we see countless magazines every single day
“no, you’re supposed to look this way.”
I can’t believe what I’ve been taught
either you’re pretty or you’re not.
it doesn't matter who you are
or if you’re brighter than a star.
my hands are tied, my words are set
how do I start a brand new thread?
my story is written, already done
who are you to hold the gun?
is it me or is it you,
wearing the dress that is brand new?
your propaganda has taken its toll,
but my combat boots are on a roll.
I’m sick of ideas shoved in our minds
I’m not that stupid, I know your kind.
I’ll kick and shove ‘til I get out of here
now I know there is nothing to fear.
your minds are complacent, your hearts are unkind
I will be the one to step out of line.
so get out of my way; I won’t stop ‘til I’m done
look at me: now I’ve got the gun.

darling, there will be days when our cheeks are slicked wet from the rainstorms within our hearts, when i will be rendered unable to disengage from the safety of my blankets, when i will ask for you to hold me until i no longer feel as if i am breaking.  there will be nights when i smoke countless cigarettes until my throat is ragged & it is easier not to speak, when i will not allow myself to eat because i believe i do not deserve it, when i will call long after you have fallen to sleep, desperately seeking your voice through the static because i am afraid i will forget the way it resonates in my eardrums.

but even this certain pain, my love, my own one, will make us better.  you will see me destroyed & vulnerable, flawed with need.  we will strip each other bare to our truest of selves & fall in love with that sheer beauty beneath.  i give you my undying adoration, the ever-present reaching of my arms, my boundless, uncontained love.  

you are the spark of stars illuminating my night sky, you are coursing with urgency through my bloodstream, you are everywhere & our time is now.  i will love you fragile.  i will love you strong.  
oh darling, i will kiss your fingertips each & every night before together we dream.

These are the kids you spent nearly every waking moment with for 12 years
These are the kids with whom you drank your first beer.
The ones who lit your first cigarette.
These are the kids that taught you to inhale and exhale, not just the smoke, but life too.
These are the kids that approved your first guy.
These are the kids that stepped up when that guy messed up.
These are the kids that picked you up after heartbreak
These are also the kids that broke your heart.
The ones who can fix anything but not what they've done.
These are the kids that turned into what they always protected you from.
These are the kids that crushed your lungs, making you forget how to inhale and exhale.
These are the kids who's decisions were like a lit cigarette burnt into your skin and the jagged, broken edge of a beer bottle to your head.
These are the kids you have to learn to live every waking moment without.

i found you on the side of the road
like a bright, yellow leaf that just left its home
a shiny penny in the gutter
drowning in the street.
you didn't want to be collected
but good luck getting away without any feet
i won't let you leave
me.

if i ever become a mother
i will clip my wings
and do my best to stay grounded.
my mother -
a flightless bird
got away despite everything
but i will let you put me in a cage
if we have to
i will not
leave you

i promise

the heart is a place of exile and stone
opened: the unwanted are set to roam.
hurt species and minds crushed down to a dust
wilted flowers, dead trees; rain is a must.

thoughts circle like rainfall; heartbeat not so
clouds upon clouds upon friend upon foe.
seas of disappointment flood without fear
some people are happy; that is not here.

cellars of evil and rivers of pain
rope tied around smiles with nothing to gain.
thrones of goodwill beaten down to the floor
exhausted and dying; fighting no more.

some people are happy; that is not this
crying and dying with no touch of bliss.