You deserve something so much grander than Earth
You deserve stars delivered at your doorstep
The moon planted in your yard
You deserve the universe
And one day,
I'm gonna be the one to give it to you
I promise you the universe
I promise you stars
I promise you the moon
Just stay with me a little longer

The ghost of your touch
Still burns on my skin
Though you are not here anymore,
The feeling of you
Will stay forever

When you mourn
You mourn with the moon
Because she too
Weeps at the tragedy

The moon was still visible, but hard to see behind cotton candy skies. The moon rested just above the lake a mile or so out. Twilight was always gorgeous out here.

My target was one of the only ones who left their window open with this windy weather. But it’d make it easier to sneak in.

God, when did I start calling him my target? I hate this job.

I climbed through the window quietly.

His room was dark, all black and gray except for the curtains, which were white. The curtains were going crazy in the breeze, while everything else sat still. What a dull room.  

I sighed and took out my gun; a simple pistol with a suppressor attached. I took a deep breath and silently crept towards his bed.

He looked so peaceful, sleeping. I took another deep breath and crossed the room to the bed. I looked at his sleeping body sadly. This was the last time I’d ever get to see him again. I hate this job.

I climbed on the bed, quickly putting my gun to his head and my hand to his throat before he could react. He woke up and looked at me, shocked. God, this hurts. I hate this job.

He calmed down a little. Is he not afraid to die? Or did he think I was too weak to shoot someone I was so close to? He looked at me and reached his hand out to my face. His voice was raspy, and his throat moved on the inside of my palm. It felt kinda gross, but I didn’t move my hand.

“You-“ He put his hand on my arm softly. It didn’t hurt. He wasn’t trying to hurt me. It just made it harder knowing I had to hurt him. I hate this job.

He moved his hand to my face and caressed my cheek. My ****** expression shifted to a much softer one, but not so much he could tell. It’s hard to tell when I’m happy because of my eyes, which always made me look mad. ​Evil.

Nightmare eyes, I always thought. He always said I was beautiful no matter what, but I hated them. I didn’t really mind when he called me such feminine things either, until all the guys in my school started calling me girly. Even then, I didn’t say anything to him. I let him call me whatever because it was him.

My mom used to say my eyes always made me look evil. Blonde hair and red eyes. The guys in my school always made fun of me for it. But he never did. 'Guys leave him alone,' he told them, 'he can’t control it, just like you can’t control how small your brain is.'

“Last words. Make em’ count.” I ordered. A tear fell slowly down his cheek and was absorbed by the pillow.  

He smiled weakly. I loosened my grip around his neck but didn’t let go. He rested his palm against my cheek.

“You’re beautiful.” He said.

“Please!! Just a little more time!!”

“One year. That was the deal.” He held his hand out.

I took one look back at the life I had made in this extra time I was granted. I turned back to Death, face full of tears. I sighed.

And turned back to him.

I took his hand.

I knocked on the door lightly. I obviously got no answer… I don’t know what I was expecting. I opened the door and squeezed in, shutting it just as quickly and quietly as I had opened it.

The room felt duller than usual… I couldn’t tell if it was because of the weather, the boring colors, or the aura of a patient waiting to die.

He was looking out the window. The weather was cold, and the skyline had been invisible, thanks to fog. It was rainy. People ran through the storm to their cars below us. The windows had been covered in rain, and all you could here was the steady beat of the heart monitor and the rain pouring outside. It smelled like hand sanitizer and lies. A shiver crawled down my spine just being in here for 5 seconds… I wonder what it has done to him for 5 months.

I hadn’t seen him for years. I wasn’t exactly ready for this confrontation, but it had to happen. I knew that. If I ever wanted to move on in my life, I had to see him again.

His brown hair was messy and fell over his eyes. The light from outside had a soft gray glow reflecting onto his pale face, making him look ghostlier than ever. His skinny, underweight arms were resting on his stomach, and his green eyes had a dark tint on the skin under them.

Seeing him like this just made it more obvious why he was here in the first place. He didn’t sleep, he didn’t eat, he didn’t drink… he made himself sick. His bony fingers tapped on his hand anxiously. He turned to face me. His face looked dreary, and he looked sad in general. I gulped and widened my eyes, not ready for his icy stare when he looked like this.

He sighed and I relaxed my face, calmed down as soon as he wasn’t staring at me.

“Why are you here?” he asked me.

My alarm clock mocks me with flashing lights
"Wake up! Wake up!" Is all it cries.
I try my best, to no avail
The best I've done is stay out of jail.

Breathe, you can do this
But being trapped under these blankets... it's bliss.
Get up, one step at a time
God, will the alarm stop that chime?!

I'm frustrated already, it's 10 in the morning.
My brain keeps shouting some false warning
Nothing will go wrong, so what's the issue?
I'm gonna cry, but I can't get up and grab a tissue.

My alarm clock yells
Those annoying bells
A simple task
JUST GET OUT OF BED




I'm going back to sleep.

Put your blade to the ice
Now soar

She wants me to be loved
She wants me to move on
She wants me to get by
Without someone to lean on

I'm not much one for games
I'm not much one for laughs
I'm not much one for smiles
But for her, I'd love all that

Am I real?

I don't... feel real.

Am I alive?

Or am I dead?

Everything is so...

L O U D-

"Hey!!"

Huh...?

"Dude! Are you okay?"

Oh, it's him...

"Hey, it's okay, I'm here..."

'I'm here...'



Liar.

I don't understand you

But I'd like to

I just wish I had more time.

“Did they forget yours, too?”

He looked at me for a second before sitting next to me on the cold bench. “My birthday?” He shook his head. “Nah, I didn’t tell anyone.”

We sat like that for a moment, the only noise being from the cold October breeze. “Oh.”

We enjoyed the comfortable silence for a moment before he spoke up again. “Birthday's aren’t fun without you, anyways.”

I froze, not expecting him to say anything like that. I looked at him. “What?”

He looked me in the eye and spoke softly. “You mean a lot to me, so don’t go spending important days like these alone. I want to be by your side, just like you were by mine. Is that okay?”

Looking at him now, on the old bench my grandfather made, I was reminded of when we were younger. Even before all this ****, he was here.

His hands were a lot rougher now, his hair a bit grayer, but after all this time, he’s here.

“Yeah…” I said after a moment of silence. “Yeah, I’d quite like that, actually.”

It's so nice being out here
Listening to the world wake up
Well, birds are waking up the world...
But their voices are lovely, so it's not an ill way to wake up at all.

It's so nice being out here
Watching the world wake up
The sky gets brighter around me
And I hardly even notice

It's so nice being out here
Inhaling the scent of the world waking up
It smells like coffee and flowers
A scent I have grown to be quite fond of.

It's so nice being out here
Feeling the world wake up
A car speeds by
And the louder-than-loud bass from the fast-paced song on the radio rumbles underneath my toes.
How ironic, listening to a fast song in a fast car.

It's so nice being out here
It smells, feels, looks, and sounds relaxing...
And I could get used
To sitting on the porch at 5:52 in the morning.

It was 11:43 pm.
The street was quiet,
And the streetlights were the only thing allowing us to see each other.

His uniform looked damaged,
His eyes looked droopy,
And his hair looked gray.

The officer who came to my house in the middle of the night to check on me.
He got on his knees,
Got down to my level,
And placed a hand on my shoulder.

What's crazy is he encouraged me to do something illegal.
"Sir. All my life I have wanted to graffiti a building."
And he chuckled...
A warm and melodic sound in the quiet of the neighborhood...

"Then you can't die until you do it, huh?"

And I agreed.
Because he was called to check on me...
Because I was at a dark place in my life.
And he said quietly...

"There have been a lot of suicides in this county... and I have seen every one of them."

And I knew what he meant.
So I nodded.
And he stood up, told me and my mother goodnight, and went on his way.

And that officer will never know the impact he had on my life.

But I'll thank him anyways.

It's not a matter of when I will die,
It's not a matter of how I will die,
It's not even a matter of why I'll die.
It's a matter of...
"Will anyone care?"
"Will I have left a dent on the Earth?"
"Will I have mattered?"
"Will I have changed someone's life?"
And if I can't answer those questions...
Then maybe...

I don't wanna die yet.

I'm a good person
I'm kind to everyone
Even though I've been hurt
So many times

I'm a good person
I'm trying my best
Even if my best
Will never be good enough

I'm a good person
I help where I can
At the cost of my own feelings
I'll help someone else

I'm a good person
I'm losing good weight
Eating so little
To make my body appealing to your eyes

I'm a good person
I'm doing so much
Just waking up in the morning
I'm trying to help

Am I good person?
I realize I try to help
But will I ever make
Someone's life better?

A single red rose
Planted above recently laid out dirt
Dirt that had been hammered down
With an old shovel
Dirt that made an audience
With tear stained smiles
And soft apologies
They whispered a final goodbye
And the rose lost a petal.

Dear father,

I understand you believe what you were raised to believe.
You grew up in a time that a man who loved another man would never be acceptable.
You grew up in a time that what you were born with is what you would keep.
And I grew up in a time that said:
"Be yourself."
And that's who I'm trying to be.
Your insults are daggers to my already broken heart, and your glare an icy spear...
But one day, I can only home that you welcome me with open arms, the same arms you have comforted me with many times before, and say:
"Welcome home, son."

When you can't fly,
You learn to jump
As high as you can

And with mercy sewn into your smile
A simple smile--even yours--could not spare me
The unending guilt I felt for leaving

Like a dead fossil crystallized in amber
My image of you held perfection
And perhaps I left before things got too bad
Because I wanted to preserve that image of you

Make up your mind
You have to choose
Because if you keep doing this game
Of
"I changed my mind"
Both of us
Are gonna end up getting hurt

Choose
You're killing me

The strings on the guitar
Are so close to snapping
Though, I unfortunately
Have to tune it up
Every time I twist the ****
It inches closer
And closer
And eventually it will snap

I'm never touching it again
I'm too scared to break it
...well, I will touch it...
The temptation is too strong...

But every strum, I will wince

I'm not sure
If I want to sleep
Or die
But I'll find out
When I close
My eyes

Only when the sun rises can I fall asleep
And the sun looking in
Through cracked windows
Tells me to sleep, but it's day, so why sleep?
But at night, I can't rest
So I might as well squeeze some in
Sleep through the days
Cry through the nights
Sleep when the moon
Finally says goodbye
Talking with the moon
All through the night
And only when it sleeps
Can I do the same
Goodnight moon
Until next time

I've lost my appetite
I mean
Sure, my stomach sounds
As if it is screaming for me to get up
And get some food
But when I actually get that food
Then what?
I raise the fork to my lips
And try not to hurl
And ****
How good it feels
This emptiness
Satisfies me
The crying
Calms me
The diet
Flattens me

Besides
They say
"Beauty is Pain"

The number on the scale guides me
The number on the clock beside me
Hand in hand
I'm slowly killing myself
5:18
And I haven't slept in days
118 lbs.
And I'm still feeling fat
The number on the scale
Takes my hand
And gives me some friendly advice
"You should eat less," it tells me
And so I do
I barely eat at all
Actually

Because my only caretaker
Is the number on the scale

It's like you were an alcoholic
And I was just another empty bottle

Can't figure out the reason why my parents fight so much
Can't figure out why all the photo albums lie collecting dust
Can't figure out why mom's old room is meant to remain untouched
Can't figure out why dad yells when I do something like breaking a cup
Can't figure out why I'll never be enough
For the parents who left me unloved

It's not photography
It's just a heavily edited picture

I'm alone in transition
Everything's shifting
And the biggest shift of them all
Is who I have to hold
I'm not old enough
To understand what I want
So when I see videos
Of parents calling their transgender child
"Son"
"Handsome"
I cry
Not because I'm happy
Because I'm sad
That they get that
And I don't

I've seen mothers throw gender reveal parties for their son when they came out as transgender
I have seen a birthday gift being legally changing your name
I have seen support
But have never truly experienced it

The little things remind my grandparents
Of when my mom was little

Like how when we go on the speedboat
I sit at the very front
And watch the water pass by
"You look just like your mom"
They tell me

Or how whenever I pick up an instrument
And play a tune
They smile
"You're your mother's child"
They tell me

Or how
When I'm scared
I make sure no one else
Feels the same
I get it from my momma

All this strength
That's all her

You're stressed
And you've no trust left
And your face never shows
Emotion

But underneath all that
You let me in
And for that
I'm grateful

But when you opened that door
I saw the room
And it was beautiful
But poorly taken care of

And when you treated me well
Though you've been through hell
I couldn't do anything
But think

You deserve
So much better
Than the life
You've been given.

"Why are you here?"

"Because I love you."

"Will you leave me?"

"No, I'm not going anywhere."

I don't know why
You left me
Without saying goodbye
But maybe
It's my fault you ran
It always is
Bury my head in sand
It's never his
I'm just a bit embarrassed
Don't worry, dear
But, in all fairness
You're never here
You left me with no road home
No reason to try
You left me feeling lost and alone
All I could do was cry

I'm not saying it's all your fault,
My burn just needs some ice,
But to pour on wounds some salt,
A note would've been nice.

How do you do it
Bring the fork to your mouth
After seeing something
That makes you lose your appetite
How do you do it
Shower regularly and feel clean
Without feeling so disgusting
No matter how hard you scrub
How do you do it
Sleep
Wake up
Do it all over again
How do you do it
Keep your chin up
When so many things
Have weighed my head down

How do you get through this?
Because I still haven't figured it out
And I could use
A bit of
"Advice"

"See you tomorrow!"
And it was fun
And I smiled
Until I caught myself smiling
Smiling at my phone like an idiot

And then my smile fell

I'm so glad you're moving on
Just don't call me
When it goes downhill
In fact,
Don't call me at all.

Your name I screamed as I opened the door
Your name I cried when I found your body
Your name I  whimpered as I called the ambulance
Your name I whispered as they took your body away
Your name I breathed as I sat on your bed, alone.

And you said it
With no emotion
And you've said it before
To many
I was no different
But still
I felt honored
To be loved by you

When the hospital was my home
People cared
People gave me gifts
Apologized
Told me how much I mattered
When the hospital was my home
People were there
People said hi
Noticed me
Recognized their mistakes
Now that home is my house
The darkness
Blends nicely with the loneliness
A nice collage
Of depression
Now that home is just a house
Nobody cares

My family is great
While the other kids
Grew up learning recipes
Passed down from generation
To generation
I have learned
How to pronounce
The long names
Of the many medications
My mother
My father
Myself
Collect
While the other kids
Flaunt their mother's eyes
And father's last name
I took
My mother's happiness
My father's patience
And both of their
Illnesses
Gosh
I love learning
About my family

You tried to shake me awake. "Wake up! It's time to eat!"
And I swatted your hand away, and it might've been rude but...
"I don't want to."

I don't want to see me, either
It is revolting.

I packed your lunch box
I ran you a bath
Mom was asleep
So I helped you with your math
I wiped your tears
And hummed a tune
You snuggled up close
In a tight blanket cocoon
You closed your eyes
You drooled on my chest
And I smiled softly
Oh, baby sister, rest
Sleep well
Sweet dreams
You know,
All those things
Big brother loves you
You sweet baby girl
I'll love you forever
You're my whole world
Momma is asleep
Dad's left for work
So when you are in trouble
I have to be the ****
But baby girl I love you
I don't mean to be so harsh
And though my punishments angering,
I'll never make you starve
The way mom and dad
Always treated me
I just hope that you
Grow up peacefully
Baby sister you're growing
And I am so, so proud
And I'm sorry I'm all that's there
No parents are around
But baby girl I love you
And no payments due
I'm just looking out for you
Like I always do

"Everything's okay'"
"Nothing is fine."
"You'll be okay-"
"In how much time?"
"Listen to what I say-"
"As long as it's kind."
"I've had some time away-"
"And what did you find?"
"That it'll be okay-"
"But I've waited a long time."
"The pain goes away-"
"I think you are lying."
"Please, it's okay-"
"Nothing is fine."

Laying my head
On your shoulder
Your head resting gently
On mine
You kiss my forehead
Stop that
I am not yours to kiss
But it felt nice
When you moved your fingers
From the side of my cheek
And allowed them to wander on my neck
Dancing across the skin
And when you put your hand back on my thigh
I still felt the tingling feeling
On my neck
And God
I am falling in love with you again
But I will not give in
Because what you are doing is not fair
You don't love me
And I am not supposed to love you
It's not fair
Don't touch me again
But please
Please God
Please keep touching me

There's no hate quite like Christian love,
Kicking your child out of your house
Because she decides she wants to be
A man
There's no hate quite like Christian love,
The pastor preaches his beliefs
And everyone agrees that
A man should not lie with another man
There's no hate quite like Christian love,
You decide you would choose religion
Over your own son.
There is no hate quite like Christian "love,"
When religion comes first
When all we need
Is your support

I say
I don't deserve you
Find someone better
But in truth
What does it mean to deserve?