A secret a day I keep.
One from you,
One from myself.
One from her,
One from him.
My life is a city surrounded by a wall,
A wall made a secrets.

You once asked me if a monster could be loved.
I said it depended on the monster.
I knew what you were really asking though.
You wanted to know if you could be happy without always looking over your shoulder.
But I didn't have the answer.
I didn't believe you were a monster.
But you always did have to be right, didn't you?
You had to prove me wrong when I said you were a good person.
So you destroyed our friendship.
No chance of reconciliation.
You become the monster you didn't want to be.
I don't know why.
I know that I don't want to help you anymore,
But you already know that.
You made sure of it.

Did you consider the consequences when you left? When you decided your new life was more important,
Did it ever occur to you what it would do to me?
Or was I already a nuisance?
Sometimes I wish you would have left me in that ditch,
I wish you would have left me to my own demise.
But you carried me out,
Then left me alone.
You should have let me die...

What can I say?
I am floating in a cove of pain,
Of forgotten memories and lost quotes,
The silent sobbing no one hears.
Alone in my bed, I am silent.
No one hears the way I weep,
For me, for all of them.
I can no longer remember,
The way laughter truly feels.
I miss laughing until I cried.
Now I just start crying and keep crying.
My face can hold a smile for hours,
Just waiting until its safe to remove it.

What do I do?
I am drifting away from everything, everyone.
I am shutting off my heart,
Closing down my head.
Letting myself fall into the void,
That is easier than feeling.

What could I do?
The numbness keeps me alive.
The feelings would **** me.
Loss,
Misery,
Loneliness,
Suffering,
Regret,
Chaos,
Destructi­on,
That is all I have.
The numbness takes it away.
Silents the swirl of anxiety.

What do I say?
When asked why I never called,
Never texted,
Never replied.
My mind is complacent.
My phone unimportant,
My life irrelevant.
My soul withered.

You have become faded music,
Lost at the end of a memory.
You are an echo of joy,
Yet you bring a storm of grief on my heart.
You were my brother, my friend.
You gave me peace,
And even saved my life once upon a time.
But no longer.
We are shattered,
Destroyed beyond repair.
I no longer have time for regrets.
Like you, I am moving on.
I am creating a melody all my own,
Unstained by your hand.
The choices you made have caused pain.
They have desecrated my heart,
But I will heal and breathe again.
I will cleanse you from my mind.
I will erase you from my memory.
But every now and then,
I'll think back and hear it,
The faded music that reminds me,
Of you.

Lightning and water,
That's what we are.
So attracted to each other,
But together we ****.
Our dreams, our future,
We **** the hour we once had.
A little bit of ******
With every kiss.
With every shared night,
Genocide erupts.
Is it fair for us to be happy
While it kills everyone
And everything we touch?

Each day a new plan to make it my last,
But I keep waking up.
Every sun rise finds me withering in despair.
Why isn't it over?
When will this torment end?
I do not belong here,
On this earth,
In this time period.
A mistake was made.
Let my soul return,
To be recycled,
To a better time,
In a better place.
A time where I can be myself without judgement,
A place where I can learn to thrive.
It is not suicide I dream of ,
But a rebirth.

The metallic taste returns again.
It's here for hours this time.
Nothing can dull the flavor,
Or even weaken it.
It rolls over the tongue,
Thick and pungent.
The smell alone chokes,
Making breathing difficult.
The texture is that of unfiltered syrup,
Overwhelming as it coats all it touches.
The relief, however, is undeniable.
The tension leaves every limb.
The haunted look leaves the eyes.
Color returns to the skin,
Strength returns to the muscles.
I am human again....

I have not gone so long without talking to you in two years.
But this was it,
The straw that broke the camel's back.
Our friendship is shattered,
Gone like the one of a kind vause,
Made by the recently deceased artist.
No remakes or copies to replace what was lost.
Who you are becoming has pushed me away.
The decisions, the choices make me wince,
Make me shed tears of loss and betrayal and frustration.
I cannot comprehend who you are.
I do not recognize the person in front of me.
Your eyes are shallow.
They are colder than ever, darker than before.
You are not the person I cared for, the person who cared for me.
We are strangers who know the secrets of each other.
I pass you and try not to think of Dr. Pepper and cherry *****.
To forget chicken pizza and the jokes we made.
Life is moving and tilting and shifting,
Slowly pushing us further apart.
We could stop it,
If we truly wanted to.
But we are resigned to what fate has deemed necessary.
I cannot accept that you are so callous.
I cannot understand how you became so unfeeling and heartless.
So I do not text.
I do not call.
Instead, I sit in the silence between us,
And it widens this chasm into a canyon.

Is it possible to cry for a ghost?
Not an actual spirit left behind,
But for the shell that walks pass day after day.
They look the same but those who knew then before can tell.
They are no longer there.
They have died within themselves.
The person once known is gone.
Is it normal to mourn the loss that happened but didn't?
Is goodbye still goodbye if they're still here?
Tell me.... Because I can't tell...

You said that you had forgotten.
So I laughed and said me too,
But I hadn’t.
I still remember every inside joke.
I remember every time you made me smile, laugh.
You were my brother, my best friend.
Now I’m in the background.
Just a person from the past,
From a time you no longer want to remember.
So you forgot,
Or at least you say you did.
So I play along,
Like it doesn’t hurt,
I’ll wait until I’m alone,
Then I’ll cry, screaming, and asking
Did I ever really matter?
I can’t ask you without crying,
So when they ask me if I remember,
I’ll laugh and say no,
But I’ll watch your face to see if it hurts.
Then I’ll know.
If you ever really cared.
Until then, I will become numb,
Like you.

Remember when I first met you?
Fast forward three years, sitting on your living room couch.
I asked if you would remember me fifty years from then.
You said you may not remember my name or even my face,
But you could never forget what I meant to you.
Did you mean those words?
Or were they just another experiment?
Was I your friend or your first case study?
Do you remember talking me out of suicide?
Or picking me up out of that ditch?
There were so many times I wished you’d have left me.
I wanted so many times to be dead,
But you were always there.
My very own guardian angel I wanted to go away.
I wish I would have said so many things to you.
So many things I hid from you.
I’m sure you knew I kept my secrets,
But then again so did you.
I know you heard the stories
Of the nights I told you I was home in bed.
You had to of known I was sneaking out to numb the pain.
You were not blind to the marks of the needles
Or the bruises he left after I returned home.
But you let me go time and again.
Did you know I wasn’t ready?
That I couldn’t accept any help?
The help you so desperately wanted to give?
Could you see that I was ready to bolt,
That at the first sign of trouble, I’d be gone?
You said I always had an escape route.
That you didn’t know if I even wanted to be happy.
So why did you bother with me?
Why did you try to help the blonde party girl
With the abusive boyfriend and drug problem?
Was it really because you cared?
Or was I practice for your dream job?
I’m not sure why I’m bothering to ask now.
We never talk and we’re states apart.
I guess I’m curious if those fifty years will even matter.
Do you remember how I made you feel only five years later?
Or am I just another number on a manila folder?
Case studies to analyze, fix, and abandon?
Or was I important to you?
Because I can no longer tell….