My brother,
Mama worked 14 hour days and we didn't have a Daddy
I was only a kid, but now I realize, so were you
And you shouldn't have had to become a father at sixteen, but you were just trying to fill up the empty spaces in our jumbled lives and too-big house
But life with you was anything but empty
There were so many things you could have done at that age, but you didn't because you were far too busy taking care of a little blonde girl who looked at you as though you were the moon and stars and she had never seen the night sky before
I remember sitting on your lap, one hand wrapped around my waist, the other holding a pen, as you tried to finish your homework, while still helping me with mine
And I remember the nights when Mama came home too exhausted to speak, and you tried to cook us dinner, even though all you knew how to make was discount frozen pizza

Brother,
You were always waiting for me with a joke or a smile
Never anything but gentle
But there were days when the world handed you hatred and pain until you couldn't help but to unleash the demons that were hiding right below the surface
You would lose your temper and shout at me, every second your voice was raised was another second of tears streaming down my face
And I know you felt guilty, but I forgive you
You were only a child

Brother,
Do you remember Saturday mornings on the living room floor?
We used to watch cartoons together, sprawled out on the rug, your eyes were glued to the screen, watching Batman and Superman and all the rest fly across the sky
I never paid any attention to them, my eyes stayed glued to you, because you were always my favorite superhero

Brother,
I remember when you would pick me up after I fell on the sidewalk and scraped my knee
You were always there to stand me right back up once I fell
I saw the world from atop your shoulders
And when we watched Sleeping Beauty together you told me to never be a damsel in the distress, but to be the dragon instead
And I have always felt safe with you because I knew no matter how far I fell or how badly I was hurt, you would always be there to carry me

And now, brother, look at you,
You're 25 now, and younger than ever
You no longer have the burden of a child who expected you to shine as brilliantly as a constellation
You can relax and let the weight of my six year old body fall from your shoulders
Mama doesn't work quite as much, and you and I aren't quite as close
But maybe that's okay, because a bond like this can't ever be broken, as the shared experience of my first years on this earth tie us together
And I know that no matter how far I go, I'll always be tethered to you
At 15, I know that you don't have superpowers and I'll never be dragon, or a princess
But I do know that you keep teaching me new ways to be strong
And you know that whatever happens in life, we'll do it together, because we are comrades, perfect halves, best friends, siblings
And I look forward to the day when I'm strong enough to carry you.

images flicker on a silver screen
frozen in time for all the world to see
captured moments stored away
taping every step you take or word you say
movies are much more than they seem
they're not just a monotonous series of scenes
they're beautiful memories and works of art
that have captured our history, and stolen our hearts.

when i confessed to my mother the sins i had unleashed onto my own skin,
the zigzag scars crisscrossing my milky white thighs
as we sat on the couch sipping tea
i have many regrets of the things i repressed,
and my answers to the questions she asked

when we sat crying on the couch that first night,
i wish i'd said,
"i'm so depressed that everything takes up too much energy,
even breathing."
instead of,
"i just feel really overwhelmed."
maybe then, she wouldn't have decided that the road to recovery needed only a math tutor
and a 24-hour suicide watch

when she asked me, gently
if we should tell my grandmother
i wish i'd said,
"no, because she's always been part of the problem."
instead of nodding my head yes,
even while my eyes screamed the word no

when she forced me to go to therapy,
and asked me if it was helping
i wish i'd said,
"no. i'm broken so irreparably that a kind hearted, naive woman could not begin to put the pieces back together."
instead of,
"yeah, mom. she's nice."
as i started to dread the thursday afternoons spent sitting on her couch, trying to distract both her and myself
from the manic depressive elephant in the room

you don't even see me
you look right through
you've made up your mind
about what i'm going to do
i have no choice
you don't hear my voice
you decide it's a lie
and can't hear me cry
there's so many things
that i can't tell you
you ask me to speak
then condemn me when i do
your secretive ways
taught me that lying pays
and i'm learning to deceive
as you're yearning to receive
the secrets that i keep
the lies that i tell
the truth that you seek
and the way that i fell
you don't even care
so leave me alone
i'll whisper a prayer
and dive into the unknown

keeping secrets, telling lies
hiding behind this disguise.
nobody knows, i steal and sneak
wouldn't you love to take a peek,
at the private life that i lead?
i want a lot, but it's you i need.

i wish i could tell you, what is and isn't true;
i know that i have to, but i hate to lie to you.
you are the one with whom i share all of my deepest fears,
and you are the one who i want to wipe away my falling tears.
of all the friends i've had, you're the one i want to keep,
and it's only you that can put my anxious mind to sleep.
so i'll man up, and take any punch they throw
just for the chance to tell you what i want you to know.

your thigh, pressed tight against mine
the shared heat of our bodies travelling up to the blush on my cheeks as you recited poetry,
your voice, nothing more than a whisper,
i could feel each syllable of beauty on the crook of my neck as you inhaled and exhaled each word,
the letters tangled together in my brain, paying no attention to what you were saying, but how you said it,
the way the words consumed you, the way you spoke as if you didn't say these words right now they might somehow cease to exist

and this poetry you quoted in my ear must have been murmured in a hundred different ways, between a thousand different lovers, but it seemed like it was meant only for me
your voice the soundtrack of my mind, as i closed my eyes and soared to different galaxies, fantasy images of you and i, exploring the night sky and filling it with laughter and passionate kisses
to me you were the only person alive
the hitch in your breath bringing me crashing down to the reality of the school building, and the many people that filled its halls

you finished the poem, a little smile dancing across your face
and you told me how much you loved this poet, and as i watched your eyes shining with admiration, i prayed to whatever god would listen that someday you may learn to love me just as much