I had a dream that my head was rotting. Friends I never spoke to sat idly by, detecting no abnormality. They smoked cigarettes a top their car, waiting for something to pull back the curtains of the night sky. My breathe went stale and the ground shook. I began to choke. overhead something watched us... and then I woke up. A sacrifice.

Sinking, sinking into – thought loops, swaying back and forth and falling out of tune.
Thinking back to, when I found you, drifting out to space and losing altitude.
Faintly fading – faster – farther each year, though I still remember when you used to be here.
Wondering what would happen if I screamed.
Out of key, you lost yourself, in your dreams.
off beat.
****.
Offbeat, lost rhythm, you’re not fine.
Repeat, retreat – into your dying mind.
Asleep – not waking up this time.
Distanced Human, disillusioned to no end.
Distanced Human, I will always call you “friend”

Are these emotions misplaced?
Has it been present all along?
I wish we could find out
Maybe we will
Just not together

Another night of nosebleeds
Yet another way to fiend
Is it it a lost cause to find
A way
Am I lost cause?
Please find a way
To make

Things get better
When I’m unaware

3 hours of nothing
Wide awake and aching

When I go will you even miss me?
Missed calls
Missed opportunities
To grow
Together
But it’s no longer my problem
Is it?
I’ve done everything I can
Maybe one day we’ll find each other again
But for now
It’s best
I find my way out
And pursue someone that has the time
To grow with me
The way I tried
With you

We used to be mates
now we’re cell mates
This house is just a place we sleep
This bed is just another place we read

A Prison
Pending release

You used to be so sentimental
I would sing your words with jealousy
But that’s on me

Songs mean a lot when songs survive

Bury me among the evergreens
Fog rolling over the hills
Smoldering from my body
As the cascades separate us
This heart still beats for you

Homesick for you

I wanna be the one you drunk text first when you’re out of beer at 3am at some ****** house party in the city
I wanna be your drunk text romance
Textualize me

Idle time away
Consume the day
And find a reason
To drift away

These things were never meant for me
And I ache from clawing at the ground
As time pulls me away from those moments
Anything to stay
Anything to numb
Anything to encourage ignorance

Anything to to avoid being alone

Only those who care for you can hear you when you’re silent

All I want to do
Is survive the cold today
and drink with you

Every now and then I miss it
Even though I know it’s better that it ended

Days like these are hard
Am I selfish for that?
Or just nostalgic for something that wasn’t at all how I remembered it being

It’s not that I want to
It’s not that I crave an ending
More so that if it were to happen
Sooner than later
I’d be happy
Knowing what I know
And experiencing all I have
Finally feels like enough
Sure there’s more
And I’ll continue for now
But you can take me at any moment
You like

Sometimes I think I still see you on street corners
Minding your own business
Going somewhere
To someone
With something to do
a smile on your face
And it makes me happy
To know you’re happy
And it makes me wonder
How a feeling could linger so long
When it probably isn’t
What I thought it was
Sometimes I think I see you on street corners
But it’s just a stranger passing by
Or maybe you’re just a stranger now

An orange
Wrapped in paper towels
Rotting at the bus stop
Turns the air into sour wine

Rain strikes the pavement
Rinsing blood and alcohol
And spit and ash
From the concrete

Cradled beneath a steel bench
The suburbs resemble orchards
Family Trees
Bearing no fruit

Your skin was blemished only by
Thousands of tiny cuts from blades of grass

As my skull cracks
Thoughts run like yolk from my lips
I watch street lights flicker like frames on a screen
I rest pills beneath my tongue till they turn into chalk
Merging with the grain of my teeth
I see strangers in passing
Each new body feels like a steady beat of nonsense
Losing all reason
All meaning
There is no savior
Only silence

Today I realized that
I've been missing you for longer than we were together

A pantry of unopened cans
And dried goods
going bad
Peaches and oranges
Rotting
Growing mold
Fragrances of spoiled sustenance
Crawl across the distilled air
And penetrate my nostrils
I've wasted these things
Wasted time and money
In hopes my appetite would return
And that I could enjoy the sweet juices and broths that'd provide for a body now aching
Consuming itself
Rotting like moldy peaches and oranges
But time has passed
They're no longer healthy
And I suffer in their presence
In their absence
In my own negligence

No one could hate me
As much as I hate myself
I hope this is where it ends

I continue asking
"Why does this keep happening?"
As if I don't know
That I'm the problem

I can't help but grin
At how tragic things have become
I wish I had the opportunity to find out if this could have survived
But before we know it
You'll be gone
And I'll still be here
The way Ive always been

I am nothing more than a shallow adaptation of who I wish to be
Masking bare basic frustrations and regrets in semi-articulate hiccups of "poetry"
But when it really matters I am speechless
Drained of any authentic essence
Ravaged by obstacles I create within myself
Professional self saboteur
A mass of inner conflict
With a fragile and forced jovial shell hiding it all
Hurting myself and those surrounding me in the process
I am undeserving of those that are in my life

You let a good one go

We were meant to destroy eachother

It's easier to pretend you don't exist

Have I forced this feeling back enough for me to forget it
Or has it finally died
Waves of relief and depression
Keep washing over me
Am I over it
Or am I finally desensitized
It's not keeping me up anymore
Do I celebrate
Or do I mourn
Only time will tell

I deserve this

This happiness
As well as this anguish

I know now that what I longed for
Isn't what I needed

I wish things were different
But I finally feel like I'm being treated
the way I was supposed to be

I'm not a bad person for wanting to be happy

And maybe she won't make me happy

But at least I feel wanted again

And that's the most valuable I've felt in nearly a year

Every time I time I think I'm vacant
Seeing you floods my chest again
I don't know how much more I can stomach
I think I need to run away from this
But the more I run the harder it becomes to breath
I can't imagine the damage I've done to you
We were doomed from the start
Weren't we?

I wish I could tell you
Everything I want to say
All the things you don't want to hear
Things that I'm probably too stupid to articulate

But you don't know what you want
Like I do
And that's you

Am I conceded
And selfish
For even writing this?

Something must be wrong
I must be delusional
To think that anyone would look forward to seeing, holding, or kissing me
As much as I have for anyone else
Love is a dead concept
My chest is hollow
And will remain that way
So I'll stop trying to fill it
In hopes that I feel numb again

Label me 'Fragile'
Please handle with care

Contents include:

1 heart of glass

I edit my own memory
My history a constant mosaic of events that may or may not have happened
Over dramatized or overlooked
Cut for time
Added for effect
Sometimes I forget who I am
Was that conversation real?
I replay moments thatve been tampered by my own biased feelings
Occasionally though
There are things I can recall perfectly
At 6 years old I layed in the back of my parents car and watched tree branches
float through the sky as if being pulled by on a sheet
From time to time my memory focuses
And I'll gesture as if fixing the lens
And then the clarity of your face on that perfect night cuts through
Your speaker reflected blue and green and reds on the walls while we listened to Elliot and spoke about life like cinema
I remember thinking that this could not be real
That someone added another reel to my reality to make it more interesting
And I remember you slipping into sleep and as my eyes grew heavy I couldn't help the small stream of tears that built up and collapsed in the corners of them
That moment was pure happiness for me
I hope it was for you too
We may never have a moment like that again
Who knows
But I'm so glad I could share something that beautiful with you
I wouldn't want it with anyone else

How can I sleep when every time I close my eyes they are not alone?
There's an impression on the back of my eyelids and when I shut them My eyes are joined by yours
I see every memory associated with them
The tiny wrinkles that surround them when you smiled
Every tear that beaded up and traveled down your cheek
The lazy dilation when you were too tired to get out of bed
The frustrations you were too afraid to express
Your pupils told a story
And sometimes if I try hard enough I can see my reflection in them
Or maybe that's the remnants of me in the back of your mind
I often wonder what I'm doing there in your thoughts
What is my place there?
Is it a constant reinactment of our past?
Over dramatized reruns of one of our episodes?
Maybe it's fantasy's for the future?
Expectations I could probably never live up to
A perfectly placed hand, kiss, or choice of words that I was too blind to catch
Another que I missed
Or all of the above?
Do you see your reflection in mine?
Can you see yourself dancing playfully
In the dimly lit halls of my imagination?
Adding color to the walls
While simultaneously tearing pieces of paint away
I promise I don't mind
Ill get to sleep eventually
With the same fear and excitement
That I have nearly every night
The fear and excitement
That I'll see you in my dreams again
I wonder if you feel the same
I wonder how long things will be this way
My eyes will open eventually
And when they do
They will be alone again

I am not your silver medal
I am not a runner up to him
Don't call me because you're lonely
I am facing this alone too
And nothing you say
Is going to make me feel like anything less
Than your conciliation prize
Because another girl won his heart
And I am still available
This is not a race
It is a fight
But no one wins
When punches are exchanged
Still, the conflict continues
Bobbing and weaving
Avoiding the obvious
Clinging to each other
Reaching for that title
My heart is a heavyweight
But no gleaming belt you promise
Can support that
Let's drop the gloves
I deserve to be put first
And so do you

If I was in a better place
Maybe things would have worked out

I am a sidewalk

Walked all over
Spit on
And often overlooked

But I still serve a purpose

There's a dog outside of the mortuary
Leashed to a crying woman
He is excited
He innocently craves the bones
That composed his former companion
He salivates
He does not know

My legs hurt
Why do my legs hurt?
They didn't get into a fight
Are they sad?
I hurt when I am sad
Do legs become sad?
They become restless
They fall asleep
They become tired
So why wouldn't they become sad?
They are sad
I have sad legs

I've run out of things to say
My thoughts are as empty as my actions
At this point I'm just getting by
Disguising scars
Stretching a smile that cracks chapped lips
Dancing to the sounds of my own inconsistent heartbeats rapid growing pace
Skipping every third or seventh or sixth step
Flailing arms in manic motions that reflect my moods
Who am I?
Who did I used to be?
It doesn't matter
I've run out of things to say
Maybe I'll retire this life tomorrow
Maybe I'll wait till it takes me

If Hell is an inferno
Then Heaven must be a miserable tundra
Either way
I'd rather continue living
Than deal with either of their egotistical rulers

I'm going to pretend this feeling doesn't exist until it doesn't
I'm going to do my best to forget your face no matter how hard it is
This is taking too long and I can't hold myself back anymore

Every year another person fades in and out of my life
And I can't help but think of them as tiny candles on a birthday cake
adding up over the years
Lights of hope blown out
And wishes that never came true

Bathing in sunlights golden glow
My chest is hollow
Breaths sinking in duranged seas of self pity
Black holes reflecting no emotion in my skull
That twinkle in my eyes been lost
I took it from myself
I break it every day
Conscience gone
What have I become
I'll never forget this day
The day I lost my humanity
The day I knew I wasn't supposed to be here
Burry me in my mistakes
In my misguided intentions
In tears shed for my name
Drown me with them
Pouring this sickness down my throat
Fill this empty vessel with it
In hopes that I don't reject it
In hopes that I can one day
Know the warmth I missed out on
Bathing in sun lights golden glow
Oblivious to my surroundings
To my peers
Restore me
Or let me lay here until night falls
And I can rest helpless
In soft decay

"You know you should really start taking antidepressants"-h

"I just don't trust myself with a bottle of pills"-I

"Well, I mean, they come in packets"-h

Pale blue light peeks through the shutters
An aero plane growls overhead
And again I find my self sleeping at the foot of a supervisors bed frame

Once again my thoughts stir and churn around my skull like some toxic butter that always ends up spilling into my stomach and making me wish I hadn't indulged in any of the activities that would've led me to this moment

This moment of being morally nauseous

Lying on the grass in the comfort of nights cool starlight sheet pulled over me
I can't feel a live soul for miles

I am electric
Thoughts lost in the static of leaves swaying above me
Gusts of wind offering a crisp shock to my skin
And sounds surrounding the atmosphere just for me
For me!

A moment like this was presented
A terrible joy found in sadness
Like biting the cuts on the inside of your mouth
Or squeezing a bruise to know where it hurts

Where does it hurt?
What physical force will cure this?

This
Which I cannot see
This
Which I cannot control
This
Which I am

How do you fix something
That was never truly complete?
Glueing together fragments of something that never existed