When making the decision
To run away with no money
I developed a coke habit
In the New Shoreham Libraries only
Bathroom

A copy of this poem
Was left on the shelf
By an older man
Whom I introduced myself to
After seeing him smoke a wooden pipe
And listening to him mutter about the
**** of intimacy under his breath
For the better part of the boat ride
To a cabin
Somewhere in the Atlantic
Presiding over a dead reef way
Way
Past the big waves
That I dreamt of
With a backpack full
Of spray paint
And ***** unkempt fingernails
I etched my manifesto on its walls

Circling around the drain in your shower
Heavy enough that the water cannot
Pull me down into the corroded pipes
That contain the same isotope of lead
Your little cousin gulps down in his
Water Fountain at Frank Defino Elementary
But light enough
That I spin and spin
Watching Jason take his Argonauts
Across The Sea of Monsters all the while
Aware of the futility of his mission
And laughing at Homer
Around and around
Unable to control how and when
Never giving in but never trying either

Sinking back into the freckles I wore as a
13 year old watching Silverstein play
The Rec-Center I had started so many
Fights at
All those years I played youth Basketball
With no intentions of scoring points
Committing fouls until
Someone’s dad screamed

My most-liked smile is the one where
After I got my two front teeth snapped by
A knee to the mouth
I looked up
incisors in hand
Blood dotting my lips and chin how Lichtenstein
Would have imagined
Grinning a grin that would make the Cheshire Cat Jealous I am not lost in this fantasy
No baby
This World
Was built hand by cracked skin hand
For me
There aren’t maps in a lucid dream
Don’t you understand that
Like Rorschach told the Small Gangster
I’m not locked up in here with you
No
You’re locked up in here with me

If I still had Kathryn’s number I would
Apologize for leaving her bed
In the middle of the night and stealing
Her only suitcase to drag my things to a
Ferry
To take me to the next Island
Where I would isolate myself once again
Continuing the habit I started
In the seventh grade
Spending 3 weeks in an abandoned
Airport and a pricey sleeping bag
Avoiding the standardized tests needed
When the road has tested you for this long
And you come across Tupac’s rose
In the cracks of the Sidewalk
You have no choice but to pick it
And stomp hard
But for now
We’re getting along fine

Like laying down
On the one part of the floor
Where carpet
Overlapped a different
Carpet

Daydreaming
Arguing
Separation anxiety
It’s an eye roll away
And a left at Wyncrest Road

It was outside on cold nights
With gloves
Stolen from the lost and found
Beckoning the older kids
Drive up
Have your money ready

Like sitting down in
The shower
Or singing a sad tune
Off key
Like rolling
A broken ankle
And laughing

It’s like working a
Paper route
And never seeing the sun
Just so someone else
Can wake up to the truth
Bagging papers
People's faces are the most honest
Especially on a rainy day
Gotta double bag it then

The song in my head
Isn’t the same beat
As the blood pumping
Through my arm
Or the throbbing
Of my elbow
But *******
Can my feet dance

In order to get sharks
Close to us
We need to
We need to attract them
By using
What they want

I was in my
Bed
Craving a smoke
So I went downstairs
Looking around
Peering
Searching
Something to ease my mind
Please
I went
To the garage

Its horrific
How pollution
Like an empty package
Can make its way
Into our ocean
A box of something that needed to be
Wrapped up tight
Something
That someone cared about
And shipped to a friend
Or lover
The box
Wrapped in plastic
To keep it safe from eroding for the next
100 years or so
Went from Paterson
To a shipping center in Cranbury for
Amazon
To Deal
To the pipes that spill into the water
Underneath that bridge that girl was killed
At
In Belmar
To the ocean depths
Farther out
Past the ****** party boats
Overcrowded with drunkards
Who have no business fishing
Out past the private charters
With their fish finders
And dynamite
And out past the big waves
That rock the shipping containers
That held the package once
Past the girl

At the bottom of this
Particular piece of ocean
The box unraveled
Like the meaning of what was inside
And the plastic wrap came off
It floated up
Gravity is backwards underwater
And wrapped itself around a
Yellow Shark
Right between the fins
And the gills
The predator got used to it
And the plastic stayed
It's skin deformed
Morphing around our intrusion
The shark was alive
And it knew more about the world
Then you and I ever could

There was nothing to smoke in the garage
Not in the golf bags
I checked every pocket
Or my old safe I used to bring to
Summer Camp
Nothing in the washing machine the last
Tenant owned
Not under the towels
Or inside the summer Umbrellas
So I searched inside

There was nothing
In the nightstand
Or the drawers
Nothing in the desk
Or the jar
Nothing under the hats
Or in the shoebox
Nothing in my old books
But
A piggy bank

I emptied it out
And counted the change inside
There was $1.75
As I reached in
To get the noisy coins
That didn't fall
I pulled out an omen
It was a quarter
With the texture of a shark
And a color
Black as the ocean
At night

How many worms have
Made a home
Out of the
Bits of rubber tire
And tree bark in the playground
At the Sunday School
Where I first learned Hebrew

Can I fix this rip in my jeans that
Keeps getting a little bigger
Every time I slide my leg in
And my toe gets caught in the
Negative space

I started a collage
Of ripped out pages from
Fahrenheit 451
And a Highly Classified
Army/Navy Manuel
Specifying the different threat levels
And codes
And Troop Commands
During a Nuclear or Chemical Attack
On American Soil
I stole it when I was removing debris
From homes destroyed by a hurricane
On the Barrier Islands with my brother
A few strangers
And a lizard I called Little Eyes

Is the big picture starting to come together
I’ve been listening to a lot of
Swedish
Trash Punk recently
Maybe I’ll give myself a tattoo
That says
Anarchy Dies With Me
Right across my neck
And a Safety Pin earring

The consulate was acting strange
After I drove through the glass doors of the
Embassy in my McLaren
I said
I’d like to immigrate to
A Clockwork Orange
Drink Milk and be
Ultra Violent

Next time you come home
Make sure you bring zip-ties
A tire
Your old hair
An apology note
Three bags of flour
A harmonica
And some bribe money
For our favorite elected official
I have an idea

I am the
Psychonaut
Who smoked
Toad Venom
First
There isn’t
A simple answer
The rain
On my tongue
That the ancestor
Asked for

Do you know that sound
Someone makes
When they are
Trying to describe
Their mind being blown
Like the whistling of a bomb
Or an embrace by a loved one
Like a rare guide to creation
Or a video showing god
Like a massive cult
Or an anonymous host

Restless leg syndrome
Can creep up into your arms
Your fingernails will grow long
Your patience short
Measure one against the other
Drugs to keep me up
And down
I’m making coffee at 3
In the morning again
Who knows if I’m awake

I’m hoping
This has been a dream
And I’m on the edge
Of a creek
In South America
Foaming at the mouth
From DMT

More likely than not
I’m in my room
Wishing I was in yours
Wishing we stay together
A long time

The time is 3:13 am
I saw someone with your hair today
She walked with grace
This stranger
But you make the world crumble
When you step
Leonardo was invited to design one
Person
During his time in heaven
There was no
Aura of fire around this girl
Do you remember when we went to the beach
72 Days from now
You stepped into the wake
And I watched the water boil
Or the day
You started giggling
When I asked
What is it
You lifted me up without touching me
And as you floated to meet me
Said
Wanna see where I grew up

I want you to kick me under the lunch table really hard
And give me a look that says we should have went to prom together
My favorite place
Is a Burlington Coat Factory
Near Ramapo College
From the parking lot
You can see all of Manhattan
If you have time this year
Can we go to the Newark Airport
I’ll rent a 93 Toyota Avalon
We can lay on the hood
Throw m&m’s up in the air
And try to catch them in our mouths
Every time a plane comes over us

When I imagine you
I imagine a day like today
Not a lot of snow
Enough to make you that mix of
Hot chocolate and coffee
My head in your lap
Looking up at your smile
Your favorite movie bounces off your face

The time is 5:54 am
Inside of the car
Air is visible
My fingers don’t feel my skin burning
They are so cold
Here is a scene
From the Punisher Movie
That came out in 2004

A man is hanging upside down from a chain
Another man is putting a steak on a plate
The Steak Man tells The Upside Down Man
Some flames
The blue ones you know
They are so hot
It will feel as if your freezing
You won’t be able to tell
Your flesh is boiling
The Upside Down Man squirms
When he hears a blowtorch
The ones that have a tank on the bottom
The Steak Man laughs
And sticks a popsicle hard into the
Upside Down Man's back as he burns the meat

There’s an interesting disconnect between
How I see my heart
My visualization
Full
Red and alive
Comely
And the thick
Unimaginable mass
Fighting to breathe
That it is
It feels at the moment
As if you were right here
My chest is hollowed out
In a euphoric way
That specific rhythm you hear in your throat when you are as close to the outside of your eyes as possible
I can hear every synapse crackling with electricity
There’s lightning behind these eyes

I thought I told you
I was blind but now I see
I sang that in Carnegie Hall
Fire
The truest form of human intelligence
Feeding those around with energy
Saving them
And showing anger
Divine in spirit and truth
You take your time
And I love that
People in ancient times thought lightning
To be celestial fire
I am still la torre
However I used to be the two men falling ou
Now I am the structure that holds firm
Ivory still
With Defenses Made By Tesla and
King David

The time is 6:33 am
I always wanted to meet someone
Who had those vines
That weave between fencing on the side of a house
The jungle path would lead to the window of their room
You woke me up 20 minutes ago
By jumping on top of me and pounding on my chest
You started yelling
It’s snowing
Over and over again until I hit you with a pillow
You stood up still on the bed
And started dancing

What is the best poetry you asked
Your drive
Your spirit
All of the fire
I can see behind your eyes
You tell me every day as I fight my battles
As I strike outside our window
War has a price
You bring me the truth
And a home with a fireplace

The time is 6:52 am
I think I’m going to go to sleep