A pawn I will always play, ‘cause no matter what I will always obey
A grasp; I can’t seem to be released, if anything
Feelings of increase
Choking, gasping for air. She looks down
All she does is stare
She lifts me long enough for one big breath, then puts me back for the test
I see an opening by the door, I can run and grab it no problem
For sure
Then I look upon her face, I see the emptiness to her space
She needs the feeling to be needed, so her hunger
I feed it
‘cause no matter what I’d like to say, in her mind I want to stay
‘cause no matter what I’d like to think, without her I would sink
It’s her I crave, so for her I don’t dare misbehave
9-3-12

Hard to believe, all the anger i achieve
In my mind, you will find
Heart ache and misery
On my face, a smile i place
Hidden from the rest
My thoughts kept secret seems best
for you to see my real side, horror ride
I hide behind a smile, upon miles and miles
I hide my frown, cries making no sound
Emotions i don't share, act as if i don't care
Really i'm scared, never fully prepared
Adding to the list of sins, depths of my anger releases
Burst into a million pieces
My eyes become dark stricken, throat thickens
Body shakes, in control
here comes the overtake
my heart starts to slow, mobility starts to go
It comes alive, striving to survive
Taking over my being, gone forever
no longer seeing
All these times i have over come, ability not there for some
i awaken to the sorrows of my eradication
wondering who's creation
Its me.....

As the rain hits the ground, a repetitive sound
   Things become clear, when there’s something to fear
Lightning strikes, flashing bright
All I can think, I don’t want to blink
A rumbling noise from up in the clouds
Scary and loud
Powers disarm, eyes widen with alarm screams begin to start
I always do wrong, in the eyes of the strong
A devil comes out, in the dead of the night
She’s not herself, this can’t be right
Still I sit, hit after hit
My eyes are swollen, my lip is split
I go to bed against the wall I place my head
Constantly checking to see
waiting to make sure, I was left be
in the morning I awake, my mind plays tricks
it was a dream, it was fake
upon my mirror I see my face, black and blue is what’s been placed
I turn to her, those eyes of fire, they calmed since last night
I think to myself, I know it’s my fault
The drugs she consumes, the toxins
The fumes
My future is spoken, my home life was broken
What I wouldn’t give, for a life worth to live
But my life’s been forsaken, the good deals are taken
So I sit, remembering hit after hit
And still I stay, to take care
To obey
The golden child disappears
In your eyes, I see your tears
The on that always took care, never got respect
But tare
Remember darlin’ who stayed by your side, and who took off to hide
Who was there to listen, and the one in the back
Purposely missing
Who ran the first chance they got, turned on you when caught
You stole my childhood, my thoughts
But with my life that’s not all I fought
Still I was always there, even when times were hard to bare
Empty stomach, torn heart, If only we could restart
Would you try, or do you like barely getting by
Did you think, when it wasn’t just your life to sink
A normal life is all I wanted, in my dreams my memories haunted
Do you care, with the heart break you share
Trappt to your side I’ll always be, someone who has to take care of thee
But yet trappt or not, your all I got

It started off as butterflies
no reason. no answers to why
something meant to be very small
who would of guessed i would go and fall
a simple friend meant to be
now a wife is all i see
with eyes of passion flaring green
unlike anything i have ever seen
with a heart of gold i can understand
always there for a lending hand
no matter the problem no matter the time
you're right there to tell me it's going to be fine
with your heart beating loud against my ear
in your arms there is nothing to fear
with your smile your laugh and everything else
my feelings for you i have never truly felt
with every beat my heart speaks loud
i want to yell in the middle of the crowd
my heart was sore at first its true
there was another before i met you
she split my heart she tore it in two
but you have fixed it, its like its brand new
i have happiness in my mind happiness in my heart
who would have known this particular part
it started off as butterflies
no reason no answers to why

As close as we may stand, our Relationship, it’s been ******
The mother I want you to be, a mother I will never see
Emotionless and emptiness, is this what you wanted
All our memories, all our thoughts, our dreams have been haunted
Opinions and comments are more than just said, we get it breakfast, lunch, and dinner
Constantly fed
You tell us to be ourselves, speak up when things are not right
As long as it doesn’t upset you that is, or prepare for a fight
Unless you are happy no one else can ride high
Everyone in your path, ripped right from the sky
When I got older I thought it would be better, live my life my way
Right to the letter
As much as I hoped that’s not the case is it
My person, my being who I was, bitten
I hold back what I want so you will be pleased
Because everyone knows it’s all about what you need
Two children you birthed, you gave us life
Just to play our strings, and boy don’t you pull tight
You tell us you love us and that you truly care
But when things don’t go your way
To you we are just people, dog eat dog world
Seems only fair
You said you did all that you should, never you abused us
Never you would
But the memories they haunt us, they eat us up
But I think you know that, you’re just as messed up
From the moment you wake up you look for a fight
You’re more than just a bark, you have a mean bite
You’re nasty, you’re cruel like a devil inside
Who is your victim, how do you decide?
Your children they hide, yes we avoid as we need
Because when we are around your anger it feeds
You are my demon my monster under the bed
As a child it wasn’t shadows that scared me
But rather you instead
As I get older I have emotions I cannot tame
You emotionless without reason
I feel it’s you to blame
I’m not the only one who feels this way
Sadly it’s true
Tonya ran away all because of you
As much as I love you and as much as I care
I have so much anger that around you I’m scared
I can snap at any moment you know that it’s true
I’m sorry to say my first victim would be you

​​​​​​​Enemies of the past
Wondering how long it will last
The fear of you I do not have
For you to think that is rather sad
You do not pose a threat to me
Someday finally you will see
The violence I have overcome
Apparently has not gotten there for some
We seem to be at different levels
With different scores, different settles
With no thoughts of friendship
Let me let you in on a little tip
The level of my maturity
A level where you don't seem to be
Where only now matters, forgetting the past
Because everyone knows the future is coming fast
Where being myself means more
Where i'm happy right down to my core
An acceptance of what i cant change
Seeing what i can at full range
Where bills are more than a task
Letting me know I have my own back
Where life isn't a game and people are not pawns
Where life is living with all the rights and all the wrongs
A mind I can control, A mind I can call home
Because being mature is about understanding not just being grown

Drowning in the oceans of time
Like i'm in place while everyone is flying
Like i'm bleeding the sorrows of tomorrow
no one to help, no one to follow
The depths of time is everlasting
Harder than i thought, barely grasping
like a broken clock has been replaced
Bitter life is what i taste
The oceans surround me in a whirl of deception
no life jacket, no protection
Water sprays in the crystal eyes of my past, present, and future
feelings of my lungs puncture
Holding onto every breath like it's my last
Water fills my lungs, everything is so fast
Drowning in the oceans of time
trying to forget life's crimes

feelings are strong
like the switch has been turned on
demons are here, weapons are gone
drops come from the sky of pain
words are unspoken, the days are the same
walls are breaking, demons pushing threw
my guard is down, not sure what to do
waves of uncertainties find there way around
come to take my feet clear off the ground
as i float there in the midst of it all
in my ear, the wind starts to call
flowing my guilt from side to side
a rush of emotions, whimpering cries
my thoughts, my past, my mind in fact
these things have been scattered, my sense i lack

I’m sorry she never existed, saw reality but missed it
Lost her eyes, stuck in her lies
The dream that has been created stands strong
Can’t be faded
Her “ I love you’s” were a mistake, her smile was fake
She said she cared but she can’t, her memories in my mind they plant
A dream I wish I could never wake from, pick up every piece
Every crumb
But reality I need, it’s true
I need to grasp on… starting with yo

My heart starts to race, my eyes start to blur my mind feels like it might explode
Yet here you are
Swaying so delicately in the busy lights, my eyes rest upon your memorize dance
Not one time can I just glance
As soon as your eyes start to come around, I set my eyes to the ground
For a beauty like yours, I am unworthy of even just a glance into those crystal eyes you call home
As the days grow long, those nights don't last near enough
Her beauty beyond compare, in a mystical place
She belongs there
For a beauty so bright, with a smile so tight
She deserves to be anywhere
Yet here she is placed, to remind us
Beauty as if an angel is still very much alive
That true beauty isn't but a dream
But when the music fades and the light turns on reality snaps, waking me back
As I watch you grab your things an share a laugh
I think to myself, the whole night my courage I lack
A smile that can make any rejection an easy one
But the night is over. Done
'Til next weekend I wait
never to open my mouth, bitter taste

The withering flower on the unspoken tree
The queen at her castle begging on her knees.
The sky is loud and the waters calm
The birds no longer sing happy songs
The animals in the forest no longer explore
There is something slithering that much is for sure
Behind all the shadows in the dead of night
no where to be seen, out of mind out of sight.
children laughing with no thought to fear
but the monster is lurking
He starts to get near
The laughter grows louder it echoes the trees
The branches start shaking, down come the leaves
As the children skip playfully down the long grass road
Not knowing their laughter is selling their soul
The monster gets closer eyes glowing in suspense
The moment is closer his body gets tense.
He looks to his right, he looks to his left
The thoughts put to action Get ready get set
The laughter no longer, the playing has stopped
The voices have seized, the noise now has dropped
The souls have been lifted then drove into the ground
No more laughter, no more playing around.
No more skipping for fun, no more running for joy
no more warm beds to sleep in, or a favorite toy
once a stupid adventure they not knew to make
Not knowing there lives what was at stake

I miss you
Not just because of our fight
or that we haven't talked since that night
I miss you
You smiling, you laugh
Worlds collapse, sometimes crash
My first memory of you, you stole my bike
From then on, brother for life
Through the ups and downs, we both made mistakes
But for me, you cant be replaced

I cant have our last fight be our last words
I cant have our last fight be our last

I wont except a world without you in it
My brother, my ride or die. please sit
I have things I need to apologize for
I broke promises I never thought I would before
I promised to always be there for you, I was not
At the end my rage is all you got
No explanation, no talking, I just threw you out the door

I promised I would always show you support, that night I fell further than short
I should have never just thrown you away like I did that night
What I did was not right
The way I treated you, as just barely a person
You messed up, but in that instant, I acted like stone

I cant say all that I feel
I do not blame you if you do not care

I would like one day to talk again
But it is up to you if and when

You probably can’t see
That you’re breaking me
You probably can’t hear the sound
Of my bones cracking against the ground

And you probably don’t know
What you want
Or who

Because right now, she’s everything to you

And I’ll wash her smell off your clothes for you
I’ll kiss the lipstick off your lips for you
I’ll drown myself in her sweet resin, every night
For you

Because right now, you’re everything to me

And I may not be what you need,
But,
Neither is she.

A purple place, walls bleeding blue
Pink grass, talking animals
Honey filled with glue
Abandoned gardens, glowing eyed flowers
A hamster with magical powers
Laughing bushes, crying trees
Bees serenade songs of Christianity
The sky grows a face, and frowns at the sea
The sea takes form of a screaming banshee
A tornado twirling around
Makes a hole in the ocean and ***** out the ground
The cat dives into the water
Fish follow directly behind
And the world completely submerges
Seeping in and out of my subconscious mind

bro for life
ride or die
those words repeat in my mind
the truth in those words i need to find
Once upon a time maybe
before you went crazy
trying to be something you are not
trying to be someone else's robot
the fall guy
you're better than that
why?
this last fight
that's my last time
you've lost yourself in the tornado or popularity
where is your clarity
where is your back
i leaned but fell, you slacked
i looked for my bro
i needed a tow
i looked for my neighbor
you i could not find
to busy on your grind
to busy to find time
when did you lose yourself?
do you even know you need help?
18 years i have stood strong
walking by your side, road is long
18 years just to get a slapped in the face
i cant keep up, i don't know your pace
18 years, you were my bro
together we were suppose to grow
in the dust you have kept me
when things got tough... you did what you do
flee
i hope your boys were worth all that has to come
because as much as i love you i am done
this is something that cant be fixed
i needed you, i needed a lift
i needed a hand
because on the ground i could not stand
you showed me what you are all about
lets me know i need to go down a different route
i wish you the best, i hope you find what you are looking for
because this friendship is what got torn

They say you have to love yourself before you can love someone else
Well i got a story to tell
Love for myself i don't think i have ever had
But being in love, i got that bad
Thinking of myself and what i need is not my first thought
When it comes to what gets done, for everyone else i have brought
At the end my hands are empty but everyone else is fine
Blistered and bruised, but yet still no cry
They say you need to love yourself to be free
But that coincides with the first, see when i am with her i am free
Free of having to love myself because she loves me enough
Free of having to go on without her, because god knows that would be rough
Free of all the world has to offer
Nothing can compare, don't even bother
They say you need to love yourself to keep on keepin' on
But as long as i see her there is no fog
As long as she is by my side i don't need me
As long as she is by my side, life is let be
This story may not make sense to most but its whats on my mind
Trying to get my feelings out, writing is how i search and find

Ever feel like you're falling apart
Everything is broken and you don't know where to start
Voices in all directions
Full of predictions
No time to stop and rest
No time to take a breath
Picking up the pieces at the same time of breaking
Dropping each one because your hand cant stop shaking
Tears fill, its gone, the power of will
Crawling into your dark space
Because the reality you do not want to face
Where failure peaks
You have a voice, yet cannot speak
You are exhausted, yet cannot sleep
All thoughts trying to break free at once
Been building up for months
Your legs give out, hands fall to the ground
Does anyone care, did you even make a sound
Ever feel like you're falling apart
Everything is cracked and shattered
As if it never mattered

Two years, two months, six days
I can say "i love you" A thousand different ways
With your tweaks and twists
About you i could make more than a list
I know you inside and out, what you're all about
I know your thoughts, all the battles you have fought
I know why you are the way you are, the story to every scar
Your mind changes sporadically, in your mind thinking erratically
Feelings of no where to turn, attention needing to be earned
But when its all said and done, when the games are no longer fun
When your entertainment disappears, when there are no more tears
You move onto the next, no matter the ***
Your in it for you, you know that it's true
With all that i have said, all you have read
I want you to know, I will never let go
When i said your my only one, that was it
i was done
My soul mate for life, i will make you my wife
I know you inside and out, what you're all about
You know that it's true
When i say " i love you"

to old for this *
i feel grown, your stuck in a pit
everyone acts like your someone to be afraid of
all i see is an over sized cream puff
your a joke
you want to be happy but your smoked
bringing people down because you don't want to be alone
you wont catch me silly rabbit, that drama *, i'm overgrown
say what you want, get it out quick
when tomorrow comes, i will be flying, even if you cant quit
cant bring me down
i got my baby, got my crown
i don't need people to like me for me to be okay
i don't need people to listen to what i have to say
i know who i am, who i will be
i got my family

silly rabbit, rabbit hole bound
mad hatter, i am Alice on the ground
when will you learn, words have meaning
even while you say it i can see you bleeding

silly rabbit rabbit hole bound
mad hatter, i am Alice on the ground
But your body, it won't make a sound.
'Cause your body's far beneath the ground

the * you talk goes right over my head
while you stay up being computer tough stuff
i sleep like stone, with my baby in my bed
your alone, i know your pain
but the things you say, they don't deserve any positive gain
eventually you will see
being alone isn't all its cracked up to be
maybe one day you can say you wont be the same
but for today, that some fake * you claim
you say your 100, like nothing can touch you
but we can see lies, we know what you been up too
you try to keep up with all that you say
but you slip more than children at play
your contradictions, they are confliction
the stories you tell
as you talk all the believers start to melt
the truth comes out yet you still play the game
that's why everyone goes with it, they see your shame

silly rabbit, rabbit hole bound
mad hatter, Alice on the ground
when will you learn, words have meaning
even while you say it i can see you bleeding

silly rabbit rabbit hole bound
mad hatter, i am  Alice on the ground
But your body, it won't make a sound.
'Cause your body's far beneath the ground

Drowning in the oceans of time
Like i'm in place while everyone is flying
Like i'm bleeding the sorrows of tomorrow
No one to help, no one to follow
The depths of time is everlasting
Harder than i thought, barely grasping
Like a broken clock has been replaced
Bitter life is what i taste
The oceans surround me in a whirl of deception
No life jacket, no protection
Water sprays in the crystal eyes of my past,
Holding onto every breath like it's my last
Water fills my lungs, everything starts to blur
****** into the current
Feeling every bump, every curve
From the bottom to the top
Everything's racing
All i want is for it to stop

As she lays her head on the wall of strength
With her belly swollen with love
she thinks to herself "The place I am meant to be"
Cradling the baby of a dying love
Thoughts dissipate, the love has just started
With the feeling of this incredible human growing inside
Dads up high but not gone, smile don't cry
For he gave you a treasure nothing else compares
Even if your heart hurts beyond what you can bare
This child will come into a world with mountains of love
With wonderful stories of her father above
His memory to deep to take
His love will never break
your guardian Angel, your love from before
Hes watching you, even if you don't believe anymore

As the snow flakes settle down my cheek
i get a glimpse, barely a peak
i see your face those eyes on mine
i think of our connection so smoothly entwined
i feel your presence it brings me down, my baby
my gravity to touch ground
like a broken record to be forever played
memories to deep to fade
i remember you now, i remember you then
my angel from above, my heavenly sent
my tears remind me of the memories i lost
unfortunately my heart was the cost
we fought, we battled, the hostility filled
but for the both of us, i could feel the thrill
all that was said, all that was done
it was an act of pleasure, for us it was fun
a life without you is bitter and sour
like the limp of the earth,ineed a sad flower
your my water to grow, your my food to carry on
i'm withering, away while your still gone

I love you forever and A day
  But I cant be with you
There's no way
  You broke me in two
With all your games
  And all the pain
You feel no shame
  While driving me insane
To you it's fun
  Like the power of frying ants in the sun
Cruel and unusual
  Painful and brutal
To you it's a joke
Not a care in the world what you provoke
  To you it's a game
You hold no shame
  Its the shots you call
With no fear to fall

Where your imagination beams
Where you get what you want, and you want what you get.
Where everything is fun
Get ready, get set
Where dreams seem real, with all that you feel
Where promises are kept, cancellations wont except
Where you are who you are, no words to leave scars
Where everyone's there, and everyone cares
A place to call home, your mind is your beautiful own