I've been homely.
I've been homesick.
Never quite homebound,
Many times homeless.

I've been behind the tie,
As well as the noose.
I've been contracted,
Up for bid and cut loose.

I've been one of the sheep.
I've been one of the soldiers.
I've been seen marching the
streets, for a new world order!

I've been sober drunk.
I've been drunk sober.
On trial to be hung,
Never quite hung over.

I've been stable.
I've been crazy.
Schizophrenic, bipolar.
Depressed, with a grandeur disorder.

I've been needy , too.
Threw it all on the table.
Once I was fulfilled,
I.e. "Emotionally unavailable".

I've been shot at, and
cut; even worse!
I've been interrupted and insulted with
                   words...

My deliverance is raw.
Hands calloused with greed.
I've grown exhausted.
For now, I'm just me.

Over my shoulder when all the
lights faded
The looming end has all but
been written
From over my shoulder I pray I've
gone mad, Tho'
fate would submit me
To a glimpse of her shadow.

Not a day passes
She won't show me
her face
A scar in the minds eye
A memory misplaced.
I plead to her
"Let go!"
I yearn to be freed
I spot once more
her shadow
Where my own once casts from
my feet.

I don't believe in
true love
Tho' I'm open to opinion
I wagered once with
your god
Beseeching him to listen
Let there be no
other lover
To woo me from the path
If destiny be fabricated
Let love sway
not last.

She couldn't help but think
Had we crossed five years later
We could of saved ourselves
from falling victim to
our fears.
And each time one door closes
And as I learn to
be alone
Her voice echoes not in
my head
but from out the shadows
"It is what it is,
All people lie.
Know they look up to you,
And hold your head high."

I'm terrified my
courage stripped
She does not appear for resolution
I will not sleep, for fear to wake
To pay for my decisions.
She stole my trust, and I
lashed out
Taking from her youth and innocence
For this she'll take away my normal
And watch me bathe in darkness.

She can't know
About you
She can't know you're real
I beg you not to fall for me
Please don't disappear.

I thought I could save you
From playing the victim
Your smile never waned
I stood firmly convinced.

I had forgotten
You failed to mention
One last embrace;
For his sins I was sentenced.

A boy not a man.
A child not a token
A dreamer unspent.
A friend not chosen.

You played your part well,
And practice makes perfect.
Some see tragic ending,
We count a near miss.

No signs in the store fronts,
No daydream decisions
I'll go down a number and
You'll go down a lesson.

I've lived here before,
Far too close to lonely
Counting seconds to hours
Enslaving myself to money

My quick to draw goodbyes
Attested to my growth
Until another path is lit
The darkness calls me home.

Don't bother
Don't call me
You've conceived
Your memories
You're drawn out
You're wasted
You've laid down
Your roots here
No forward
No true test
No meaning
No witness
Sell living
To pay rent.
Just stagnate
Remain spent.

You're obviously upset
Your story will not fit
While I'm down you will kick
And hit air, you're all spent.

Can you ever really make up sleep that you've lost,
Can your mind settle when your health is the cost?

When she tells you she cares and a moment you pause,
but her actions are damning; they paint a lost cause.

A wiseman once said for the highest of highs
Are the lowest of lows when the fireworks die.

Must we be young and stupid, if to ever be wise,
Or know the truth in her words, if we've never heard lies?

Will men always pay for the damages brought,
by boys making choices without second thoughts?

Will she always abandon in search of adventure,
Morales, and manners; replace values with anger?

Am I not a man if I act out of fear,
but to feel naive when I look in the mirror?

There isn't a path the truth will not alter,
Not a shadow is found in the final hours.

As the fireworks end, the colors will taper,
Answers lie in the ashes and die with the cinders.

I see the rusted windmill turning.
Nobody's happy, everyone's counting.

I grow tired.

I set into the creek my bare feet.
It's too cold, it's too wet; this isn't for me.

The broken boards of the porch where no one's standing,
The views forgotten from the withered bridge left standing.

I grow tired.

And the leaves of a tree where friends were made,
The longer I stare the colors will fade.

The stars are too far to  be conceived in the mind,
The plans made beneath them, never quite right.

Fore bearers debate over who is to blame,
The women forge no path and show no shame.

I grow tired.

Unkempt barbed wire represents a divide,
No reason to cross with plans brushed aside.

Outside there's knocking: to stifle and hide,
Or pull the curtains asunder and let in the light.

I harden my mind, trade myself for a cure,
An empty wish to trade my losses for hers.

The wind moves against me, I fall from my feet,
I've read to the west there's more to see.

I grow tired...

I found your perfume today.
An afterthought tucked away behind aftershave.

I sprayed it out of curiosity
Can you believe  I had almost forgotten?

The smell hit me like a runaway knife.
You are in front of me, arms wrapped tight

You wore that yellow shirt,
you always looked amazing in yellow
You always looked amazing.
And you kissed me.

I fell back; caught myself on the tub,
Sat there and caught a deep breath
The familiar smell had all but left.

I could not stand,
As strong as I am.
As strong as I'd become,
Run straight through by a glance.

I aimed to think of all I had done.
Of the women I've met: just one.
What I couldn't do with you,
There was none.

Nothing remains as I pack.
Your perfume hits the trash.
One man too wrapped up to come undone.

I've put myself upon the sand                            
Comparing myself, a shipwrecked man                
A speck of dirt rests on my hand                        
Everything we were, and all I am.                      

Like a night I could not number,                        
Like my plans lay sails ripped asunder                  
When sunset should pull me under.                      
Adrift, a bottle ends my slumber..                      

Loose driftwood to be thrown aside                
Adrift, bottled hope leaves me intertwined.                  
Masking a print with blue green eyes
Left of another, though much like mine.

There lies a plea written by hand
'Lost then found soul, her shipwrecked man.
Flames die slow for a second chance.
Everything we were, and all I am.'

Years have passed since my heart fluttered
Waiting for a love found from stranger.
Laying with snakes to feel her comfort
Adrift, thoughts delay my slumber

The heart wanes down it's sudden flight
Dreaming of what may come at dawn's first light
Of words or thoughts for her to write,
Meant for no other .... This one's mine.

Resting lost among miles of sand.
Everything you'd want, is all I am.