance to tell you what i want you to know.