It's one in the morning
And I am still thinking about yesterday
The way your hand held my waist
gripped onto me like no tomorrow
And now I'm away from you
Three hours is far too long
When can I spend eternity with you
It's four in the morning
And I am still awake
I was staring at my roof
Think of our future together
The one you promised me
And my phone has just gone off
It rang twice before I realised it might have been you
I picked it up and answered
without looking at the caller ID
'Hello?' I ask, longing to hear your voice
There was no response
For a moment, I paused to think
He always tried to say hello first
'Hello?' I ask again, thinking it's just a trick
a sob
a broken cry
It was his mom
'he's gone'
no
no
He can't be
I just saw him
We just kissed
I can still feel his lips on mine
His hand on my waist
hand holding mine
I must have been telling her no
that she was lying
because she made the point very clear
through her broken sobs
'he's gone.'
I don't remember after
I think I screamed
yelled possibly
But I know my sister came into the room
scared out of her mind
I think she tried to hold me
I don't know because I'm outside now
It's raining
I can feel the rain
The trees are so pretty
I can't feel my fingers
I think I'm still screaming
I don't care anymore
Everything is dark but bright at the same time
like static
He never liked the sound of static
I guess I don't either
I don't know what day it is
My mom has told me it's been a week
His funeral is today
I need to show
I need to get ready
Get ready to see what is left of him here
She picked out a dress for me
The one he gave to me
I told her I needed to shower
I rid myself of this ick
I lock the bathroom door
Don't bother turning on the fan
I open the cupboard under the sink
My fingers graze the empty board
Then land on the smooth metal, hidden from everyone
I have not done anything since
since
Since he kissed me, scars
every onI
I turn on the shower
a bit too hot for comfort
But it's okay
The sting is a good one
i promise
I start drawing on myself
over the old scars, the ones barely visible now
And the ones that you can't not see.
Maybe they'll look away now
What a horrid beast
One that he loved
I erase the feeling of his hand on my waist
It's all I could feel
well i guess
not anymore
The way he touched every part of me
It's all I could feel
she a push harder
The sting is what I deserve to feel
I'm the one who should have told him to drive safely
Maybe then he would have put on the seat belt
When he held me still
As his fingers grazed my skin
everywhere and exist
I can't stand the feeling anymore
I try to scream
But nothing happens
Everything is silent
I can't speak
I have to get ready for his funeral
shampoo
I need to do that
My hands sting when I put them on
run it through my hair and down my body
soaking into the open skin
Staining the shower floor red
Imagine staining it red
I'm dizzy now
I guess I should have thought of that before
He said he'd love me no matter what
till death do us part
He feared not once
because he said that when I died, he would join me.
But he's gone
So maybe I can see him
I step out of the shower and out of the bathroom
walk past my mother as she bangs on the closed door
calling out my name
There's no use, my dear.
Don't you already know
Call him, and he will have better answers than I
I don't know where I am other than by his side
I turn around one last time and see her in the bathroom now
The hinges are broken on the door
She's cradling something
a piece of her life she held so dear
****** and unsavable
But at least we all know
I stained the shower floor red
because his favourite colour was red
because I wanted to see him
because I am walking with him to our hideout in the forest
because I am with him
And he is with me
Life is not worth living
without my soul by my side
And he was my soul
As I was his
He called to me
and I
listened