what is consent i asked myself? while after me saying no to ******* or nudes . he would ask me to come on video call just fully clothed . so that he could *** to my face. as much as i didnt want to do that. i thought atleast hes not asking me to be naked, this is the least i can do. so i would lay there watching him do whatever he did.
what is consent  i asked myself ?while he parked the car in the basement of a tennis court and asked me to shift in the backseat of his car. if i refuse he will think i dont love him i told myself.even though i didnt want to do this, i didnt want to do whatever he had planned to do at the backseat of his car. he opened his pants and asked me to give him a ******* when suddenly the guard came and i thanked my stars as we rushed out of the place.
what is consent i asked my self? when he parked his car near the sports complex where my mother worksout and opened my bra . i could see people watching us and it killed me inside. but the only way of it ending was him being satisfied. so i used my hands as fast as i could never looking at him. it had started to feel like something i was supposed to do.
what is consent ? i asked myself when i was beneath his body . why should it matter i thought myself again? i love him , he is the love of my life i repeated to myself. while his hands searched for mine and directed them to please him. another thought breezed through my brain that my hands had pleased him more than they were used to hold them in an embrace. while the movements of our bodies synced i felt my heart drop . but i felt that maybe this is how it feels. and plus its not like we are having ***. Its just making out and there is no need for consent should probably try and not cry while his breath follows the nape of my neck .
what is consent i asked myself? while i was at his house and we had broken up and i was apologizing while he held me by my  waist and said that i was very comfortable.  when he took of my pants and i asked what was happening. when he tried to enter my shivering legs aagain and again, while i clenched on the mattress real hard while i let him do whatever he did. even after i tried to show him that indeed my legs were shivering. that indeed he didnt love me. that indeed i should run away . that indeed consent is existenet and i do not consent this.But all i did was i lay there and let him do whatever he wanted. because he was the love of my life.
what is consent i asked my self one week after i had lost my virginity to man who never wanted to see my face or hear from me ever again. while i sat at the end of my bed bleeding . trying to call him up.
what is consent afterall? does it exist if the person asking for it is the one you love? how can you give consent to someone who is your better half.
its then that i realized without my consent, with my defences in ruins, while my brain was sleeping, my stupid heart went and fell headfirst into love.
and i let love give consnet.
what is consent ask myself everytime i remeber that i let myself ruin in the deep abyss of love.

while your hands traced the curves of my body and touched the breath on my lips
i knew that i would be doomed with another thing to write about
that you would create bruises wherever your skin ignited mine
like the nape of my neck, or the back of my hand.
or my eyelids. yeah a very funny place to be kissed at.
or the spaces in between my legs
they will rot and mourn the passing of another lover another abuser
i put your name right next to the first man that touched this body they call a temple
and i call a warzone
i was two years old then, and i was twenty two when you claimed what you thought
was rightfully yours to take
somenights i wonder that when your brain takes you back to that room
what do you remeber?
i remeber yellow sunny lights
my hearts catapulating, my eyes blurry
my legs open like a cave
my body getting prepared to please another
to take refuge of you only to never see you again
i hope you remeber the last time you touched my body and
called it comfortable was when
i couldnt feel anything but death on my tongue
now i lay here
four prescriptions , ten suicide attempts later
trying to remember
which list to put you in?
where you a lover? or where you a abuser?
or where we so complicated in the mix that
i made a burning house out of my body
and burnt you down too.
i still sit  at 3am waiting with that
blade in my hand waiting to make that last
final call