You can't escape yourself, my mother said.

It was her favorite expression.

Maybe because escaping was my favorite expression.

But you grow older and realize that you can't in fact

escape but merely bring yourself to a new scenery.

Like the Savannah of Africa. Or a diet lifestyle change.

Or a guided meditation

that told me to walk into the lagoon of endless possibilities.

But brought me to the backwaters of my life.

It contained everything I have ever had.

An expensive sofa. And some chandeliers.

And 3 continents and 22 countries.

But myself were nowhere to be seen.

It is a lonely state to feel left out of your own life.

I think that's why we have to visualize

some more expensive trips and a golden doodle puppy

(that we got from a shelter of course)

in our lagoon.

But only if you die and get reborn will you have a new life.

Everything else is environmental.

So I've decided to drink the water instead of bathing in it.

And to stop listening to guided meditations.

My mother might have also said:

Only if you accept that you

have to spend this life with yourself

will you be happy.

But I am not sure.