The number on the scale guides me
The number on the clock beside me
Hand in hand
I'm slowly killing myself
5:18
And I haven't slept in days
118 lbs.
And I'm still feeling fat
The number on the scale
Takes my hand
And gives me some friendly advice
"You should eat less," it tells me
And so I do
I barely eat at all
Actually

Because my only caretaker
Is the number on the scale

It's like you were an alcoholic
And I was just another empty bottle

Can't figure out the reason why my parents fight so much
Can't figure out why all the photo albums lie collecting dust
Can't figure out why mom's old room is meant to remain untouched
Can't figure out why dad yells when I do something like breaking a cup
Can't figure out why I'll never be enough
For the parents who left me unloved

It's not photography
It's just a heavily edited picture

I'm alone in transition
Everything's shifting
And the biggest shift of them all
Is who I have to hold
I'm not old enough
To understand what I want
So when I see videos
Of parents calling their transgender child
"Son"
"Handsome"
I cry
Not because I'm happy
Because I'm sad
That they get that
And I don't

I've seen mothers throw gender reveal parties for their son when they came out as transgender
I have seen a birthday gift being legally changing your name
I have seen support
But have never truly experienced it

The little things remind my grandparents
Of when my mom was little

Like how when we go on the speedboat
I sit at the very front
And watch the water pass by
"You look just like your mom"
They tell me

Or how whenever I pick up an instrument
And play a tune
They smile
"You're your mother's child"
They tell me

Or how
When I'm scared
I make sure no one else
Feels the same
I get it from my momma

All this strength
That's all her

You're stressed
And you've no trust left
And your face never shows
Emotion

But underneath all that
You let me in
And for that
I'm grateful

But when you opened that door
I saw the room
And it was beautiful
But poorly taken care of

And when you treated me well
Though you've been through hell
I couldn't do anything
But think

You deserve
So much better
Than the life
You've been given.