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 6h Leanne
Muses
I am in the corner of the room
nervous and lonely
where are you?
I search and I pray
If you came around me
would you stay?
The night is black
and the morning is blue
the sun is the light I use
to search for you.
My heart is the pond
that your river runs through
If I am here
where are you?
Oh there you are
sitting on the limb of the tree
that my heart grew

Brian Carson
Nov 2024
I am in the corner of the room
nervous and lonely
where are you?
I search and I pray
If you came around me
would you stay?
The night is black
and the morning is blue
the sun is the light I use
to search for you.
My heart is the pond
that your river runs through
If I am here
where are you?
Oh there you are
sitting on the limb of the tree
that my heart grew
you can buy my love
I am selling it for a song
make it one I know
I want to sing along
is it strange
that my brain
wants to make love
to another brain
or my soul with another soul
on the astral plane
I feel as if I am the only one
who thinks this way
I have searched for a partner
but only found memories
I have searched for a high
that led myself to the floor beneath me
I am constantly reaching
for something, anything
and now I am believing
that I just want someone to want me
for the man I have grown to be
"Dear God,
I seen the fear in her eyes
our sweet baby girl is scared
please allow her to be spared
from whatever spirit is there

she is a beautiful bright lamp
that mustn't be put in a basket or under the bed (luke 8:16)
her heart is over worked and over stressed
the worry and fear circles in her head

That girl is a lily amongst thorns
she is my darling amongst the other women (song of Solomon 2:2)
she must be protected
allow her to accept this hardship
as a pathway to her peace
Amen"
you could cut the ****** tension with a butter knife
but neither one of us really cared about what the other one had to say
with our strange in-congruent lives and our eternal fear of internal pain
it can really take its toll when you are vulnerable

sitting at the end of the street, contemplating the site of the inevitable
I took a right into a spiderweb of streetlights
trickling into the abysmal blackness of the night
you could cut the ****** tension with a butter knife
and neither one of us cared where we stopped
with our reasonably similar motives
and our never ending lust for physical eruption
it can really take its toll when you are vulnerable

I turned the engine off and the crickets went wild
into an awkward silence as our faces splashed together
like the moon sinking into the earth
I disappeared into her mouth and my shoulders sank
my legs went numb as she playfully fault back
in a manner that seemed to be out of her control
the moon sat on the dash like an owl in the trees
my fingers began to clench and her finger nails plowed my skin
sending slim cascades of wine colored blood down my spine
we lie like lions on a tree branch as the sun comes up
breathing in the atmosphere and taking in the sounds
for a brief moment we were in tune with each other
affection seems welcomed and time moves slower
the road back seems longer when the key hits the ignition
everything goes back to normal even the tension
it all builds up then someone gets cut with a butter knife
starving for air
in this cloudy room
gasping for life
with no intention
of leaving any time soon
another day
another f-cking dollar
I hope one day
instead of getting out of bed
I set fire to my sheets instead
then fall back asleep
with the courage
to put a bag over my head
I am only here because of my parents
two kids with nothing better to do
than to smoke dope and make a kid
in the backseat of the car my father
would eventually die in
if there is a point to all of this
someone please tell me
I am running out of theories
the one who stepped in after him
is about to step out
and I have to deal with the fact
that when he does talk
my name comes out of his mouth
and if he goes before I see him
it will be just another hole I live with
another reason to doubt
to seek freedom through love
but the days pass slow
we used to be ants
and now we are slugs
who has time to work for love
when money exists?
and who has the energy to lift a fist
in an effort to fight against
what seems to protects us
providing laws and entertainment
this is mental containment
and it is time to face it
not embrace it
I wish I had a few peacocks
because beautiful colors
give me beautiful thoughts
and I could use that warmth
moving through my head
to heat my shivering heart

I wish I were standing
next to a tree
that was just a seed
planted on the same day
at the first moment
the doctor looked at me
I imagine the air
that I would breathe
would be clear and sweet
and the branches would be
covered in beautiful leaves
protecting me

I wish I were a song
we would all sing
I wish we were better
at being human beings
I wish for everyone
to be everything
When god calls me home
I hope it is a long enough walk-
to think of what I would say to him
I hope I can remember every sin
to properly ask for forgiveness
And I know...
God already knows everything
But I feel obligated to be honest
what if I get to that door and it doesn't open?

I never had to ask permission -
to walk in my grandparents house
they would be offended if I asked
that's how I always imagined -
what heaven is

But what if I were a stranger-
knocking another strangers door
would they let me in?
there is a couple of me
and a couple of everyone else
wandering through the streets
unknowingly searching for their other selves

the wrong one of me
found the right one of you
and I should apologize
for wasting your time

I made rain in a room
while the night brightened the moon
enhancing my reality with clouds
hoping my thoughts would take me to you

I believed that I deserved that gloom
it was alcohol and the blues
that fed the meaningless fuse
leading me to find the right one of me
that might still be searching for the right one of you
I search the night for a spiritual experience
every night
I use my days to justify that experience
and every night
I try to forget that I do this
pissy in a room with four walls
that I cannot believe that I am still in
a cobble stone path I walk
the stones are land and everything else is lava
I hope I do not fall in

It is hard to be who you will be
when you spend all of your years
only analyzing who you have been

maybe happiness is not something to obtain
but a mere reflection of ones personality
it probably hurts to be you
just like it hurts to be me
but there is no reason not to be
constantly smiling
knowing we are all on a rock
constantly spinning
It's foolish to believe this is the ending
Maybe we are just walking towards our beginning
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