I don't know who I'm writing this to
maybe just someone out there
dragging themselves out of bed each morning
not quite ready to face the world
but too tired to stand the loneliness of the night no longer

Maybe you're miles, years, even livesaway
maybe you'll read this one day
and it won't feel so heavy
maybe I will too

until that day
cheers to whoever this finds
heres to a day where it ain't all so lonely

Just wait it out
Wait until the fire burnt out
but you might just get singed by it
might just be engulfed in flames

Used to cry when I was little
used to feel so much pain
It was hard to hide it, hard to pretend
so i'd just cry on and on
Fight fire with fire maybe some water

Now though I just sit there
Wait till the fire burns over
Until it burns out
I've gotten so good at pretending I'm okay
I've even convinced myself

Before I thought one day I'd wake up in bed
Happy with no problems
Peace lying right next to me
no more worries, no more weight
that was what I thought healing was

The older I get I feel like thats not it not even close
Healing isn't a place, a destination
Its a journey, a rhythm, an acceptance

Healing or at least what I think it is
is being okay with having the bad days
not letting them eat you up

Its not about perfect mornings
its about getting up each day
not forgetting what happened the last
but just accepting
but who knows maybe that'll change

They chart my thoughts
Writing in the margins
Label me unstable
Calm hands, cold and cynical

White coats, dead eyes
Dissecting not with blades
But questions that cut deeper
Deeper than my blades could

I am but a test subject
Observed, not understood
Answers become symptoms
Insane at the very least
Driven to the brink of psychosis

Taking notes just a job
I am studied
Just a case in a folder
Patients not people
Not even human

Joints… aching like rusted hinges
Hair… slipping away like autumn leaves
Memory…flaking off like the old paint that covered my walls
Fatigue… like a tide that never recedes

I feel as if
I've carried centuries in a single skin
Lived lives I can’t remember
But still feel in my marrow

And yet
I’m nowhere near the halfway mark

The same clock hands, circling
Almost in slow motion
Same dull rhythmic beating
Routine wears like sandpaper
Smoothing the edges
As the years blur and blow away

Every breath I take
feels as if I'm drowning
Not in water
In silence

Every stroke I can feel it leaving me
The pain, the schedules

Yet when I look up
She has her business
He has full score on SAT and PSAT
Medals and trophies
worn like a second skin

4.0s, bare minimum
They have a legacy
Leaving marks no one can erase

Yet when I look in the mirror
I'm falling so behind
Already almost done with high school
Yet I feel as if I have nothing
done nothing
so empty
so far
so quiet
so...
behind

Goodbyes were never mine
they weren't real
until they were
Because I played make belief
until it was too real not to feel

How do I continue
when the echoes you left
scream in my head

How do I just be
without you
when every thought
leads to you

I can't keep going
every time I close my eyes
you appear laughter sharp and clear

How am I supposed to say goodbye
when I once couldn't dream of a day without you
Goodbye feels too final..

See you again