Grandmother,
I ceased to exist when you died.

My mom loved you.
You were her mother so of course she loved you.

I have always wondered what you were like,
I’ve heard stories,
seen pictures,
but they’re not the same as the real thing.

But that’s ok,
because when I hear about you,
I feel as if I know you,
I feel a type of warmth in my heart knowing that you were once real.
I love the stories and I hold onto them.
I’ll hold onto them with my last breath till the day I meet you.

Grandmother,
I might not have met you,
but you’re a part of me,
and that part I’m going to hold close to my heart.
Till the end of time,
You’ll be with me.
Always.

Freaks,
It’s what we are.
We are the Elephant Man,
The Lobster Boy,
and The bearded lady.

It’s who we were destined to be.
The only people strange enough to do it,
the outcasts of the world.

We perform our whole lives,
living a lie,
wearing a mask.
But at night,
when we are alone,
we transform into the strangest oddities,
our true selves.

We’re treated like freaks,
but that’s all we are.
The circus loons,
living a lie,
wishing,
just wishing
we could be ourselves,
the real freaks we we’re born to be.

If only the spotlight would move so we could come out of the dark,
and take our place as the people we really are,
not the freaks,
or the circus loons,
just us.

Walking in,
A large room, empty.
My mom, my sister, and my aunts.
They scatter around the room to set stuff up as my mom cries.
I walk over to the wooden box holding my father,
I stare into his closed eyes that once shined a beautiful blue.
His once over heated body,
Cold as ice.
I place my hand upon his,
I cry and say,
"It'll be ok daddy, I love you and miss you. But we'll be ok. Eventually."
I can still see his eyes lighting up with pride,
See him smiling with pure joy,
Feel his warm bear hugs that were like no other.
But with his journey of growth wrapped around my neck that I'll forever wear with pride and love,
He will always be by my side.
Blue eyes shining,
A wide goofy grin upon his face,
Always giving me those overpowering and comforting bear hugs.
His big heart took up all the space that he was,
The memory of him will always play in our heads as if it's the movie of his short, yet full life.
He was the best man,
The best father,
And by far the best person I will ever know.
And I had the greatest pleasure of having him in my life.
Thank you for showing me what I deserve,
Thank you for showing me I can take the world if I want it,
Thank you for being there,
And thank you for showing me how much I'm worth.
I will love you forever and always.
And one day,
In the future we'll all be together again.
We'll be the perfectly imperfect family that we've always been.
I couldn't ask for a better guardian angel to watch over me.
I love you daddy,
I promise one day,
One day,
Our family will live in the stars,
Dance with the other Angels,
And laugh like we've never laughed before.
I promise,
One day.

When worlds come crashing,
And seas start drying,
I'll know.
I'll know that our once frivolous love,
That was so fun and carefree,
Is over.
The fun times and selfish acts can no longer be done.
Why?
Well the world is crashing and the seas are drying with us,
My dear,
in its wake,
And with that our love.
But that simply doesn't mean it has to end...
It means,
With the world and the sea,
We will go out with a bang.
A bang so profound,
That the only thing that's remembered is us and our selfish, careless devotion to each other.
Our love, to put it simply, will be the only thing worth remembering.
So,
My dear,
A toast,
To us and ourselves.
May we go out with all that our love's worth.

It's hard living a double life.
Two identities
One person.

Every morning I place my mask upon my face,
And,
I wait.

Maybe today will be a better day,
I just have to fake it till I make it,
Then everything will be ok.

But I know that’s all lies,
It’s a part I play.
A role.
An act.

But I don’t want to act anymore,
I wanna pull my mask off,
and say,
“I’M NOT OK!”

I wanna cry,
I wanna feel,
I don’t wanna feel,
I just want someone to listen.

I don’t want to wallow in this depressing abyss anymore,
I just wanna be free,
Be me.

But I can’t be me until I know who that is,
Because I’ve lost all knowledge of who I thought I was.
Maybe I’m nothing.

The Mask of Nothing.

It means nothing,
You whispered as,
Lips crash,
Hearts beat,
Breaths shorten.

Denial runs thick in your veins,
But so do they.
Love isn’t what you have it’s lust,
Your heart says,
But your head tells otherwise.
And don't we always listen to what we want to hear?
Not what we need.
And right now I need him.
I need his love,
His touch,
His voice.
But it's not mine to have.
And that's fine.

Besides what we had wasn't love,
It wasn't anything.
I liked the idea of having him.
But he's not what I need,
I realize too late as his hands trace my veins,
Him whispering in my ear,
I'm all you need,
I'm all you have,
I'm all you deserve.

So I take what I can get,
Even though deep down it's not love.
But denial is strong willed,
Just like me.
So I continue to embrace him,
When I know deep down it's not what I deserve,
But It's all that I'll ever get.
Because if listening to the voices in my head leads me down the path of safety why would I not take it?
He's safe.
As his lips explore,
His fingers feather down my side.
He feels safe and fun.
So instead of looking for something more,
Something that will hurt,
Something that will be the death of me,
I settle.
Cause what else can I do when all I've ever known is hurt.
I just want some safety for once.
Something stable,
Unlike me.
And he gives me that.
Until he doesn't.
Then off to the next safety cushion who encourages the denial of my own self worth.